Landy Peek (00:35)
If you've ever felt like you've built a good life, but are wondering why you still feel depleted, overreactive, or disconnected from yourself, this episode is just for you. Welcome back to the Landy Peak Podcast. This is Landy Peak, and today I'm joined by Cheryl Dillon, a life coach who works with women in midlife who are ready to stop living on autopilot and start building a relationship with themselves.
that actually feels supportive, becoming your own best friend. Cheryl brings a grounded no-nonsense perspective to personal growth, one that focuses less on fixing yourself and more on noticing the subtle ways that you talk to yourself, make choices and give your power away without realizing it. In this conversation, we talk about why the relationship you have with yourself sets the tone for everything else.
phrases like I have to and I should quietly drain your energy, and the link between people pleasing and chronic stress, and how tiny language shifts can change how you feel fast. If you're craving more clarity, more ease, and more you in this stage of life, you're gonna get a lot from this episode.
Speaker 1 (01:54)
I am so thrilled to welcome Cheryl Dillon to the Landy Peak Podcast. Cheryl, can you tell a little bit about yourself so the audience can get to know you?
Speaker 2 (02:03)
Well, thank you for having me. I'm so happy to be here. I'm Cheryl Dillon. I'm a life coach and I am a woman in midlife who is originally from New Jersey. I grew up there. I lived in Chicago for five years. out in California now. And for the past 15 years, I've been working with my husband and partner, Joe, in our primary business, Equitable Mediation, where I've served as a divorce coach.
helping couples go through pretty significantly stressful and monumental event in their lives and do so without blowing up the bank accounts and destroying the kids and all of that. So it's been gratifying, but I feel like at this point in life, I've just been having a pull towards something more joyful, ⁓ something that is more
personally fulfilling for me where I am in my life. I still serve as a divorce coach in that business, but I've luckily been able to automate so much of our internal processes that my time is most dedicated now to coaching. And then in the freed up time, I've started this new venture ⁓ to really help myself and other women in midlife make these years joyful.
vibrant and really our own living authentically and ⁓ just anything's possible.
Speaker 1 (03:40)
Right? I think you're speaking the language of, know me, but so many of our listeners who are in this midlife space and we're finding we've built an incredible life and we want more of us and we want more joy and we want more freedom to just be who we really are and not necessarily the molds that we grew up in. Things that I was so excited about you.
Speaker 2 (04:04)
Yes.
Speaker 1 (04:08)
is how you're really helping us tune into ourselves and being our own best friend. Can you share a little bit about what you mean?
Speaker 2 (04:18)
Yeah, absolutely. You my belief is this is the most important relationship you have is the one with yourself. And really how you're showing up attracts other kinds of people to you, other kinds of opportunities to you. It's really ⁓ the foundation for happiness in my opinion. And a lot of times when things aren't going our way, it's very easy for us to blame.
somebody else or some other circumstance, know, our boss did this or, you know, somebody did something to us and it's blame. ⁓ But really this year I've been doing a lot of soul searching and asking myself why I don't have certain things in my life that I've wanted forever. And just to kind of put a caveat there, I have a wonderful husband, have ⁓ a wonderful life, you know, I'm blessed.
So it's not about, that's not good. There are some other things that I really always wanted such as a circle of wonderful supportive women friends. I've had a good friend here, a good friend there, but I've always wanted a big group of women friends who don't cut each other down, who celebrate each other, support each other, have silly fun with each other.
I've never really had it. And I always thought it was because I always met just these horrible women. And, but that's partly true, but also it was because I was being a horrible woman to myself. so really how I was showing up, I was attracting those same kinds of people back to myself. So any insecurities I had, I would find women who were also insecure and they would mirror that back or any jealousy that I had.
Speaker 1 (05:51)
You
Speaker 2 (06:15)
for what other people had, know, comparison, I would attract women who would compete with me. And so, you know, it took a lot of bravery to recognize I'm responsible for a lot of this, but it really comes back to being your own best friend. And I feel like when you're your own best friend, you actually don't care so much about finding other people to fill things that are missing for you.
you feel completely comfortable in your own skin. And when you do, it is natural that all these other people and relationships and opportunities will also be attracted back to you. So it's kind of a lot of what you put out is what you get back and it all starts with you, how you treat yourself.
Speaker 1 (07:05)
And it's incredible in, and I have been somebody that has played the blame game, have had a similar journey, really turning in, taking that radical responsibility is I am making choices that I might not like that rock in the hard place of I don't like the other options. So I see it as it's all their fault while I'm still making that choice to be in that relationship, to ⁓ be in that.
So the example that's coming up in my life is I really blamed my husband for the place that we used to live in and it was his job that brought us here. You we had to wait till his job moved and it was creating a lot of tension in our relationship, real anger inside myself and looking at, wait, I'm choosing to be here. And the other options that I had, I didn't want to take. I could divorce, I could move.
I could, you know, do a lot of things that I was like, no, I don't see that as an option because it's not what I wanted to do. But when it came to a space of, that is an option I'm choosing not to do. I'm choosing to stay in this relationship in this town because I want to be in this relationship. Then I felt like I had power and control. And it's like, ⁓ OK, so we can stop the blaming him game and look at what
can we do to get us to shift and move? And that was the pivotal point that allowed us to move because instead of having this disgruntled, passive aggressive relationship with him around his job, it was, okay, I'm really unhappy. And what else can we create? And we looked at a lot of different options, but it allowed a conversation that allowed us to move. It is really key when we're looking at how are we making ourselves
Speaker 2 (08:55)
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (09:00)
happy? How are, what's the relationship with ourselves? And it's really, really easy to turn to the outside world and say like, it's this and it's this and it's this, but really it's me and it's me choosing not to be happy because I'm not owning what I can do and what I want to do in life.
Speaker 2 (09:21)
Yes. And also some of it is, you're not doing anything wrong necessarily. You're not aware that the choices you're making are bringing certain people and situations to you. And sometimes, you know, I find the reason that you're not aware is because you're just going around on autopilot and you're really not tuned in to yourself.
and you're not centered, you're not able, like what I say is you're not able to hear yourself think. If you're going in a million directions, it's difficult to sort of like slow down and listen to your inner voice, your intuition. ⁓ Sometimes it could be you're not getting enough sleep, so you're cranky or you're not eating right or you're skipping meals, you're hungry, so you're cranky. It might mean that
you it's been forever since you've just laughed, like just had ridiculous silly fun where that lifts you back up. So I feel like if there are parts of your, you know, mind, body, spirit, if there are parts of your life that are neglected or drained or you're not tuned into, or you're not feeding and nourishing those parts, you're just not going to be at your best. And that's when you're just going to continue to be in that cycle.
of blaming and being angry or being just like depressed, know, whatever you're feeling. So it's important to just always be checking in with yourself to have that balance.
Speaker 1 (10:54)
Yes. I love really looking at, I mean, a big thing in what I share in my programs as in my own life and with my kids is becoming curious about what's going on in life and about you, the stories that we're saying, because a lot of what, and I was bought into this story of I didn't have a choice or control because we had to move with my husband's job. Yeah. That was the story that I had created.
Speaker 2 (11:24)
We have to.
Speaker 1 (11:25)
We have to. And when we sat down and looked at it, it's like, okay, well, if we can find a different job for him, he wanted to be on this career path, but that was just kind of him on autopilot as well. And so we're waiting for the promotion to be able to shift and all of that. And so looking at, well, he could start looking for different jobs. I could look for a different job.
He takes something different. He becomes primary parent. I work in a big way. So it opened up the door to seeing that there's other opportunities. The really interesting thing I really found about the brain is our brain only gives us certain options. And so when we're looking at, have a...
couple of options that the brains get giving us. And that's why when you do something and someone's like, well, why didn't you do that? And you're like, cause I never thought about that. Literally happened yesterday. I was talking to somebody and I record the podcast in zoom and then I edit it in a different program. And she's like, why don't you record it in that program? And I'm like, my brain never gave me that option. I never thought, oh, that would be easy. I could record it in Riverside instead of zoom.
So I will be transitioning that over as I figure it out. But again, my brain never gave me the option. And when our brains only give us certain options, we need different experiences. We need that curiosity to see more. And when our systems are really heightened and we're in that fight or flight, and most women are living in that fight or flight, go, I'm on alert. We're having a narrower focus. When we feel safer in our systems, in our bodies, in our environments,
Speaker 2 (13:01)
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (13:09)
then things open up and that's where creativity and curiosity can come in. And there is no blame game. We're doing nothing wrong. Our systems are protecting us by giving us this narrow focus. This is what I have to do. Shifting back to, okay, these are my other options and looking around and seeing it.
Speaker 2 (13:24)
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (13:31)
And I think you're right. The key is becoming our own best friend because we have to have that nourishing relationship with ourselves to be able to step back and see. Yeah. If you went out of ourselves for most of our life. Like my daughter once asked me like, what's your favorite color mommy? And I'm like, it used to be, but like, I don't know.
I had, and I could tell you my daughter's favorite color, my son's favorite color, my husband's favorite color, their friend's favorite colors, right? I had focused all outward on everyone else and I neglected who I was. And so like that simple question of favorite color. I'm like, Oh God, I don't know. What do do? It used to be in his like, is it still? And so it's really, sometimes we just get overloaded in life and we're in survival mode of trying to make it happen.
Speaker 2 (14:25)
Yep.
Speaker 1 (14:26)
How do we shift and start tuning into ourselves and make ourselves our own best friend?
Speaker 2 (14:32)
I mean, there's so many ways, right? It's like, how much time do you have? ⁓ one thing ⁓ that I picked up on a bunch of things that you were saying, but one thing that really struck me was when you said, I have to move, must do that word. The way you speak to yourself.
So, right, I'm sure you can relate. There's this cycle. You have these thoughts. So the thoughts you put in your head cause you to have certain emotions. When you have certain emotions, you're gonna make certain choices or take certain actions or not take certain actions. As a result of that, you're gonna have certain thoughts. So it's just a cycle. And if you can...
And I always feel like it starts with your thoughts and what you say to yourself, both outwardly and that inner voice. And everybody's got an inner voice and it's pretty critical. And the inner voice is usually telling you you're not something enough. in coaching school, we called it the gremlin. And there's all kinds of different names for it, but the gremlin, it's fear and it's trying to protect you.
Right? Trying to keep you from being rejected or hurt or failing at something or being disappointed. So you're hearing this voice. It's usually very critical, judgmental and really mean. Sometimes that voice comes from like early childhood. It's conditioning. comes from, it could come from something you put meaning on that wasn't even that meaning. It doesn't make a difference.
You put meaning on something and it became important for you, something that you, that's you know, that's loud for you. Maybe when you were little, I don't know, your mother said something like, you look a little chubby in, in, that dress or I don't know, something. Maybe it wasn't even meant to be critical. It was just some passing comment. But if you put meaning on it now, your inner voice might always be telling you how fat you are and how ugly you are and how you look terrible.
And it gets louder and louder if you have other experiences in life that kind of reinforce that. And basically you're looking for those experiences by the way, to keep reinforcing it, which is a whole different conversation. If you can catch the awareness of what your inner voice is saying and you can shift those words. So it always is awareness first, then you can make a shift. Whether that shift is automatic,
whether it's mechanical, you have to practice it forever. Whether, you know, it does get a little bit easier once you're kind of in tune to it, but it's changing those actual words that go into your head. ⁓ I have to is another thing I heard you say, have to, for me it should. That ⁓ was a big word for me all through life. And that started in family of origin.
Yes. should equals bad. Whatever you're doing, you should be doing something else. So whatever you're doing is bad or wrong, right? And, ⁓ and when you said, Landy, about not knowing what your favorite color is, that's kind of like a part of it because the shoulds sometimes prevent you from figuring out who you even are being yourself, because you're always trying to choose the answer that someone else might.
⁓ want you to choose or, you know, where you're going to get love or appreciation if you choose the right answer. But should, have to, need, I need to do this. All these words, they're very disempowering. A lot of women, when they start to talk, they apologize right away. It's the beginning of the sentence. I'm sorry. And then they go into what they're going to say. That's really disempowering. There's nothing to apologize for. You're allowed to take up space.
And so these little shifts changing from have to, to choose to. I should, I will, or I intend to. These are more empowering words and they might seem like no great big deal, but they have really big benefits. so that's the outward words, have to, need, should, the inner words.
Speaker 1 (18:51)
.
Speaker 2 (19:13)
It's the criticism and the judgment and, you're so stupid or, ⁓ you made the wrong choice or you're a failure. You're fat. All the things. We're so mean to ourselves. We really are. We're so freaking mean. And it's like, we would never say that to our daughter. We would never say that to our best friend, but yet we just let it rip. When it comes to ourselves, we're just really terrible. So it's giving yourself some compassion.
By the way, it's not beating yourself up once you catch yourself saying a mean thing, because then that just keeps going. It's just a shift. I'm doing the best I can. I made the best choice with the information in front of me. Every day is an opportunity for me to grow. It's these encouraging words that you would say to anyone you love, that you start to say them to yourself, and your whole world opens.
ability to tune in with yourself and be yourself and feel happier, that's all part of it. So I know that was a long answer, but I hope it was useful.
Speaker 1 (20:22)
amazing. ⁓ And I think as we tune into those words and the stories that are tied to them, right, because I have to release that narrow focus. I'm tied to this and I need to, I should, and my gosh, the shoulds that come out and how we've tied a story around, I should do this because this will happen or because people will think,
I really struggled with my kiddos being late for school. Like tardiness was not an okay thing in my family. You were always early. And so like that push, and I remember just in this space of like, it's a constant battle. I am so stressed. The more stressed and yelling that I get, the more stressed, especially my daughter gets and she shuts down. And so then we're not moving at all. So then I'm getting bigger. And I...
Speaker 2 (21:16)
And then you're more late.
Speaker 1 (21:18)
Yes, the story. so it was being able to step back and listening to what I'm saying and finding in the stories, but realizing being late was all about showing that I was a good mom. So if I was late, if my kids were late for school, it equaled I was a bad mom. And so once I could pull that out and say, okay, one of the things I talk to my clients about and I use it myself, it's like,
Whose voice is that when we're hearing stories and you're like, ⁓ I can hear my mom's voice in that pushing of like, have to, and she probably had her own stories about being late and pulling in. And so it's like, okay, so that's my mom's belief that we can't be late. So if we're late, what happens? Well, we have to go in a different door than they typically go in, because we have to go in and check in the office. And that's it. There's nothing else.
It doesn't mean a bad mom. It doesn't mean anything. It means that we had a rough morning and we were late. And when I could shift into being kinder to myself, giving myself that support and love around, and I had to do a lot of talking with me, I'm okay if we're late. Nothing's gonna happen if we're late. There's safety in like, ⁓ my gosh, if we're late, this is not a safe scenario.
It really had nothing to do with my kids. It was everything around once I could settle myself and be kind to myself and supportive of myself and I'm okay if we're late. All of that rush and push turned off, which allowed me to be calmer and more present with my kiddos, which allowed my daughter and my son to have better mornings, which allowed them to actually move through the cycle to get ready for school because we're not stressed and crying. And we haven't been late since.
And it's not an issue. It really is. It's not a struggle, I think into that compassion around yourself and around the inner stories that are going on is so key. And I'm so grateful you're highlighting it because those, like the needs that have to, I can't be late, like write all of those really hard words. And it's, it's those little words that we're thinking of. They don't mean much.
But those are the words that are kind of binding us in the story.
Speaker 2 (23:45)
And I love what you said about whose words are these? Whose message is this? Because that's true. It's like we have this conditioning and there are certain beliefs. We live our life by these beliefs. Whose beliefs are they? So when something is not working in your life, again, to have the awareness of what's going on here, obviously out of alignment.
Speaker 1 (23:57)
Yup.
Right?
Speaker 2 (24:12)
with my values or my integrity or something is no longer serving me. And then it's to get curious, like you said, whose belief is this? And if it isn't yours, you get to let it go. If it used to be yours and it isn't anymore, it doesn't serve you anymore, you still can let it go. You can always replace it with something else. And it just reminds me of, it's like you ever hear that there's no,
something like no fun until the work is done. You know, it's like, I don't know where I've heard that from. It's like one of those things from like, I don't know, probably the seventies, you know, it just, yeah, no work till, no fun until the work is done. So that's your belief and you grew up with that and you grew up in a house or with teachers or, you know, religious leaders or whoever conditioned you to have that belief, then you're going to be an adult.
and you're gonna just always have something else on your to-do list before you can get yourself away from your chair and go have some fun because you're always just gonna be hearing no fun till the work is done and the work never ends. And so you get to change that belief and be like, screw this. The work will always be here when I get back. If there's something that's absolutely urgent like paying the mortgage on time or something like that, okay, but.
Speaker 1 (25:28)
Yes!
Speaker 2 (25:38)
If I go have some fun, so again, you change the belief. If you have fun first, the work is easier. And it, know, maybe there's less of it or you do it faster or dot, dot, dot. So it's really just a matter of catching the belief. Whose belief is it? Is this serving me? And if it isn't letting it go, we're changing it to something that does better serve you. Yes.
Speaker 1 (26:06)
I love the changing it, because I've heard a lot of people say, it go, which is really hard because it's deeply ingrained, especially if you've heard the same thing from when you're a kiddo and it almost becomes part of your inner identity I literally heard this over the weekend in that my family had said, somebody in my family had said that,
our family raises strong girls. And so part of that inner identity to be one of the family is to be a strong girl or strong woman, which means in my family, you don't accept help. You do it on your own. You pull up those bootstraps and you make it happen. Not necessarily serving me. And it's totally a mindset I've had for my entire life, but it doesn't serve me because
Speaker 2 (26:48)
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (26:56)
I am the person that will carry in all of the groceries and my husband will say, can I help? I'm like, nope, I've got it all. And it was like, you look ridiculous there. Let me help. Learn to receive help because there's those inner stories of like, this is what we are and this is the priding of like who we are as a family. And we hear a lot of those inner stories of, know,
Speaker 2 (27:10)
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (27:25)
the so-and-so family, we're always this, right? Or money doesn't grow on trees. So we get really like restrictive and worried about money because we hear that it's not abundant, that, you know, it's not going to just be there for us. And all these inner stories that, you know, we've heard and we share aren't necessarily bad, but it is something to be curious and aware of. And I love how you tie in
Is it serving you? Because we can have these stories that they're okay. And they're not impacting us in our life. They're not a disservice. But when we get Q into, it serving me? Like, A, I get to choose. Does this align with who I want to be? Is it serving me? And if it's not, I love the let's flip the script. Let's change that story. Because I think sometimes it's easier to change the story than just to kind of let it go.
Speaker 2 (28:22)
Yeah, definitely. Especially if it's something that you grew up with and the ones that you just described, you the money doesn't grow on trees or the no fun until the work is done. ⁓ Those are limiting beliefs, right? And actually those are the easiest ones to flip. The gremlin and the inner critic and all that, that's a whole different story. But these, you know, in the pantheon of
the hold that they have over you. The limiting beliefs in my opinion are the easiest ones to catch and change. ⁓ because if you can again have the awareness of it, the next thing you ask yourself is, well, again, whose belief is that? Or how true is that really? How true is that? Because the money growing on trees, how true is that? There's plenty of money for everybody.
You know, and so it, you know, you look at these billionaires, they got plenty of money and there's plenty of people, there's enough money to go around. So if you keep yourself in that belief, money doesn't grow on trees. You're going to be gripped on to every single thing you have, right? You're going to be ⁓ probably reluctant to ever spend money. You're going to be restrictive about it. You have this belief. What you put out is what you get back. And so it's really just all about.
being more open to what you're saying. There's plenty of money for everybody. This is an abundant world. And, you know, if you live it, even if you don't believe it right away, pretend you do, know, fake it till you make it. Keep saying it over and over. Keep, write it down, read it, believe it. Because there's something else. You know how people will say, ⁓ I'll believe it when I see it.
I believe it when I see it. That's not correct. If you see it, you'll believe it. So you have to have to, if you choose to ⁓ change these limiting beliefs to something that's more empowering, again, your world will open and you will feel happier, less stressed as you described, right?
which I also heard you, it's a snowball. If you're calmer, everyone around you feels better and is calmer. And then they go and they're more calmer with the people they interact. So it just, it ripples out.
Speaker 1 (31:04)
It does ripple out and it's really impressive in, and I think we've all had those situations where you've worked with a grumpy person, right? And then it's like, ah, they were just so nasty or grumpy or your kid yelled at you or your partner yelled at you or, you know, your cashier somewhere and, you know, they were grumpy. And then you take away that grumpy and it's just like, oh, then it spreads to the next person.
And then it, it's like, you can have this ripple effect you have no idea about with strangers. ⁓ we feel because of that interaction and it flips, right? And we don't always think about the flip side because we don't always notice it. You have the interaction with that fun, smiley laughing person. And it could be the barista. They got your coffee in the morning and it just left you in a good feeling and you leave smiling.
Speaker 2 (31:37)
Yep.
Speaker 1 (31:56)
And then the next interaction, you're smiling and laughing and that person leaves that interaction. And so we're really powerful in all of these interactions. And as we kind of shift and tune in, one of the things that I talk a lot about is becoming the thermostat instead of the thermometer so that we're setting our own stage and we're not as impacted by what's going on. So if my kiddo is having a complete meltdown, which happens,
I'm not getting sucked into that meltdown. My energy and my emotions aren't tinked because they're having a rough time. And because I'm a thermostat, I'm setting the stage of what I want to be. It doesn't mean I'm controlling him, but it does radiate out in, okay, this is a safe, okay space. He can have his feelings, but they're going to come quicker because I'm not tying in my own stories and my own emotions and my gosh. And it just escalates, right? So
It's really coming into coming back to your own best friend, setting your own stage, being your own thermostat, having that own capability of controlling. And I don't love the word controlling, of being okay with you. Because we're not always calm and that's okay. That's not human. You're not a robot.
but it is we don't need to feed off of everybody else, because that's a hard way to live when you're constantly trying to regulate everyone else in your life.
Speaker 2 (33:27)
Agreed. You know, a lot of us grew up people pleasing and you know, we would just be very aware of other people's moods and the words that other people might say. We put meaning on it. Are they mad at us? You know, did we do something wrong? You know, maybe we're trying to appease them, know, tap dance for them to make them less upset so that we
don't have to be there with the conflict or we don't think it's a reflection of us or whatever it is that's going on. It's very common. And I fall into that category as well. People pleaser, ⁓ you know, we're never a hundred percent, you know, fixed. It's a work in progress. You know, you go back to something, but it's good when you do it, you could catch yourself and, you know, okay, I'm a work in progress. But I did the best I could.
you know, this people pleasing, making sure everybody else is okay.
It's really ⁓ the opposite of being our own best friend,
You know, we're just so conditioned to people please. Many of us, you know, we want to make sure that nobody's mad at us or that everybody's happy. If somebody says something, we take it to mean they're disappointed in us. We feel bad. We want to make it better for them. And, know, you just get caught in this loop. And what winds up happening is you're much farther away from being your own best friend because now you're looking to other people external.
people and situations for how you feel. And if you're your own best friend, you don't need that because you already feel perfectly fine. And it's their problem. If they have some issue, know, and certainly if you love them and care about them, you want to be supportive and ask how you can help, but you don't need jerk to decide it's about me. You know, it's something that I have to do to fix. It's just, they're having.
They didn't get good sleep or they didn't eat or they had a bad day or somebody cut them off in traffic or their boss yelled at them and they're rippling it and it's coming. I'm in the space where I'm getting the energy. But I already know this doesn't have anything to do with me. This has to do with them.
Speaker 1 (35:53)
Absolutely. And it's so key. did not self identify as a people pleaser until I started doing a lot more interviews in this work. And it's like, ⁓ okay. But a lot of it becomes part of who you are and we're praised for it. We're praised, especially as women and girls to anticipate people's needs. We're praised for being the peacekeeper, for being the one that, you know, makes everybody and welcomes everybody in. And those are good.
We want to be somebody that is warm and welcoming. But when we're doing it at the sacrifice of ourselves, that's when we have an issue. And I hadn't realized in myself how much I was tuning into making sure everybody else was having a good time. I remember going to a play with my family and I'm like making sure my husband's having a good time and my kids are having a good time. I'm expending a ton of energy.
like tuning in, making sure they see the best spots. And I'm like, I'm missing the show.
Speaker 2 (36:55)
You're not having a good time.
Speaker 1 (36:57)
It's like, I'm worried about, and all the people around us, cause we've got kids, you know, are they okay? Is my son, you know, bonking somebody's seat with his feet. And it's like, wow, I am missing this entire thing because I am so worried about everyone else. And I wasn't seeing that as people pleasing, but I was seeing, I mean, it's a survival tactic, right? It was something that I learned as a kid that made things okay. And so when we're tuning in and a lot of us have done that.
Right? We have authority figures in our life that if we please the teacher, then we do better. Right? And if we please our parents, then we might get more or less punishment. Right? So, ⁓ more things, less punishment, make that clear. But we want, you know, this is something that's so ingrained and it's something that we might not be aware of. And it really is just bringing back to that curiosity in.
being aware of the patterns, being aware of what we're saying and tuning into, again, compassion and support with ourselves, right? We're not overhauling and flipping the script on everything in our lives. We're saying, this is a pattern I seek. Does it serve me? Is it something I wanna change?
Speaker 2 (38:12)
And by the way, I bet most of the time all the people you're trying to make sure they're all okay could care less. You're fine.
Speaker 1 (38:23)
They're fine. Absolutely. They're fine. Yes, 100%. And that's what I get. No, I'm fine. We're OK. It's like, are you OK?
Speaker 2 (38:30)
Like, mom, leave me alone. We're fine. Yeah, definitely.
Speaker 1 (38:32)
There is definitely some of that.
But it's that overcompensation and having to be aware of that pattern and then shift it. And it's like, oh, wait, I can enjoy the show. I can enjoy the experience and they're going to have their own journey and experience and that's okay. As we come to a close, this has been such a phenomenal conversation. Is there anything else that you want to share or highlight for the listener?
Speaker 2 (39:01)
I would say, you know, if the listeners are on their own journey of becoming their own best friends, not to be harsh with themselves, just start really small. It's like, if you haven't worked out in 10 years, you're not gonna make a New Year's resolution that you're gonna go to the gym seven days a week. Everybody knows you're gonna fail.
That's not gonna happen. It's not gonna last very long. It's better to start with something that is so, so small and so no brainer doable. Like...
I'm just now going to start to be aware of when I apologize in the beginning of my sentences. That's it. And it doesn't even necessarily mean that right that very minute, you have to change what you're saying. That would be great. But if all it's gonna be the baby step, it's awareness. I'm just gonna start to now notice how often I say that. Just witness yourself. Don't fix yourself. You're not broken.
Just witness curiosity. Huh, I really say that a lot.
I intend to say that less frequently. Don't go to, I'll never say it. You know, if I, if I noticed that I say it in the beginning of every sentence, my intention is to say it one less time. Yes. You know, or when I have the awareness that I do it, I'm going to shift and I'm going to start the sentence again without those couple of words. Or I have a client
and she puts a little pebble in a vase every time she catches herself as the awareness and she starts to see the pebbles accumulate, but it also helps her track her progress. it's really just, again, don't be self-defeating by beating yourself up when you have the awareness of how often you're talking to yourself poorly. Just be curious, be nice to yourself, treat yourself the way you would treat somebody you really love.
as you're getting that muscle and you're seeing how it's noticeably changing your energy and how you feel and your joy, add more. And that's it. Don't blow it up by being hard on yourself that you're still doing it. We're all human. It's just, think the first step is being aware and then just taking one little baby step at a time towards
the new way you want to be.
Speaker 1 (41:45)
Yes, I have a friend, Jen Jones Donatelli, and she teaches people to just wave their hand. And so it's like, it's there, but it's not coming out of my mouth. And it's this love shift of like, okay, it's not completely gone. But like when we have those little disclaimers, when we have the things that we wanna take out to do just a little wave of your hand, it's like, it's there. But I'm consciously not letting it come out of my mouth. And...
is such a beautiful shift. And I love how it's one less time. We're not saying never,
We're not setting ourselves up to fail. We're setting realistic expectations of, okay, now I'm aware of it. Maybe I can pause before I say it. Maybe I can say it, but then shift that sentence. I love how you said you paused and then redid the sentence because that lays that new neural pathway in our brain of like,
Okay, this is a different option, right? That I can do. And it's such a beautiful way that we can have compassion with ourselves, really get curious about how we're talking to ourselves and what we're saying. And sometimes it's the littlest words like have that are making the biggest impact. And so when we can come with compassion and be friends to ourselves, then it's a huge shift. It's those micro moments that make the biggest shifts in our lives.
Speaker 2 (43:07)
Yeah, agreed.
Speaker 1 (43:09)
This has been such a phenomenal conversation. I know that there are people who are resonating so deeply with what you have been sharing. How can people continue the conversation with you?
Speaker 2 (43:23)
If the people are in coastal North County, San Diego, and would like more of this in person, ⁓ it would be to visit my website and check out my Connected Hearts membership community. If there are people outside of that geography, I write a free newsletter once a week, it's called The Uplift. And in it, I share personal stories, mostly
personal stories about myself, my own journey, but I'm always taking a coaching inspired concept and I'm saying it in English in relatable way of how it relates to this stage of life. Some reflections and some action steps to start addressing it. Things that I've done, things that clients have done to overcome and work past some of these challenges.
It's the Uplift newsletter and they can subscribe. Right on my website there's a big button, get the uplift. It's free and it goes out every Thursday.
Speaker 1 (44:29)
I love that. And I will have all of the links down in the show notes. So it's easy access. If you want to sign up for the uplift newsletter and continue the conversation with Cheryl. Cheryl, thank you so much for being here. This has just been fabulous.
Speaker 2 (44:43)
Thank you, Landy. Thank you for having me. I've enjoyed it very much as well.
Landy Peek (44:48)
As you finish this episode, here's what I invite you to take with you. You don't need a full life overhaul. A little awareness and one small shift can make a huge difference in how you're feeling in your life and how you're showing up. This week, I invite you to listen for your own language.
Notice the have-tos, the shoulds, the automatic apologies. And just once, I invite you to try something different. Maybe saying, choose to, or I intend to, or hold on, let me say that again. Those micro moments are where your power comes back. If you wanna keep going with this, especially if stress has been running the show lately,
I built something just for you. It's called Stress Rewritten. It's a private audio experience that helps you change what happens in real time when stress hits. So you're less reactive, more steady, and you don't keep paying for one hard moment in your day with the rest of your day. Inside, you'll get subconscious guided audios that shift the story underneath your stress response.
just by listening. Rapid nervous system resets that you can use in real moments without thought. And letters that speak directly to the parts of you that take over under pressure so you can respond in a completely different way. You can find the link down in the show notes to sign up for the wait list. And if you want to connect with Cheryl, I'll also have her links down there.
Join her connected hearts community if you're local with her and her free weekly newsletter, The Uplift. I truly wanna thank you for being here, for doing something incredible for you and taking this time out of your busy life. I am so grateful that you're in my life and that you're listening and showing up.
wish you the most happiness that today can bring and
I will talk to you on the next episode.
Speaker 2 (46:58)
Hey, before you go, just a little bit of legal. This podcast is designed for educational purposes only. It is not to replace any expert advice from your doctors, therapists, coaches, or any other professional that you would work with. It's just a chat with a friend, me, where we get curious about ideas, thoughts, and things that are going on in our lives.
As we're talking about friends, if you know someone who would benefit from a conversation today, please share because I think the more that we open up these conversations, the more benefit we all get. So until next time, give yourself a big hug from me and stay curious because that's the fun in this world.
