Landy Peek (00:34)
If sex has started to feel like one more thing on your to-do list, if you sometimes think, why does this feel harder than it used to? If you love your partner, but sex doesn't always feel fun or easy anymore, this episode is just for you. Welcome back to the Landy Peak Podcast. I'm Landy Peak.
Today's conversation is one so many women quietly need, especially if you're in a long-term relationship, you're juggling kids and work, and you're carrying a lot in your head all day.
Kuchy, empowered intimacy mentor, certified relationship intimacy and sex therapist, and she's been helping women and couples
reconnect with pleasure owning her voice and confidence for over eight years. In this episode, we talk about why sex can start to feel pressured, why some people warm up quickly and others need more time, how to speak up without blowing up your relationship, and how to bring back safety and play into the bedroom.
This isn't about being better at sex. It's not about forcing yourself to want it. It's about creating sex that feels good in your body again. So let's dive in.
speaker-0 (01:49)
Welcome Sky Blue Kutchie to the Landy Peak podcast. She is our second time being on the podcast and she was also in the village with me and I absolutely love her. So welcome. Can you tell a little bit about yourself so the listeners can get to know you?
speaker-1 (02:07)
Yes, thanks Landi for having me. I'm so happy to be back and I am the empowered intimacy mentor. I'm also a certified relationship intimacy and sex therapist for over eight years now. And I'm supporting couples, but also women as individuals in making sex fun and exciting again, rather than an obligation or a chore or something to cross off here to do this.
speaker-0 (02:37)
love that. Because I think, and I'm so excited for this conversation as we talk about women finding their voice and finding that joy and love of sex again, or for the first time, because a lot of women that I've talked to have more of that transactional view of sex, where it's not something that they want and love, but something that's just kind of part of what they have to do.
speaker-1 (03:02)
Mm-hmm.
Yeah, and I feel so sad when you say that but because it's true a lot of women feel this way and and they don't have to if they don't want to Yeah, sex and intimacy could be something to be looked forward to that's pleasurable for all of you for both of you ⁓ Something that is joyful
speaker-0 (03:16)
Wait.
speaker-1 (03:29)
and connective rather than something like, ugh, this is something I have to do for my partner to make him probably a him, but maybe her happy. Mm-hmm.
speaker-0 (03:42)
As you kind of talk about, so the first thing that's popping into my head, So it's that a lot of women, I'm gonna back up, kind of before sex happens, a of women feel like there's certain touches that are like, ah, this leads to sex.
speaker-1 (03:54)
A lot.
speaker-0 (04:01)
But I have a client that's coming to mind every time partner gives her a back rub, it's like, he wants sex. And then that back rub becomes something transactional and not something that she enjoys. So many women I hear want to come back to that space of touch for touch because we have that connection, not touch that leads to something or has to lead to something. Can you speak to that? ⁓
speaker-1 (04:13)
Yes.
my gosh, I hear this often and I've also experienced it. You know, I've been with my partner for over 20 years and there was a time in our teens and 20s we met in high school, but like that what you're talking about was happening back then. So I can really empathize with women who feel like that. And I think that the issue is we are not
especially in America, our sex education totally sucks. So we're not taught how to talk to your partner about sexual desire, about wanting to connect intimately. So what tends to happen is if we're talking about a heterosexual couple, man and a woman, the guy is usually the person with the higher level of desire or more spontaneous.
level of desire, is like spontaneous, meaning he sees something and he's just like, ooh, now I want sex. And because he probably doesn't know how to talk about it, connect beforehand, he will probably do something like, ooh, a back rub. Or like there's a certain kind of.
speaker-0 (05:32)
Mm-hmm. ⁓
Right.
Hmm?
speaker-1 (05:49)
or like we get in bed and then I start like kissing your neck and then what happens is over time she will start to associate you're touching me like this because you want to fuck me and that is like unappealing right because what's happening is she probably wants and needs more before having sex with her partner she wants more emotional connection
speaker-0 (06:02)
Mm-hmm.
speaker-1 (06:19)
She wants more physical connection, like kissing, cuddling, central showers, so that her, probably her more responsive type of desire can get kind of revved up. It's like a slow burn before she's like, ooh, now I want sex. So it's just a miscommunication and a lack of understanding around the types of desire and how to access what I call your playroom.
speaker-0 (06:37)
Yes.
speaker-1 (06:48)
Right? So someone with a spontaneous level of desire can enter their playroom. ⁓ and that's like the place in your brain where you go to like have fun and explore sexuality. Yeah. ⁓ he can probably enter that playroom real fast. Okay. And then she might need a little bit of warmup. She probably needs to relax. She needs to connect. She needs to feel safe.
speaker-0 (07:15)
Hmm?
speaker-1 (07:16)
And then she might venture into the playroom. So no one's doing anything wrong. It's just a lack of understanding and communication around desire and needs.
speaker-0 (07:19)
Bye.
I love how it's just coming down to kind of breaking it apart to it's a lack of communication and that we have different desire and needs. And I love the visual of the playroom that one person can jump right in, but the other one needs a little bit more support getting there, more connection, being able to downshift. know so many women who are just running on fumes and going and going and going and having a thousand things.
and feel like they need the dishes done and the house picked up so that they can rest and shift into that ability to go into the playroom. And when everything else is kind of buzzing around and Especially moms who are constantly touched out, having that extra touch without the kind of de-stressing really does feel...
yucky instead of something good.
speaker-1 (08:24)
Yeah, yeah, that totally makes sense. And this is so complicated. So everything I'm saying is like really simplifying things. But when you talk about like moms being touched out or just women having all this mental load, in care of the home, taking care of the kids, maybe you work as well. There's so much shit on your mind. ⁓
speaker-0 (08:42)
Hmm?
speaker-1 (08:54)
that for and if you have a more responsive level of desire, which means it's like a slow burn right into your play room, you need to like, like I said, you need to relax, feel safe, feel connected. And then maybe you're like, okay, I can peek into the play room now. ⁓ and there's nothing wrong with that. It's just maybe how you are. ⁓ these things need to be addressed, like intentionally address.
speaker-0 (09:21)
huh.
speaker-1 (09:23)
you want to get into your playroom with your partner.
speaker-0 (09:26)
Right. So as a woman who's like, okay, so just a boob grab when we go, you know, climb into bed is not going to do it for me. How do we have that conversation? Because sometimes it feels like, oh my gosh, this is going to make things sticky and icky. And I just don't have the energy to have the fight or whatever is going to come up that tends to like come up as soon as we talk about things. How do we start getting our voice and
speaker-1 (09:35)
Yeah.
speaker-0 (09:55)
doing it in a way that maintains that relationship.
speaker-1 (09:58)
That's a great question. And again, it's not a simple light switch, you know, that you just turn on and off. I do understand and I empathize with if you're feeling anxious about it, because I think most women have been conditioned to be uber people pleasers, which I was raised that way. I was taught that everyone else's needs were more important than my own.
speaker-0 (10:18)
Right?
Mm-hmm.
speaker-1 (10:28)
And
when I got into a romantic relationship, I didn't want to say what I wanted. It was always, well, what do you want? You want to do, you want to have sex now? Okay, I guess I'll do that too. It was rarely about what do I want and what do I need? So I think for a lot of women that comes up in the moment that you're describing. So
speaker-0 (10:41)
Hmm.
speaker-1 (10:52)
First of all, I think you just gotta sit with that for a moment. Like, why are you feeling so hesitant to use your voice? Where does that come from for you? Right? And just having that understanding is important. then also realizing like, this is a consent issue. This is really important. So we all have the right to say, yes, we want something. No, I don't.
speaker-0 (11:00)
Hmm?
in.
Mm-hmm.
Great.
speaker-1 (11:21)
Or maybe later, if you actually mean maybe later. And if you're not using your voice in those ways, you're not actually having a healthy consent practice within yourself or within your relationship. And there's like, that's a huge issue for everybody, for everybody involved.
speaker-0 (11:25)
rates.
It is a huge.
Yes. And a lot of us aren't seeing it as a consent issue. And I'm really glad you brought that in.
speaker-1 (11:56)
Yeah, I think this is so important because if we're breaking our own consent, so for example, if we're just having sex because our partner wants to and we're like, just get it over with, you are breaking your own consent.
speaker-0 (12:14)
Mary?
speaker-1 (12:16)
That means you're breaking your own trust. And then your body's gonna respond. And it's gonna be like, I really don't like this now. But if you keep doing that over and over and over, what can happen is you can feel repelled by touch. Like I just wanna avoid all intimacy because you're not feeling safe. your body and your nervous system will not feel safe if you do not have a strong.
speaker-0 (12:19)
Hmm?
Hmm?
speaker-1 (12:44)
consent practice and trust within yourself.
speaker-0 (12:48)
That's really big. And I think so many women have learned to kind of dial down our own kind of interoception, like the sensations and feelings inside. And we're not seeing it as not consent. We're seeing it or not honoring our own consent. We're seeing it as, I'm just pushing through, just like we've done in the workplace or in school, right? I'm hungry, but I'm just gonna push through. I'm tired, but I'm still gonna push through.
I don't really want sex, but I'm still gonna push through. I'm making this kind of mindset around, I'm gonna turn down my own needs and then just push through. Really bringing kind of that consent idea. It's like this pause of like, this feels bigger. It is.
speaker-1 (13:27)
Yeah.
It is big.
It is big. I know that was a little deep, but I think that is like the root thing coming up there for most people that you need to recognize as because it's so important. And like you said, if you're pushing your own needs aside, how could
speaker-0 (13:53)
rate.
speaker-1 (14:01)
sex and intimacy ever be something that you actually enjoy and look forward to if you're constantly just bearing it?
speaker-0 (14:08)
Absolutely. Makes so much sense. And we want to enjoy it. It should be something that it's like, this is a fun part of life. And for anything a lot of women, it's just something to check off or that we have to do to kind of be in that relationship. So if we're finding ourselves in that spot, what can we do to start really leaning in and using our own voice, finding our own voice?
speaker-1 (14:10)
And
Yeah.
Well, it starts on the inside. have to give yourself permission to use your voice. And if it's been years and years of not doing that, it's gonna probably feel really hard or scary. Or like you said, like you're scared of like causing a fight or something like that. Right. And I was terrified.
when I first started using my voice in my relationship, I would literally like shake and I would get sweaty. I was so scared of his reaction. But there was a part of me that was like, I deserve this. I deserve to be heard. And I decided I don't wanna be in a relationship where I can't use my voice or where my partner is gonna flip out. I...
speaker-0 (15:21)
Mm-hmm.
Right?
speaker-1 (15:31)
do say no to something or we have a difference of desire. And because I believed that, I kept going and I kept practicing. So what I would recommend is like start small. You can even start outside of the bedroom and just checking in with yourself about like, what do I want in any given moment?
speaker-0 (15:36)
Great.
Mm-hmm.
Hmm?
Right?
speaker-1 (15:58)
What do I want to eat right now? What does my body need right now? ⁓ Do I want to actually be talking to this person? Like, so you're using, you're starting to build your consent muscles is what I call them outside of the bedroom. And sometimes that can feel a little bit easier. And then over time, those can translate into the bedroom. Like, this position is not doing it for me. I'd like to switch it up.
speaker-0 (16:23)
Hmm?
speaker-1 (16:28)
Right. ⁓ I am genuinely exhausted and I don't want to like have, I don't want to go all the way, but I would really love to make out instead.
Yeah, so that's how you start and I know that it's way easier said than done.
speaker-0 (16:44)
It is easier said than done. And a lot of times I think it's tuning in to kind of what we want and need in like, okay, so I make dinner for what my partner wants, what my kids will eat without a fuss, what I have in the fridge, what's on the way home, but not tuning into what actually sounds good to me. And starting those simple things, simple, not so simple, but starting that conscious awareness of
factoring me into the equation, not just me as an afterthought. ⁓ Love how you're starting there and then say, let's bring it to the bedroom, not let's bring it to the bedroom when it feels really, really big and overwhelming.
speaker-1 (17:17)
I
⁓ absolutely. You don't want to jump in the deep end that that is scary. And that might really put you off of trying to use your voice. So I do recommend starting small and turning your eye inwards is what I call it. Like, what do I want? And you're working your muscles. You're here. What do I want muscles? yeah, and even
speaker-0 (17:48)
weren't they?
speaker-1 (17:50)
In the example that you gave of like, I'm driving home from work and I'm thinking about how I'm gonna cook for five people, maybe, is this a moment that you could be like, hey partner, I can't do this tonight, I need you to do this. I need you to take control of the dinner tonight because I need to take a bath.
speaker-0 (17:57)
Mm-hmm.
Right? Yes. And a lot of it comes to kind of that internal emotional capacity and being able to say, tag your it, I'm out. I don't have the capacity to cook dinner. And allowing them to step in and having those conversations around, it's not just allowing, but inviting, expecting them to step in. Cause sometimes I know in my relationship that wasn't always the expectation. I did a lot. And then I had to a point of,
I'm not doing everything for everyone anymore. And so sharing, inviting in others to take in that responsibility, my kids included, really does kind of flip the script and allowed me more time to focus on me and get curious about what I want and what I need. Okay, giving up that control as well.
speaker-1 (18:59)
Yeah.
Totally. I love that you brought that up because it makes me think of like traditional gender roles. I will preface this by saying if you're a person who believes in traditional gender roles, that's totally fine. As long as you're consensually entering into that agreement, right? That's totally fine if that's how you want to live your life. However, I think that a lot of women just go into it because you think they should. Yes.
speaker-0 (19:09)
Mm-hmm.
Right?
speaker-1 (19:32)
And because they, I don't know, they haven't thought about maybe this could be different or this is, you know, the traditional gender roles is still typically what we see in society as well. So, and myself included, I thought I needed to take care of everyone else, make dinner all the time. I do all the housework. I have a job. I have two jobs. But I took on all this other stuff without even thinking twice about it. Right.
because of what I learned. So if your choice is, actually don't wanna do that anymore, I don't wanna prescribe to that, that's okay. And then having those conversations with your partner is really important so that you can enter into an agreement that's like mutually agreed upon.
speaker-0 (20:09)
Hmm?
Great. And that's huge.
speaker-1 (20:24)
It's huge. Angry.
speaker-0 (20:26)
We're going from bringing in some more kind of different dynamics, I guess, outside of the bedroom. How do we start broaching that topic of inside the bedroom? Beginning that we have two kind of different ways to get into the playroom. Can you speak to that in a way that maybe women can then use that as a stepping point of, okay, so there's
speaker-1 (20:39)
brought up at the
speaker-0 (20:54)
a playroom and you might have spontaneous and I can't remember what other what else you said but have a different way to relate. How do women start that conversation?
speaker-1 (21:05)
Mm-hmm. Well, first of all, I'd recommend a book. Okay. If you've never read Come As You Are, Emily Nagoski, highly recommend it. A lot of the information I'll share is from that book. But anybody of any gender can learn so much about sexuality and desire and your brain and how it works in book. But I'll try to kind of...
speaker-0 (21:17)
Same. ⁓
speaker-1 (21:34)
make it as simple as possible. So the responsive desire, which is that other type. Most women, oh probably 80 % of us are more responsive. So you can think about it like this, spontaneous desire is like a lighter, like you're gonna light a cigarette. You see something, smell something like there's a stimuli you get exposed to.
speaker-0 (21:47)
Hmm?
speaker-1 (22:02)
If you're more spontaneous and you'd be like, ching, the lighters on and you're like, ooh, I'm thinking about sex now and that sounds really good to me. So you enter into your playroom pretty fast, pretty quickly. The responsive desire is different. It's like building a campfire. So if you've never done that, you need like little kindling first, like dry grass, and you get like a little bit of smoke going.
speaker-0 (22:31)
huh.
speaker-1 (22:32)
tiny
sticks and the flame grows and then bigger sticks and the flame gets a little bigger. So you're slowly building the flame and it grows and grows. Right. So it's like a slow burn is what I call it. So what that means in real life is ⁓ most women want to feel relaxed. How do you do that? You got to get curious about what this means for you. But does that mean
speaker-0 (22:53)
next.
speaker-1 (23:00)
The dishes do need to be done. Dogs have gone out. are taken care of, whatever that means. They're fed, they're with the babysitter, whatever, they're sleeping, right? Okay, now I can kind of relax, start to relax.
speaker-0 (23:03)
Hmm? Mm-hmm.
Thanks.
speaker-1 (23:18)
And then what you want to do is what I call a bridging activity to go from doing mode to being more open to like intimacy mode. Right. So that might mean I'm going to like wash my face and change my clothes and put on something that makes me feel good in my body. That might mean we are going to do massages with each other. Right.
maybe take a central shower together. That's my favorite. Yeah. So you do an activity that's purposely there to help you go from doing mode to like relaxing and like receiving mode. Yes. And that activity might take a while. Like, right. It might not be like five minutes of massages and I'm ready to go. It might be.
I wanna like have dinner and chat with you for a while. And then we have like a 30 minute shower and then a little bit of massage and then like, okay, now I'm in my playroom and I'm ready for like something more sexy. So your flame is like building and building and building until your brain goes, ooh, I kinda like this. And then your body will start to respond with more arousal. Does that make sense?
speaker-0 (24:26)
Mm-hmm.
It makes complete sense. And I love the fire analogy because you can see it kind of building and it's not like you're going to throw a match and it's going to go whoosh all the way up. It's really giving that space and time. If you think about, that little kindling, that little grass needs to catch on, then it's going to smoke for a little bit. And then you have little sticks that are going to catch and then they're going to smoke and grow.
speaker-1 (24:52)
Yeah.
speaker-0 (25:06)
If you think about that in our kind of transition into that play time, it does take time because we're going from a thousand things that we're doing and thinking about. I love the bridge. And then we need something to kind of help shift us from doing to more open to receiving, but it's still not just one bridge. It's not, just going to change our clothes. We're just going to sit on the couch for a minute.
You're talking about multiple things to get us to that space that we're ready for our playtime.
speaker-1 (25:38)
Absolutely. And this can be over the course of like a few days. Yes. Right? So this is making me think about a lot of people are like, I want it to be spontaneous. There's nothing wrong with that if that's what you want. However, if you think about back when you were dating, were things really spontaneous? I don't know. You probably shaved your legs the night before.
speaker-0 (25:59)
Hmm?
speaker-1 (26:08)
Probably picked out your outfit. You probably thought about what are we going to do on our date? And then you had dinner and hung out for a while. And then maybe at some point you did have sex. Right. Do you see how like you did all the things I was just talking about over the space of time?
speaker-0 (26:13)
Hmm?
Absolutely. I'm so glad you brought that in because we often think of more of like our 20s early, you know, years and years ago of having sex. It was felt more spontaneous, right? It felt like you're out, you're doing something fun and then you end up having sex. But there is this whole process that you did getting ready to see this person because at that time we weren't living together. And so there is that like
premeditated time that we're going to get together, that we are going to go out and do something fun first. We're with each other all the time and live together and it's more of that expectation of, okay, day's done, kids are asleep, now we have 30 minutes before I really have to be asleep because I have to get up at five and we're trying to cram it in this little time and we've given all of that preparation. we're honoring that we've
speaker-1 (27:05)
Yeah.
Yeah.
speaker-0 (27:27)
Probably always needed that. We just didn't recognize it.
speaker-1 (27:32)
Yes, I love how you just explained it. Yeah, so If you're in a longer-term relationship, like you still need to date each other They look different because now you live together and you have all of these life responsibilities But this like you still need the same thing Right, like you need to wake up. There's a saying seduction starts from the moment you wake up. ⁓ Yeah
speaker-0 (27:52)
Yes.
I love that.
speaker-1 (28:01)
So you wake up, how do you start the day? Something my partner does that I love. He's an early bird. He's up way earlier than me. I need more sleep than he does. But before he goes to work, every morning, he comes over and he kisses me and he's so sweet. And he says sweet things to me. And even though I'm half asleep, I feel so connected with him already.
speaker-0 (28:25)
Hmm?
speaker-1 (28:26)
And then throughout the day, we text each other. If I'm in the mood, sometimes I'll take a sexy photo and send it to him. Sometimes we plan like, hey, do you want to hang out tonight? What would you like to do? So we're constantly kind of back and forth checking in emotionally. Maybe there's a sexy thing here or there. We're talking about how we want to connect later. And then we do talk about sex pretty often. Yes.
speaker-0 (28:50)
Mm-hmm
speaker-1 (28:54)
And it's not, it's not like porn, but like, Hey, I really want to make out with you tonight. Right. Would you like that too? So it's a, it's a constant thing. And I'm not saying you have to do that, but it is from the moment you wake up, every little choice of how am going to connect with my partner, make them feel seen, safe, heard, loved, know that I desire them.
But we can make so many little choices throughout the day to do that.
speaker-0 (29:29)
Yeah, I love how you kind of brought that in because we do very similar in that it starts early and my husband also gets up extremely early. But it's, you know, just the good morning kind of hugging kiss. And then we do text throughout the day, whether it's emojis and, you know, things like, I mean, just sometimes plain say, I want to have sex tonight. But it's a lot of and I've looked at it as kind of like
full day for play, but it is a connection throughout. When we get home, things are bustling, but it's still taking moments to hug, to kiss, in the kitchen, to dance a little bit if we're getting ready for dinner, a lot of different opportunities to connect where it's not just overtly sexual, but sometimes it is, but it's not
speaker-1 (30:04)
Thank you.
speaker-0 (30:28)
I mean, if we're cooking dinner and nobody's in the kitchen and it, you know, does get to be a little bit more, it's not leading to anything because we still have to get dinner on the table and we have kids. And so it's not that expectation of I'm touching in a certain way and we're going to have sex right away. It is kind of that buildup. And then by the time the kids get to sleep and I have to have kids asleep before I can downshift anytime, it's like if I know they're awake, I'm still partly awake, like partly
you know, ready to anticipate needs or whatever needs to come up. But it is then I need some space and time. Okay, they're asleep. We're going to like downshift. I'm going to read, we're going to watch TV. And then I can start thinking about we're going to have sex, but it isn't that, okay, kids are asleep. Let's go. There is that downshift that needs to happen.
speaker-1 (31:20)
Yeah, so it sounds like throughout the day you are stoking your fire. And what I love about your story is like there's a lot of what I call non-demand touch. Oh, I love that term. Yeah, non-pressure touch. Hugging, kissing, dancing, having fun, there's not a sense of pressure behind it that like I'm touching you now and we have to go all the way.
speaker-0 (31:24)
Great.
Last!
Yes, because I think that I'm touching you now and we have to go all the way. I've heard a lot of women that I know is part of that relationship. That it's like, okay, it's on and there isn't that kind of fun. I want to be touched and loved. That's missing from a lot of relationships. It's touch for sexual touch, but not all this fun stuff in between.
speaker-1 (32:16)
Mm-hmm. I think that's true. And when we feel pressure, it's literally like dumping water on the fire.
speaker-0 (32:25)
⁓ yes.
speaker-1 (32:27)
The desire usually just like fizzles out. Right? Pressure is not good.
speaker-0 (32:33)
Yeah.
speaker-1 (32:35)
Yeah, it creates a lot of anxiety.
speaker-0 (32:37)
What can we do for ourselves to kind of shift? if we're feeling we only have demand touch and not non-demand touch and we want more of that, how do we broach that topic?
speaker-1 (32:49)
Well, we gotta talk about it. We have to talk about it. And again, I understand if you're having anxieties, nerves, you're afraid of how this is gonna land with your partner. The truth is, I work with a lot of clients and sometimes partners don't like to hear these things, which is understandable. But again, you gotta remember, I deserve to be heard.
speaker-0 (33:16)
Hmm?
speaker-1 (33:17)
Needs and desires are just as important as my partners. And if this is really important, you have to pretend there's a bubble around your partner and there's a bubble around you. If your partner has feelings about whatever you're sharing, it's okay. Their feelings belong in their bubble. Leave those over there. Stay in your own bubble.
speaker-0 (33:20)
Hmm?
Hmm. ⁓
Mm-hmm.
speaker-1 (33:46)
And keep reminding yourself, like, I deserve to be heard. I deserve to be heard. It's okay. They can stay in their own bubble.
speaker-0 (33:54)
Mm-hmm
for so many of our relationships is that the other person can have their feelings and their feelings are theirs. And I love the visual of the bubble and we can still have our needs and we can still share our needs and have our voice. I mean, it works with our kids too. All of the different relationships is they can have their emotions, it's theirs, and we can still have what we need and be able to communicate that. Right, a lot of these things,
speaker-1 (34:22)
Mm-hmm.
speaker-0 (34:24)
I think we go into the conversations less prepared for their emotions and we've kind of thought about what we want to say and what we want to do. And then when they have a reaction, it throws us off and it's like, now we've got a backpedal or we've got to, you know, try to repair the relationship instead of that separation of, it's just their emotions and feelings. And that's okay. They can have those. ⁓ It doesn't impact my needs. We can, it's an and.
they can have their emotions and I can still want something different. And I don't have to bend just because they're having emotions.
speaker-1 (35:01)
Yeah, exactly. That's exactly right. And so I'd say that's how to approach the conversation. And then how to actually do it. Whatever, what I recommend is called a soft landing. Okay. So you start the conversation by saying something kind or loving or something about the relationship and your connection. I'll give you an example.
speaker-0 (35:09)
Hmm?
speaker-1 (35:32)
⁓ Like, babe, really, you I love that you want to connect with me sexually. Feel your desire. And I also want to have like be sexual with you. So that's the nice part. That's the kind, soft landing. And then, and I need more touch throughout the day. And without any pressure for more.
speaker-0 (35:39)
Hmm?
Hmm?
speaker-1 (36:01)
before I can feel open to sex with you.
speaker-0 (36:06)
right.
speaker-1 (36:07)
That was just an example. So the soft landing most of the time helps partners feel a little bit less defensive. But not always, right? It's not a guarantee.
speaker-0 (36:09)
Mm-hmm.
Right?
but it does help and like, okay, mutually we do want this. I see you want it. I'm saying I want it as well that we have that connection in that slow burn. And I love that visual. I need more touch. need less demands. want to touch to touch. I want to touch just because it feels good. And I want to feel connected with you without having the expectation that we're going to have sex every night, but we can just play with.
speaker-1 (36:30)
Ian
speaker-0 (36:51)
out having to have sex and that's going to build more of my connection with you to have me more open. And there is, I love that how you're approaching that conversation. We're really, kind of the needs and how our bodies work and hoping that it's received well, even though sometimes it might not be and that's okay.
speaker-1 (37:04)
Laying out.
And that's okay. Yeah, it's okay if it's not received well. Of course it would suck. And that's not the reaction that you want, but you still deserve to be heard. Yes. ⁓ And then I do want to bring up, because I have seen this quite a bit in my work, is sometimes male partners will be like, well, what about what I want?
speaker-0 (37:36)
⁓ yes.
speaker-1 (37:38)
I see that often. Okay. And I have a lot to say about that, specifically if you're the female partner and trying to talk to your partner about this, the guy, and he's like, well, what about me? I like, want to have sex. Well, again, this is a consent issue. Yes. Right. If someone is telling you, I don't want that right in this moment, you're saying no.
speaker-0 (37:52)
Mm-hmm.
Hmm?
speaker-1 (38:07)
And that needs to be respected. That is a boundary. Yes. And this is a really important and difficult part about using your voice. Saying no, meaning it, and then not being like, fine. I'll just do it because you want to. Because that's gonna, if your goal here is to enjoy sex more often and want it more often, you do not want to,
speaker-0 (38:17)
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm
Great.
speaker-1 (38:36)
go back on yourself backpedal and be like oh well okay I'll do whatever you want right because there's a part of you that's going to be like well this still sucks and I don't like sex yeah
speaker-0 (38:50)
It's really honoring kind of that honoring ourself, honoring that consent, honoring our ick factor, because we do start to kind of connect that if you're overriding your own needs and wants because they want to because they say, well, what about my needs? And you're like, well, it's part of marriage or part of a relationship. You're overriding yourself. And then you're setting yourself up to not like that.
versus honoring yourself and they'll be fine. They also have a hand, really being able to say, okay, I understand in here that you want it, but I don't. And it takes two to tango. And so if you don't want it and I do, we're still not going to have it because it takes two to tango. And so we'll be honoring our own needs and wants as much as we honor theirs.
speaker-1 (39:45)
Absolutely, goes both ways. Yeah. And you can ⁓ let your partner listen to this part. If he's a dude, I'll tell him if he can respect your no and pressure you, like consistently, not just the one time, but like always respect your no and respect your boundary.
speaker-0 (39:47)
It does.
Mm-hmm.
speaker-1 (40:12)
he is going to start to get more of what he wants.
speaker-0 (40:16)
100%. The difference in my partner's eyes sex life now versus in the past where we have more open conversations about different things, where we can have those full days of foreplay, our sex life is a lot hotter now than it was in our twenties. And so yes, you will get more of what you want, but it's respecting those boundaries and it's respecting
how the different bodies work, and we do need more of a slow burn. And if we're not in the mood, we're not in the mood.
speaker-1 (40:53)
100%. And what happens is when a partner starts to respect your no and your boundaries and they go, ⁓ okay, no problem. Like I've got it, I've got a hand or like maybe tomorrow or whatever. then what happens is you start to feel safe. Yes. And you're like, my gosh, there's no more pressure. And when you start to consistently trust that there's no pressure,
speaker-0 (41:16)
Yeah.
speaker-1 (41:21)
You start, your body starts to get more curious. Like, ⁓ okay, I, there's no more pressure. I feel free. I feel safe. And like, now I can actually explore what I do want. And then you're more likely to say yes to things that you want to, to play with.
speaker-0 (41:40)
Right.
It's so this is such an important conversation.
speaker-1 (41:48)
Yeah, I think so. these are things that I say over and over and over again, and I wish more people and more women could hear it because I think so many ⁓ relationships would be so much happier. Yeah, so much more content and more fun if they could apply these things.
speaker-0 (42:09)
Huh?
Absolutely, and the safety within the relationship I think is so key. Because you're right, the more safe that we feel, the more open we are to different play and deeper connection. Because we're not guarding ourselves or guarding our feelings or emotions or our needs, we can just be a lot more open with it.
speaker-1 (42:32)
Yeah, for sure. And then my last thought on this is we each as an individual, we are responsible for our own orgasms.
speaker-0 (42:44)
⁓ I'm so glad you brought this up.
speaker-1 (42:47)
Yes, everybody is capable of giving themselves an orgasm So take that pressure off of your partner as well Right just because you're having sex doesn't mean your partner owes you an orgasm doesn't mean you owe them one take that completely off the table and That's another way to take pressure off and relieve a lot of anxiety
speaker-0 (42:54)
Mm-hmm.
Okay, talk more about that.
speaker-1 (43:20)
Well, I hear people feel pressured to give orgasms. If your partner's like, well, what about me? And what about my needs? I want to come. It's like, you can go do that. Go do that. You can make yourself go do that. If sex is goal-oriented, meaning if sex, if you think about sex and it means penetrative sex and orgasms,
Which by the way, penetrative sex most of the time is not that great for women. Right. On its own.
speaker-0 (43:53)
Eight.
It's like 60 % of women can't orgasm with.
speaker-1 (43:58)
Is
it 80 %?
speaker-0 (44:01)
80
% of women cannot orgasm without clitoral stimulation. So just penetration is not going to do it for you.
speaker-1 (44:07)
It's not gonna do it for you. But if you think that's what sex is about, if sex is penetration and him having an orgasm, that does have nothing to do with you. That's not fun for you. So if we can change the paradigm. Sex about connection and pleasure. Connection and pleasure.
speaker-0 (44:19)
Right?
I ate.
Thanks.
speaker-1 (44:36)
That can mean whatever you want it to mean. So if you take those goals off the table and you're just like, want to connect with you and I want to feel good with you. That could mean a lot of different things. There's no right or wrong answer, but I bet it would feel a lot more freeing.
speaker-0 (44:39)
Right.
Absolutely. my gosh, this is so important. As we come to a close, is there anything else that you would like the listener to know?
speaker-1 (45:11)
if you're listening to what I'm saying and you're like, my gosh, this is cool, but really scary, like I could never do that or I don't know how to do that. Like that's, it's okay. I think a lot of women might be in that position and I definitely was, you know, even 10, 15 years ago, right? So I understand there's a lot of social conditioning that we need to rewire and rewrite.
to get to a place of empowerment, but it's absolutely doable. You can do it. You deserve to do it. There's folks out there like myself who are trained in this to help you get there, to help you and your partner get to a place of like fun and excitement and empowerment in the bedroom. Nice. Yeah.
speaker-0 (46:02)
And I know there are people that really want to continue the conversation with you because they're like, yes, yes, I need this, but I'm scared and I don't know how. Can you share, cause I know you have a membership, can you share how people can connect with you and really have support so they're not doing this on their own? Because it's a lot to try to figure out on your own without that extra support.
speaker-1 (46:28)
Yeah, thanks, Landy. You don't have to do this on your own. I can support you in this and I've been doing this work for a really long time and I have a membership called the Pleasure Posse. It is really everything that we talked about today. I've packaged into the membership into the Pleasure Posse community and inside we have I have all the material that we covered today, but it's very bite size so you can consume it.
on your own time, at your own pace. We also do bi-weekly live coaching calls. So I'm there live to support you and what's going well, what feels hard, ⁓ anything that you want. Nothing is taboo, nothing is off the table. I love that. Yes. So Landy, I'll give you a link to the Pleasure Posse and I would love everybody to like jump in and just like check it out. There's no contracts.
So you can cancel anytime if you just want to try it for a month and then you want to leave that's okay, too.
speaker-0 (47:31)
that because it is, it's number one, getting support from you, which I think is huge just to have that knowledge and the voice of reason and what we deserve and how we can ask and the support and understanding what's going on with our bodies, but also the community aspect that you're not just doing it on an island by yourself.
that there are other women in exactly the same situation that have exactly the same partner responses and being able to see, ⁓ okay, this is something that we can work through. We can see other successes. We can understand different ways and feel that support as a community, I think is really huge.
speaker-1 (48:14)
Yes, and I try my best to make this a very safe container. It's very respectful. And also, if you want to be really involved and like talk to me and ask questions, you can. But if you don't want to do that and you just want to kind of consume and like watch recordings, you can do that too. So you get to participate however you want.
speaker-0 (48:38)
which is so perfect for this topic and being able to where your comfort zone is, where your boundaries are, what you need and being able to support in the way that you need it. absolutely.
speaker-1 (48:49)
Thanks, Landy.
speaker-0 (48:51)
Oh my goodness. Thank you so much. I really appreciate you kind of bringing this to light and being a safe space. And I love that you said in the membership, there's no taboo. Nothing's, you know, off the table because where else are we going to get a conversation like that where we can show up in a space and have like, okay, we can go anywhere you want to go. Nothing's off the table. We can talk about all the taboo stuff because even as young people,
I don't think we had a space where we can really open up and talk about all of the issues in a honest, supportive way. So yeah, so much for creating that space for women.
speaker-1 (49:24)
open
you're so welcome and thank you for having me on and allowing me to like get these messages out there to all of these awesome women. I really appreciate it.
Landy Peek (49:40)
What an incredible conversation. If sex has felt confusing, heavy, or quietly disappointing, I want you to know you're not alone. And you're not the only one who has wondered, is this just how it is now? It doesn't have to be. What I hope you're taking from this conversation is that wanting safety, wanting time, wanting touch that isn't leading somewhere, that's not being high maintenance.
That's being human. And when you start to honor what actually feels good to you, sex shifts, connection shifts, and honestly, the whole dynamic of your relationship shifts. If you want more support around intimacy, specifically Sky Blue's membership, The Pleasure Posse, the link is down in the show notes. She creates such a grounded, no shame space to keep this conversation going. And if you're realizing that by the end of the day,
You are just depleted that your body has been on all day long, that it's hard to switch gears, that you're snappier than you want to be. That's exactly why I created Stress Rewritten. because our nervous systems are what are driving our stress response, our ability to relax and enjoy pleasure, sex
And a nervous system that never fully powers down is a nervous system that doesn't allow you to enjoy sex the way you want. So stress rewritten is a private audio experience and you can listen to it on your own time. No homework, no logging in, no trying harder, just something that helps your body stop racing in the moment so connection can actually feel possible again. If you're struggling with sex, I think.
nervous system, and talking about intimacy and more support in the pleasure posse, stress rewritten in the pleasure posse go hand in hand. The link is down in the show notes. And I want to say I'm so glad that you showed up today, that you pressed play, that you did something good for you and not just for you, but for your relationship. Because you taking that time honoring what your needs are is what's going to change your life. I'm grateful that you're here, that you're listening.
And I'm just so grateful that you are part of my life. I want to wish you all the happiness that today can bring. And I'll talk to you on the next episode.
Speaker 2 (52:09)
Hey, before you go, just a little bit of legal. This podcast is designed for educational purposes only. It is not to replace any expert advice from your doctors, therapists, coaches, or any other professional that you would work with. It's just a chat with a friend, me, where we get curious about ideas, thoughts, and things that are going on in our lives.
As we're talking about friends, if you know someone who would benefit from a conversation today, please share because I think the more that we open up these conversations, the more benefit we all get. So until next time, give yourself a big hug from me and stay curious because that's the fun in this world.
