Landy Peek (00:38)
version of you that built this life is not the version meant to lead you into what comes next? So many women hit a point where what used to work no longer fits. You're still capable, you're still driven, you're still you, you're still holding it all together on the outside, but inside,
Inside something feels off, your motivation dropped, the old roles feel heavy, and the way that you have always done life stops feeling like the way forward.
back to the Landy Peak podcast. I'm Landy Peak, and today's conversation is for the woman standing in that in-between space.
I'm joined by Leanne Jamieson. She's a licensed psychotherapist, founder of the Institute for Female Trailblazers, and a host of the Crooked Straight Talk podcast. We're talking about identity thresholds, the hidden cycles women move through as they grow. This was a game changer, and why so many strong, high capacity women feel confused, anxious, and untethered.
in seasons of expansion. is such a powerful conversation about what happens when the identities that once made you successful begin to limit your next level. I am so excited for you to hear this conversation. I absolutely loved Leigh-Anne and had so many aha moments for myself.
So let's dive in.
speaker-0 (02:20)
Welcome Leanne Jamieson to the Lady Peak podcast. Leanne, I'm so excited you are here. Can you share a little bit about yourself?
speaker-1 (02:27)
Sure. I'm so excited to be here too. So thank you. I'm honored to be here with you and all your listeners. So a little bit about me. Gosh, where do I want to start? Anyways, 20 years as a licensed psychotherapist, I climbed the corporate ladder or I climbed the ladder from therapist to executive director and started creating programs for a lot of different facilities and things like that. Found my own passion in that, right? And realized, think I might want to do this on my own. So there's a lot more to that story.
but that's what the Institute for Female Trailblazers was born out of and wanting to help other women who, again, we're going to dive into some identity thresholds and shifts today, but helping other women go through that as I have gone through it myself and have helped so many other women go through it. β
just in my 20 years as a psychotherapist. Also, of course, a loving mom of three, maybe not of course, but yeah, have three littles, twin boys who are 12, and I have an 18 year old daughter who's fresh into college, married for 21 years now, β and yeah, come from a really big family. I always like to tell people I have like 46 cousins.
Podcast host at Crooked Talk Straight. So that is something that I do with one of my BFFs, Katie Myers. So it's been, it's been a fun ride. It's been a very interesting and fun ride.
speaker-0 (03:49)
It sounds
like it. So one of your big passions is talking about identity with women. Can you tell us a little bit more about what you're meaning with identity, what that looks like, so we can get a better idea if we're, if that's us and if we're tuning in.
speaker-1 (04:05)
Yeah, absolutely. And this actually came from, you know, of course, my work as a psychotherapist, but also my own β journey, right, through different phases of my life and trying to figure out what the heck is going on, right? Like, there's so many emotions, so many thoughts that are happening. So with identity, I really talk about identity thresholds. And what that
entails is like we have these different identities that help us develop throughout the years, right? Develop in our career, develop in our lives, develop this ego and the identity that we're holding that moves us through these different seasons of life, of our life. And then we get to this point
where what we've been doing is no longer aligning, like it's no longer working to get us to that next shift, the next level. We're always growing, we're always expanding.
β we're always developing right is developmental theory β and being able to understand like what is happening because I didn't have even with all my studies and stuff I still didn't have the exact words or like the framework to really understand what was happening and to be able to move through that so that's really where this identity threshold came from of just like where you've been and what got you that success is
no longer working, but there's like this, it's like the messy middle in between, right? Like this gap in between. from where we were to where we're becoming, or who we were to who we're becoming. yeah, that's where this all sort of started from. β
speaker-0 (05:50)
I
feel that so deeply as I have grown and changed. There is that little uncomfortable space where I no longer fit where I am and I don't quite have a clear picture of that next level. And that's a scary place to be because it's like, do I cling to what I have because I know it, but it doesn't feel good? Or do I just like ditch everything and
speaker-1 (06:07)
Yes.
speaker-0 (06:20)
Shift into the next level and hope it goes.
speaker-1 (06:22)
Right?
like, all right, are we here to burn it all down? like, where does it, but it doesn't have to be that. And that's what I, cause it, that's very, β what I have found is just like, I found myself in a lot of despair or anxiety. That's what I find with a lot of women. They're like, I'm not really sure what it is, but like, this is weird because it's like, I usually have it together and there's like different identities that we hold onto too. So not only have I identified different phases that we cycle through, because we, as females, we go
through cycles. That is our natural state, right? So, so being able to identify what is the cycle that we go through in these different phase, like in these, in this identity threshold. And then what are the identities that we're clinging on to that are actually keeping us stuck within those phases. So it's really fascinating. It's so fascinating and I'm continuing to do even more research around it to
to just anchor it into because there's so much science and psychology around what is happening within us.
speaker-0 (07:28)
Right, so look at that
phase, that cycle, because I haven't heard that before, that we are going through these, yes, we cycle, we know this, but there's the identity cycles that we're going through, and it makes so much sense, but can you talk about what that looks like and what are those phases?
speaker-1 (07:48)
Yes, I would love to. I'd love to. Well, and we talked about this a little bit, right, where it's like this like weird feeling, this weird feeling that it's just like, I'm not really, I'm not really sure, but I just know some things off, right? And that is the first phase that we really go through is this like phase of dissonance, right? Where typically what happens like motivation drops, like for the things that used to really inspire us, like I think about my career and like the, the timeline in my career where it was like,
And I laugh about this like with my husband because it was like we could see it together of where I was super motivated. You know, I was at one place for like six years for the first time and then it was like shorter and shorter and shorter and shorter. He's like, what is going on? β So that's where it feels like it's just like motivation drops. We don't have that same sort of like inspiration.
that used to keep us, right? And a lot of our goals now sort of feel hollow. So we start, that's the dissonance, right? So that's this like first phase that we go through and trying to figure it out. We just know there's something off. Then we go through this like, this one's a real emotional one. β It's the phase of deconstruction.
So we're actually like breaking down some of those old patterns and like identities and this is where the different identity evolutions come in that I've also created and being able to understand like how do we actually lovingly
let go of some of those things. Like you were saying, it's like, I stay in the space where I know and what I know has been working, but it still feels uncomfortable? Or do I jump out into the unknown, which also feels uncomfortable?
being able to deconstruct those identities so that we can actually elevate to the new identity. Then that leads us into that regulation where we start stabilizing. So we are releasing the old, we're bringing into the, like we're going into this higher capacity. That's what it is.
the phase of capacity. So we're increasing our capacity to hold a different level. And this is a lot of like nervous system regulation. This is stabilization. This is a recalibration to this new identity. β Then we go into integration where it all just feels normal again.
Right? And then we move into like the outward like expression and legacy. And that's sort of this loop. So it's like the dissonance, the deconstruction, the capacity, the integration, and then we get to the expression and the legacy.
speaker-0 (10:28)
I felt that, right? So I have felt all of those different phases. And I really love the highlighting, the deconstruction, because we don't talk about that, that there is this space in life where we do have to deconstruct what we have built, what we have loved, and there was passion there. And then it's just not there anymore. And so there's nothing wrong with us.
speaker-1 (10:29)
What do you think?
speaker-0 (10:57)
just a phase. It is part of that cycle and we know we have to let go, deconstruct to be able to build that capacity for new, integrate that life that becomes the new life. And we've all felt that. We felt that new upleveling where it's like, yeah, this is me. And you look back and it's like, I can see the breadcrumb trail that got me here. But in the thick of it, it was like, what can I do?
I have to fix this.
speaker-1 (11:28)
Right. Something's broken, right? That's how I felt. I'm like, what is wrong with me? Why can't I just be blah, blah, blah?
speaker-0 (11:36)
my God. Please me.
Like I'm not just maintained for the rest of my life. I'm definitely deconstruct up level deconstruct.
speaker-1 (11:45)
level. Absolutely and that's what I find with like a lot of the women that you know I I again I know I was high capacity high achieving like and there's nothing wrong with that it's just what I always say I've always said I'm like I hope I continue to grow until the day I take my last breath like that is so exciting to me but what I want to know is what the heck is going on so I don't feel crazy.
speaker-0 (12:07)
That's
the highlight because we don't talk about, and I'm not sure we've even seen the model where it's acceptable to have this. We build, we deconstruct, we build higher, we deconstruct. We look at from the outside and perhaps everyone's experiencing it and we're just not seeing it in the same way. Right. Look from the outside and it looks like people are just continually either gradually going up in the same platform.
speaker-1 (12:28)
right?
speaker-0 (12:36)
or they get somewhere and they're great and they continue going on, we don't focus on this real uncomfortable space that a lot of people are going through.
speaker-1 (12:47)
Yeah, a lot of people like to show the before and the after. shows the through. How do I get through this? Oh, what am I doing?
speaker-0 (12:56)
middle that is just like, my gosh. Yes. We now know that there is that cycle. And so if you're feeling it, it is normal. This is something a lot of us experience. So you can kind of identify where you might be in that cycle. And you talked about identities that kind of keep us keep us stuck. Can you talk about what identities you've identified?
speaker-1 (13:21)
Yeah, for sure. And I want to know which ones you resonate with because what I have found is that, you know, we can probably identify, and we have, and that's why I have it on like a Likert scale, but like we can identify, I was here during this time, here during that time, or like even like throughout the day, it's like, I was functioning out of this place. β So it's really, again, it's helpful when we can start recognizing the pattern that we have gotten into. β So, I mean, when you think about it, when you
think about what we have been taught and how we have been β created to believe like what does success, how do you how do you gain success, whatever that may be to you, right? And the different conditionings that go along with that. So I've identified five different identities, right? So the first one is the capable one. β
β that controls all the outcomes, that anticipates the problems, that like executes at a really high level. So what we're doing is the capable one though is that we're controlling.
a lot of things, right? We're controlling a whole lot of things right there. So β being able to understand that, like, control creates safety. And this is how we have been able to survive and thrive even, because it's a lot of strategic thinking, right? There's a lot of like problem solving anticipation. There's high competence there. A lot of these and this is the thing is that a lot of the identity, all the identities that I'm going to identify here, actually, we're giving
like oftentimes like pats on the back for for engaging with them right from from leading from the space so β so with the capable one the the expansion constraint actually comes in because we have a very difficult time delegating β any anything whether it be at the home life or like in our in our β businesses or in our leadership it's a hard delegation so right we prent ourselves on being capable being the one
β There's also the responsible one. with this, the responsibility comes in harmonizing, stabilizing others, right? Making sure, maintaining the harmony within family systems, within β your leadership, within your teams, whatever that is.
the strength and that's I love to bring the strength together, but also right like what what then happens? What is the constraint? So with the strength of the responsible one, it really is like we have high emotional intelligence, right? β Feeling into the room, feeling into like what is happening in the room, right? We're really in tune and very sensitive to other people's emotions. So β with that though, we often over function for others. We take on other people's
emotions we take on like, I don't want them to be bothered. I'll take it all on. I'll take it all on. Yes. Familiar. So, so those are the first two, then we go into the strong one. The strong one is very
very self-reliant and there's a lot of just like internal processing that we don't really share, right? We don't β share our woes with anybody or our pains with anybody. We just sort of keep it, keep it in. Like there's a lot of emotional resilience here, right? There's a lot of internal regulation and we do really well in like crisis leadership. Like I got this, I know crisis. I remember going into the treatment field and I was just like, I can do it.
treatment field work. Like it's crisis after crisis. Like I know this. β So β that's just part of what I grew up in, right? Just chaos. So
speaker-0 (17:19)
Exactly!
speaker-1 (17:27)
I'm being able to understand though, like when we're going to expand though, the constraint here is really this difficulty, of course, in receiving support, like receiving the help and some of these will like, you know, you'll see how they sort of like overlay each other, overlap each other. β
And then, so that's the strong one. Then we have the high performer where, I don't know if anybody else can relate to this. I know a lot of women that I work with, That's just like a lot of productivity and the productivity actually speaks directly to our worth, right? The more productive we are, the more worthy we are, the more valuable we are. And that is something that has just been developed. β And our strength is really in execution, right? We have a high achievements.
and we're very proud of that. that again, none of these are good or bad. They just are. And you know, they work for us until they stop working, I always say.
So there's the high performer and then finally we look at the relatable one. The relatable one is just like this sense of belonging and connection and like everybody's getting together and you know like β keeping the peace. It's very similar to like the responsible one and there's this belonging that that protects connection. So the strength here is really in like empathy.
and approachability, there's relational intelligence here. But then when we get to it, when we get to that expansion, β visibility, being really authentic and visible actually creates this almost like a danger, right?
So those are the five identities that I have tracked through and sort of just gathered information of like, what does this look like? How does it hold us back? Right. And how does it help us? Because β these identities are really not weaknesses. They're like very adaptive leadership strategies.
But then, like when we go to expand, that's where it's like, okay, it's time to evolve through this. It's not going to move into my next level of success with me.
speaker-0 (19:41)
Right. β my God. I love how you're really identifying that these are leadership strategies that have done us well. Because I think so many times we hear things about ourselves and it's instantly like, β that was a bad thing that we took on and now we need to change it, lose it so that we can grow. And you're saying this is a real leadership strategy that has done us well. And a lot of us have been praised for those qualities.
speaker-1 (20:10)
Absolutely.
speaker-0 (20:11)
Praise for being the capable one and taking care of everything. We have been praised for being the relational one and being so approachable and being able to bring everybody in and we're praised for being the strong one. Like every single one you go through and there are times in your life you've probably been praised and it's hard to shift and let go of something that has served you so well.
speaker-1 (20:35)
Absolutely. That's why it's terrifying. Right? It's like, this is what got me to this point. What could possibly be the next thing? How am I possibly, you know, you can't even fathom it at the time. Yes.
speaker-0 (20:47)
Absolutely. And if you're looking at, so I'm supposed to give up the capable one, give up that strong one persona to do what? Because a lot of us got there because we learned early, probably, that we were the ones we could rely on. And things weren't gonna go our way if we depended on someone else. We weren't always able to have somebody that's gonna have our back, so we had our back.
And now we're asking to shift.
speaker-1 (21:19)
exactly, super vulnerable, right? And that's why think it's so important for us to understand there's like a very healing aspect to this, right? There's, and the grieving that goes along with it too because we are moving through and it's not like abandoning like you were saying. It's not shaming like you were bad and we're not going to do that anymore. It's like thank you.
so much for everything that you've given me, right? It's like talking. It's a little internal family systems type stuff where we're like talking to our younger self of just, you. Thank you for like adapting and helping us to survive and at times thrive. And like, let's go on this new journey together. But there's definitely a grieving process, right? That a lot of people skip over too because, and this is something, you know, I,
It was my experience to... I wanted all these things. I wanted this shift. I wanted to... when I was leading corporate and going, you know, starting my own business and I didn't... I was like, why am I so sad? This is something that I wanted, something that I was looking forward to. And it's a natural process to grieve over different identities. So, and I think it's so important to give ourselves that space and to understand and to give each other that space.
speaker-0 (22:41)
And I'm glad you touched on the grief, because it is something that we just kind of brush aside or try to push away, but really honoring that we are letting go of part of who we were to become something different. And it gets hard and scary. And there's that unknown, but we really relied on this identity. This identity often brought us the success that we craved.
Exactly. just left us alone in that success.
speaker-1 (23:12)
Exactly.
speaker-0 (23:14)
Like,
what do we do? How do we kind of shift through that grief or honor that grief and then open up to receive something different because that kind of next level is more receiving versus believing and doing.
speaker-1 (23:31)
Right, exactly. And being able to have, you know, that sort of, there are different ways that we can move through and different ways to really honor each process that we're going through. And with this, I have found really three main aspects of methodology, you know, just through psychology. And then, of course, I studied somatic, of course, like, of course I studied somatics.
study somatics and looking at the nervous system regulation too and neuropsychology and putting it all together to see like what and of course my own experience and then helping other women through it. β
is being able to understand that there does have to be some regulation as we're going through this. So now we have the different phases that we can be aware of, and now we have the different identities that we can be aware of that come in, and we can acknowledge them. What do we do with this information, right? The part of this is the first and foremost is really regulating our system, that nervous system regulation, β different ways that we can do that. Of course, a lot of people, I feel like it's more known of like polyp
vagal therapy and things like that, different yoga strategies and stuff. But there is this regulation that creates an internal safety. So it's really creating the safety so that you can open it up to the reorientation. So the first part is regulation, then there's reorientation. And these are all sort of working together to through all the different shifts. β The reorientation is really rewiring the identity. So that's that inner child healing. That's really
β being able to do some identity healing β and being able to really fully embrace this new identity as we're letting go of the old and
moving into that resonance. So it's all resonating. And this really aligns with that purpose, that next level purpose, because that's what we're really going into this, this next level identity, this next level purpose. β So having the different strategies to move along with that.
through each one of the different phases too. So there's a different way and I've created β some diagnostics actually to help you identify first of all which phase are you in, second of all what identity is keeping you in that phase and then what to do.
speaker-0 (26:03)
I love that because that's a lot of kind of where we're getting where we have no idea what to do because if you're not identifying what phase you're in then there isn't that that hope that story that goes through it's like the hero's journey that we're kind of bringing through with this where it's like okay I see like I was in this great space and then as we go into that hero's journey right you have that β
stress and struggle, the call to action. You can identify where you are in the story. If you're watching a movie, right, you know just by what's going on, kind of where that character is in the story. You've just given us kind of that outline for this is where we are in our growth and development story, especially as midlife women and really looking at, okay, so when we can identify, here I am and in the...
know, deconstruction phase or I'm in the capacity building phase, right? We know that there's something coming next and it's not fair of like, oh my gosh, my world is falling apart and I don't want to do that anymore. it's like, okay, so let's take time to Marie Kondo our life. Yes. longer bringing us joy and love and then be able to open up space to shift supporting ourselves through it instead of shaming
ourselves through it. And that's such a huge difference because if know where we are and we can identify where we're going, there's a lot more, okay, this is just a phase versus this is the end of my life.
speaker-1 (27:40)
Exactly. And so many, so many people end before they get to like that next phase, right? Like I'm always just like, don't stop before the miracle happens. Like, please don't keep going. And now it's like, okay, now I know what's next. I can, and our brain, whether or not we like it or not, our brain loves to categorize, it likes to know, it likes to, right, identify things and put it into like a nice, nice file, right? So this is like that nice file to be like, okay, okay. Because I, you know,
β it breaks my heart hearing some of the stories that I have heard, the experiences, not just stories, but the experiences of β a high functioning woman who has multiple businesses who's calling me and she's just like, I...
I panic when I get on the through I know like I can't drop like what is going on? I'm like hold hold on Let me tell you what's going on because you're starting a new business you're letting go of your old business. Let's look at this right
speaker-0 (28:43)
I'm so glad you identified that because I think so many listeners, me included, can really resonate with that huge anxiety that comes. then like, wait, I had life together and that's like, I don't and I, coming back to our identity, should be able to handle this because I am the capable one. I am the strong one. I am the one that does everything for everybody. Why am I no longer functioning like I was functioning?
speaker-1 (29:07)
Exactly.
Exactly. Exactly. And now you have an answer.
speaker-0 (29:15)
Great.
Okay, let's go through. This is where I am in my whole face cycle. And this is the identity that has been supporting me and I'm outgrowing.
speaker-1 (29:25)
Right, exactly. And there's just so many beautiful experiences that you can have in healing that identity and really acknowledging it, right? And some of the retreats that I've held and a lot of the retreats that I'm so connected with other women and the healing process and stuff that I just love that can create the space, right? To just like, all right, let's dive into this. As high functioning women, how can we move through this in a compassionate and loving way rather than the shame-based way that we have created?
I should be able to do this. Why can't I do this? Like, right? And it's just, if we can get to the point where we can move through these shifts, I mean, I just think about like how impactful it's been in my life and my clients' lives of being able to move through this with this understanding in their lives, but like in their relationships because like...
that, I mean, it impacts such a great, like the ripple effect, right? So if we can move through this with compassion and ease and understanding what that does, right? Like as we ripple out too.
speaker-0 (30:31)
Right. For our relationships with our partners, with our kiddos, as we're talking about that transition, getting them to feel that in a different way. And think a lot of us, or at least me, pushed through in our twenties and didn't really identify these little cycles. It was just kind of that move up. And I'm sure we were going through it. Right. But all of a sudden in midlife, I'm overthinking it. And I have so much knowledge now that it's like, oh wait, and there's more at stake.
Cause we have grown more, we have built more. It's not just us on our own. So when I quit a job in my twenties and moved to something new, it was an adventure. When I'm quitting something and moving something new, then it's, have a partner and I have kids and I have pets and I have a house and I have, and it's not this adventure. It's this scary weighted decision. Yeah.
speaker-1 (31:10)
Exactly.
Absolutely, absolutely. What would it be like though if we could actually make it into like a bit of an adventure again? You know?
speaker-0 (31:35)
I that spark is, can you talk about giving ourselves the space? Cause I think coming in from the twenties, as I'm thinking about it, I had a lot of space. There wasn't that same pressure. It was a lot more, and I had personal space to go do more creative things. And as I'm a mom and you have a business and you have a partner, we lose some of that just individual time. How do we create that space to help support us through this?
speaker-1 (32:03)
Yeah, I mean, it might sound a little cliche, but it has to be intentional, right? Recognizing that this is happening. And here's the thing is that, you know, yes, I love retreats, I make sure I go on a retreat like once a year, at least, right? So it's just like, this is even if it's a weekend, like a weekend away or whatever, something that's like a personal development. β But it doesn't have to be right. Like, how do you want to create your days? And it might have to look
bit different. I was, I will just say like I was very, it's important to me to get up and to like exercise. I love my gym. I love all the things, right? And what I realized, I didn't want to get up at 4 30 in the morning and I started to because it was important enough for me to get that in.
before you know my kids woke up and stuff like that and I had that journaling time. That's what I found. Some women find it in the evening that they can do that right. It's going to be different for everybody but it really is about making the decision. Really making the decision of how do I want to prioritize this.
it doesn't, like I said, it doesn't have to be a weekend retreat. It could be 15 minutes during the day. It can be, right, like taking an hour, signing up with a mentor. That was one of the biggest things, like I always say, like I had a team around me. I have three kids. I, know, busy mom, all that stuff. I was, as I created my business, I was creating my business and I was an executive director full-time, right, and three kids and all of the things and a husband and all of it. And being
able to just be like and I know it just sounds simple but not easy of just like really intentional with my time like very intentional to the point where it was just like I am making sure that I have fun.
Right? That is something it is on my calendar. Fun with the kids. do something. I know this sounds so silly because it's like β organized or like scheduled spontaneity, but I'm like on my calendar, like at least once a month, I'm like, do something spontaneous this weekend. I'm not sure what I'm going to do, but I'm going to do it. So it's, could be 15 minutes. It could be a weekend retreat. can be, β know, whatever fits into your life. But first and foremost,
I always talk about like there's a daily commitment to it. There's a daily commitment to me and my growth because I know how that impacts my kids. When I was running on MD, when I was running from autopilot, was β not as conducive as it is now. I wasn't as present, I will say. β
speaker-0 (34:51)
Right. Right. Yeah.
And it's a big thing. And we have to commit and I think recommit on a daily basis because life does happen. And I know for me, like I got sick and like that was it. And all of the routines and everything fell off because I was sick and then the entire family gets sick while the family got sick and then I got sick. there is this period of time where life is so disrupted and then
coming back out of that, looking at how what was a routine and I like you get up in the morning, I get up early, I exercise, I meditate, that is my space and time before anybody else is up. And it also helps me set up myself for the day and really into what I need, what is downloading for me coming to me. And then hiking became a non-negotiable in my school where it's like,
This is time I block it out in my work day so that I go out and I hike. And if I can't have time to hike, and sometimes that happens, it is a walk around the block. I love going out. There's a river near me and I go walk along the river. And that is huge. And it becomes these non-negotiable spaces because it is hard and we have to really own that time. But when we pull off, it's recommitting to it. And it's saying, okay, I know.
haven't worked out in two weeks, this is important to me, I'm bringing this back in. There's tons of school, you know, things for the kids. I didn't get my hikes. I'm recommitting to it and not letting ourselves go, well, I fell off the wagon and I'm not doing it anymore. I come around and I make those new goals of mine that.
speaker-1 (36:22)
Mike.
I'll do it next year.
speaker-0 (36:40)
But it's recommitting. It's like, okay, this is still important to me, even if I haven't done it for two weeks, it's still important and I'm bringing it back. And it's really honoring it in our lives. And I know as I was really shifting into, cause I had been the capable one, the strong one, I've like hit all of yours, β really in over caring for family, doing it all. And coming back to like, okay, wait, I'm ironing out. This is my time.
But it's also then that renegotiation with family. And especially with my daughter, it was really hard because then there's the tears and the tantrums as I'm going out to my dance classes. I need that class. And it's being okay and not, it's recommitting to, get it's hard for you kiddo. We can work on calming both of our nervous systems, knowing she supported. And it's hard, I'm committing to this. And it shifted.
speaker-1 (37:33)
Zach.
speaker-0 (37:39)
became easier and part of it was letting go of that identity because I was so over-functioning for the entire family and my husband travels. So it was really easy to just be, I'm the parent because it was hard having him come in and out and disrupt schedules. So I just became the parent, but I realized how, yes, it worked until it didn't.
speaker-1 (38:03)
That's the capable one, like, got it all. Go ahead, got it.
speaker-0 (38:06)
toxic it ended up being because then I had no time for me. There was no space for me. Everybody else got to do their stuff, but I was just here taking care of it. And then I shift to, okay, my partner, totally willing stepping up, but I had to let him. And then my kiddo shifting to, oh, wait, I can't just go to mom. I now have to rely on dad in a whole different role. And he doesn't do things the same way. And you know, he doesn't cut the sandwich in the same way and all these little
quirks that you even realize that you've overcompensated for your kids. And it's like, we're shaking up the system. But it's continuing to recommit and saying, okay, I know I'm leaving my daughter crying and she's safe and she's okay. And she's with her dad and I need this class. You're the crying kiddo. And it's like, but this is worth it. And eventually it does shift. And then they're just like, bye mom. Reconstruction phase and then the building capacity.
speaker-1 (38:38)
Okay.
Exactly.
Exactly.
speaker-0 (39:05)
That's uncomfortable and you have to keep recommitting to this is what I need and this is for me. β
speaker-1 (39:11)
but what you're talking about at the end is the integration, right? And then that leadership and legacy forward. And it really is like the, you said it so perfectly, of just like the letting go and knowing that your identity is shifting and your kids not relying on you as much and going through like that grieving stage too and letting it go and being like, it's okay, this is what it's meant to be, right? I'm creating this difference or like,
different boundaries that are healthier and that comes with your kids, that comes... I remember moving back home after being gone for 20 years. We came back to like our hometown and reintegrating into our families and having different boundaries with our families and stuff. It's just so wild to go through β and yeah even just you know I remember grieving over the person that I was for my family, for my brothers and my sisters and stuff like that. β
β It's just, it's a wild, like I said, it was a wild ride. And when you're really in tune with it, like you can take it as that, you know, of course, I'm not saying that there aren't going to be moments of like sadness or anxiety or right, like those feelings. But what I have noticed is that we don't sink so deep, right? That we are regulating as we're moving through this when we know it, but when we also have those skills to regulate, like you were saying, it's like,
okay hon, we're both going to regulate. you know, and teaching, how cool is that to be able to teach our kids that? I remember having one of my littles on my lap as he was emotionally dysregulating as I was shifting, right, as I'm, you know, going out and stuff. And I just remember breathing with him, right? And I'm just like, okay, until he got to that, like the, the, the different, what do I want to say? Of course, losing my mind, β losing my work.
losing my words, but when he gets to this, β the different capacity that we were able to get to and...
Then I remember the moment of integration for him that was like actually a very interesting moment of integration for myself too, is that when he started getting upset and overwhelmed, he actually went out and he grabbed the yoga mat and he sat down and he sat cross legged to get into like meditation. like, and now we've integrated and now we have hit that, right? Now we have, it was just like such a cool moment to have.
So yeah, it's definitely worth it. It's worth it to go through it and it's worth it to have the understanding of what we're going through. But it's also, again, the space that we give ourselves to be able to go through that and the grace, I think, too, to go through it.
speaker-0 (42:04)
And that grace is so important because we can give the space, we have the understanding, but it's also giving ourselves grace because it's not a smooth process. It's slunky and hard. And there's times where you are feeling like you've got this. And that's part of that growing that capacity and a little bit into the end of deconstruction, but you feel like that you've got this and then you react in an old way. And it's like the stress comes up.
and I have just given that control and other people are supporting me and then I get super stressed and it's like, I'm taking it all back and it's mine and I'm not like, do not help.
speaker-1 (42:44)
can't do it anymore.
speaker-0 (42:46)
Understanding that that's part of that grace that this is part of the process It is not just I'm smooth and I've got this that we're gonna have those spaces where we revert back and we Control like crazy because we need it in that moment
speaker-1 (43:01)
Because she's helped us before. Yes.
speaker-0 (43:04)
Here we go. It's like, this is our best option that we know of to survive this situation. But that doesn't mean that we're back there for good. It's saying, okay, there was my blip and I can step in a different way. And we start catching those patterns more and being aware of that. And as we catch that pattern and go, okay, so that was just the old way that I typically react. Help me for this moment.
speaker-1 (43:14)
Absolutely.
speaker-0 (43:32)
We often find that we shift out of it faster.
speaker-1 (43:36)
Absolutely. That's what I look at that of like the gap gets shorter and shorter, right? Like the bounce back, the resiliency. it's self-compassion is actually what gets us to that place too, β of decreasing that bounce back time. It's not the old, I mean, we used to think survival of the fittest and yeah, there's a place and a time for that and all that stuff. But when we're looking at expansion and growth, it's self-compassion.
And I know Kristin Neff, I mean, she is like the guru of self-compassion and she just, think, released the book, what, like last year or this year? I think it was last year of like radical self-compassion and how that actually does move us further.
right? And as far as growth, β not the, and it's crazy how we got into this like criticism of just like, if I'm hard enough on myself, then I'll persevere and I'll move through. And again, I think there's a time and a place for that and it's not here. It's not here.
speaker-0 (44:39)
You're absolutely right. It's giving ourselves that self-compassion and then our family that compassion as well, because they, and a lot of times I feel like we're ahead of our family and then they have to catch up. And keeping that compassion in, we just dysregulated their systems and world and they're not gonna be happy about it. They're gonna have to have that same deconstruction, capacity, growth, integration, space and time like you talked about with your son.
with us or sometimes behind us as we kind of stepped forward and they're not sabotaging us and we're not sabotaging ourselves. It is just this growth and compassion space if we can give it to ourselves and seeing, okay, I've upended my partner's world, my kids' world by saying, I'm not taking care of you like I was. One of the things I found as I really talked with my husband,
is he's like, I don't necessarily want you to give some of that up because that feels like care to me. I don't need like, Ooh, okay. But can we care in a slightly different way? I still really care for you. And I don't have to like get up in the morning and make you coffee and make sure your lunch is packed and you're an adult. I can care for you. And I don't, because I was so over-functioning everything.
speaker-1 (45:47)
just want to tweak it just a little bit.
speaker-0 (46:05)
especially early on when my kids were little and my husband was traveling a ton. And that did feel good to them because here I am taking care of everything. But as we transitioned, we made sure and I intentionally brought in one-on-one time with each kiddo, made sure I one-on-one time with my husband, made sure we had one-on-one time with myself, really brought back in friendships in a different way.
speaker-1 (46:13)
Bye.
Yes, yes.
speaker-0 (46:34)
how I can support myself, but honoring and protecting those times because it's too easy for life to just sweep through and say, well, I'll get that next week. No, I'm going to block that off. Like you schedule it in your calendar. We're blocking that off. And this is our family day. And I'm sorry, kiddo, you want to go do something with your friends, but this is our family day and we're
where do we do a lot of spontaneous things? Because I just know with my brain, spontaneous gives me a lot of input and excitement and adventure and I need that. And so we go on adventure days and off we go. so that, and I know if I haven't had one in a while, like I feel like feeling suffocated and it's like, okay, we're doing this and the entire family knows I need this and they enjoy it as well. But this
something that I push for because I can start feeling that tightness come in when I haven't given myself that space.
speaker-1 (47:34)
Absolutely. And I think there's something so beautiful in being able to shift in a way that is, again, now we're creating some consistency for ourselves, which creates consistency for our family. But we're also saying that we trust other people enough in our family to take care of themselves too, to understand, of course, we're giving them the skills or whatever. And if they do need some additional, we're there too. But really we're saying,
I trust you enough to be able to handle this like you and that's so empowering To really kick it back and and like you were saying it's like they they are likely going to be upset you are up, know, you're you're uprooting some of theirs their safety and their stability too And you guys are growing together and and you're really empowering them to say, okay This is the direction that we're going and I'm letting you know and you know, it's gonna be really cool for all of us
feel cool sometimes.
speaker-0 (48:38)
I know it's really hard. And yes, as you give them that trust for that, their own self capacity, they do, especially my son rises to it and loves it. And the amount of things that he has taken on because he now has that confidence and wants to take on is amazing and also takes things off my plate.
Absolutely. where you have backyard chickens and if, you know, we sleep in on Saturdays, whoever is up first goes and lets the chickens out. It's no longer just my job and he's a real early riser. And so most of the time I will wake up on a Saturday morning and he has done the chickens, he has fed the dog, he's ate and he's taken care of it. And he's big proud of himself that he's done it. Right.
And there is that then sense of, I can do this. So then I can do this. And you see that grow. And it's really neat to see, okay, I can trust you to do more. And we have more flexibility and responsibilities, but also more freedoms because there is that greater trust and a lot less weight on me because instead of mom, need water. And then just waiting for the water fairy to magically appear and you know, bring water.
It's, I need water, I go open the fridge, I get water, and I go back to what I'm doing and there's nothing that I even did for my kiddo. They just got their own.
speaker-1 (50:11)
Right? Isn't it interesting though to let go of that too though? Like, they don't need me. They don't need me. They don't need me. That's scary and exciting.
speaker-0 (50:20)
scary and my gosh thrilling for me and we're looking at as we kind of tune into some of those identities into strong identity is that really loving capable mother does that change that if they do more and I do less?
speaker-1 (50:38)
No.
that means that we are actually β creating a space where we can be leaders and they can be leaders. There's connection, there's creation, there's authority, there's inner authority. mean, all the things that get to happen. And I even think about this as far as just like, cause this really seeped into like my, as a leader, right? Like a leading teams and stuff where I was taking so much on and I'm like, what am I doing? It was actually equine therapy that
helped me through that one to like really open me up to be like, my gosh, I didn't even want to like lead a horse around this whole stable thing that I was supposed to do. And they're like, why are you all the way over by the ravine? You're supposed to be in this space. I'm like, well, I didn't want to, I didn't want to bother. I didn't want to guide too hard. I wanted him to be like very free. And they're like, no, your job is to guide. So it's just, you know, interesting to see, right? That was my relatable one. It's like, I want everybody to be
happy. I want everybody to be, right? β I'll take everything. And then there was like some of the responsible one and the strong one. Like I said, you can find like little pieces all throughout there. But in leadership, it's how does this seep into our leadership? And then what do we want to create, right? If I'm disempowered, I never thought, like when I first doubted out in leadership,
that I was disempowering my team by taking certain things on. like, I always thought like, well, I don't want them to have the stress of blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, right? I'll take it on. I'll, I'll.
martyrdom, right? I'll take it on. And, and then when I started learning more and more about just like, I'm like, that is actually very disempowering. That's basically saying, I don't trust you to like take care of things. Like, what, and I'm building resentments, like what is going on? And I'm exhausted.
This is not working. So it's interesting to see how this all sort of lines up with like family and leadership and like what we want to do it and then when we go into our businesses too if we if we do that. So yeah it's really an interesting framework to use throughout so many different areas of your life right but it really is all in leadership when you think about being the leader of your family and leading the teams and leading your business and so yeah.
speaker-0 (53:01)
It's
incredible. And I'm glad you kind of touched on the disempowerment part because I definitely saw that in my own business, in my work life, in my family life, in my partnership as I didn't seem to disempower my husband. But he was feeling disempowered and resentful. I was overcompensating. And there comes that conversation and dynamics is like, okay.
I get it's not going to be done my way. You know, we always talk about or hear about, know, going back and redoing the dishwasher because they did it the wrong way. Let them just do the dishwasher. The dishes are going to get clean, even if it's organized in the way that I need. And that's okay. So I'm glad you touched on that because it's really important to see it's not just benefiting us. And I think we feel selfish sometimes when we're stepping into this new role, we really are creating that expansion, not
speaker-1 (53:37)
Bye.
speaker-0 (53:57)
just for us, but for our teams, for our family. And that's huge.
speaker-1 (54:03)
Absolutely. It's Glennon Doyle calls it, brutal and beautiful. I'm like, it's a brutal process.
speaker-0 (54:09)
Hahaha
Absolutely.
Thank you so much. are so incredible. I love this conversation. Know that there are listeners that are also loving this conversation. Can you share how people can connect with you?
speaker-1 (54:21)
See you.
Yeah, absolutely. β They can find me at Institute for Female Trailblazers.com. β Institute Female Trailblazers is my Instagram. yeah, anything Institute for Female Trailblazers. I also have a private group Women on the Rise, but you can find me on Facebook at Leanne Jamieson. β
Yeah, so a lot of different ways to connect and I would love to hear from you. have different like the diagnostics that I was talking about people can get for free so β please you know reach out anyway and I'd be so happy to send it to you.
speaker-0 (55:02)
Whoa, perfect. And I will have all of your links down in the show notes. So it's an easy. Thank you so much for this conversation.
speaker-1 (55:09)
Thank you so much. It was so much fun. So I'm honored.
Landy Peek (55:12)
This conversation was such an important reminder that growth is not always graceful while you're in the thick of it. sometimes it looks like discomfort. Sometimes it looks like grief. Sometimes it looks like outgrowing the very version of you that got you here. But that does not mean you are failing. It may mean you're in the middle of becoming.
If this episode spoke to you, I'd love for you to share it with a friend. There are so many women in this midlife space who are struggling and feel unseen. Send it to another woman who is in her own in-between season, or post it, share it, tag me, share with me what you are going through. I'd love to know. These are the conversations that help women feel less alone in what they are carrying
and more grounded in where we are headed. And if you want to connect with LeeAnne, all of her links are down in the show notes. I want to thank you for being here. I want to thank you for showing up, for listening, for doing something incredible for you. You are changing your life and your directory. And in doing so, you are changing the world. And I want to honor that.
I wanna say because I think all women should hear it and we don't often enough. You are incredible. You are smart. You are brave. You are changing the world just by showing up every single day. I invite you to stay curious, stay honest with yourself and trust that even in this yucky, messy middle part of the journey that you might just be in that deconstructive phase, but
This is leading you somewhere.
I want to wish you all the happiness today can bring, and I will talk to you on the next episode.
Speaker 2 (56:58)
Hey, before you go, just a little bit of legal. This podcast is designed for educational purposes only. It is not to replace any expert advice from your doctors, therapists, coaches, or any other professional that you would work with. It's just a chat with a friend, me, where we get curious about ideas, thoughts, and things that are going on in our lives.
As we're talking about friends, if you know someone who would benefit from a conversation today, please share because I think the more that we open up these conversations, the more benefit we all get. So until next time, give yourself a big hug from me and stay curious because that's the fun in this world.
