Landy Peek (00:35)
If you've ever walked away from a conversation replaying what you said over and over, wondering if you upset someone,
or you say yes and every part of your body is saying no, then this episode is for you. Hi, I'm Landi Peek and this is the Landi Peek podcast. Today we're talking directly to the people pleasers, the good girls, the chronic conflict avoiders who are so good at taking care of everyone else that you're slowly, quietly slipping off your own list. I know, I'm a recovering people pleaser. And what I learned in
my journey around being a people pleaser is that it's not a bad thing, that it's something that we learned, and it's something that we can change. And while I didn't self-identify myself as a people pleaser at first, as I listened and explored what it actually is, I started raising my hand. So today we're gonna explore what people pleasing really is beneath the surface.
We're gonna talk about why saying yes when you really mean no is a form of self abandonment and how to start loving yourself back to life without burning your whole world down. I'm thrilled to welcome back our very first returning guest, Christy Holt. She's the happiness hussy and...
She helps women build the most important relationship of their entire lives, the one with themselves. Christie has a gift for naming what so many women experience and giving the words you didn't even know you needed. I am so excited for you to hear this conversation. Let's dive in.
Speaker 2 (02:21)
I am so excited to welcome Christy Holt back to the Landy Peak podcast. She is our first returning guest, which is really exciting. And Christy, will you share a little bit about yourself so the audience can get to know you?
Speaker 1 (02:38)
Absolutely. Thank you so much Landi for inviting me back. First of all, what an honor to be the first return guest. I feel very special. So thank you for that little boost today. I'm Christy. I call myself the happiness hussy because I'm on a mission to bring happiness, spread happiness all across the planet. And I am here to help women love themselves back to life. That is my sort of like short thing, what I like to do. And this is because the world has taught us that we're broken, but we're not.
We're not broken. You're not broken. You're human and you're deserving of love exactly as you are. So, you know what I kind of discovered through my own, my own journey, my own experiences is that, you know, and with working with other people, of course, because I hear a lot of the same things, you know, over and over from different people. What I have kind of put together is that the most important relationship that you have is the one with yourself. And so that is where my work.
comes in to help you to love yourself back to life. And of course, this is going to impact your relationships out in the world with other people as well. So that relationship with self, that is where the work begins.
Speaker 2 (03:48)
It really is. It is so incredibly powerful. And I love your little tagline of love yourself back to life because a lot of us have lost ourselves in this life. get, especially in the workforce and parenting and you're adding this middle stage where we might be caretaking parents and parenting children and doing our job and showing up and losing ourselves in the process.
Speaker 1 (04:13)
and perimenopause potentially at the
same time.
Speaker 2 (04:16)
Thank you for bringing that one up. Surprised I missed that one because it's really in my life right now. Yes, but all of these different facets and we start to put ourselves last, especially I think in this stage of our life where there's so much going on and it's so easy to go, I'll do that later. I'll, you know, get that haircut after.
I have gotten all the kids' haircuts and I've gotten all their dentist appointments and the back to school stuff and all of the things, then I'm gonna do me.
Speaker 1 (04:47)
Who's taking care of you then, right?
Speaker 2 (04:50)
And we're losing that spark. Yeah. And so that back to life is so huge because it is that little, you know, blowing on that flame so that we can really glow.
Speaker 1 (04:59)
Absolutely. And I want to outline who this conversation is kind of be kind of going to be for because it'll make sense when I finish saying this. But this conversation ultimately is for those people who struggle to say no. Right. Because they're too busy taking care of everyone else. They're busy maybe margarine themselves to care and love for everyone else. And this is honestly beautiful and amazing if I'm talking to you and you're like, my gosh, I struggle to say no when I take care of everyone else and I put myself last all the time. I see you.
Right now, I suspect if that's you that you're feeling pretty unheard, maybe unseen and unvalidated, not as loved as you think that, you know, maybe you should be your relationships are struggling. You know, maybe you're weighed down by guilt, you know, every time that you do try to assert yourself and express yourself in your own needs. Maybe you're feeling much like I did, which was somehow simultaneously not enough and too much.
which is a strange dichotomy, but there you go. It's actually kind of about like perfection, right? And so we can't reach either of those ideals. We're actually just human right in the middle. But ⁓ this, when I was in this place, it left me so exhausted and overwhelmed. like I didn't know who I was. I was wondering who am I? What am I supposed to be doing here? Like, am I too much? Am I not good enough? And how do I get to this place?
Where I feel really loved instead of feeling just deeply lonely in my relationship And you know all this to say I was that people pleaser that good girl that Conflict avoider because I wanted to keep the peace that that perfectionist that's still there. I'm sorry I sometimes leave typos in my content because I don't want to look like AI and people think I look like AI because I'm a writer and I kind of have those perfectionist tendencies. So go on blame me call me a robot. It's fine. I'm not
I'm here just writing like I would converse with a friend. um, but yeah, I, what I realized was that I had kind of lost sight of who I was amidst the performing and the masks and the trying to be who everyone else wanted me to be her or who I thought everyone else wanted me to be. Of I was kind of guessing. We kind of are when we're in that state, right? We kind of replay those patterns that seem to have worked in the past, but sometimes they stop working. Right.
Underneath all of it. I I didn't actually realize this at the time, but when I look back I can see that loneliness that that longing that Feeling like like missing missing. So I was missing myself, right? I was I was disconnected from myself. I was Unclear about who I was meant to be like if I started stripping away all those labels and those masks and all those things that I was doing
I couldn't quite figure out what was left and what was really me instead of what I was trying to do and be for everyone else. And, you know, I guess the turning point for me was sort of this moment. like, ⁓ you know, I realized that I'm the common denominator in all of my challenges, my struggles and my problems, which is can be a slippery slope into guilt and shame. And I think this might have been something we talked about in our previous episode. So.
Bear with me if I'm repeating anything here. Obviously it's important enough to bring into this conversation as well. Realizing I was the common denominator. Thankfully I didn't go down the guilt and shame route because it's very easy to do that. So, you know, no shame if no shame pun intended. Set that down though, because you don't deserve that. It's always easier to see in hindsight, right? When we're looking back and sometimes we think, like I should have known better, but
You were doing the best that you could with the resources and understanding that you had at the time that made the decision. So we're always moving forward with more information than in the past. And so what I realized there was that guilty and shame, shaming myself wasn't going to help, but I could do something differently moving forward. And that is really where my journey of self discovery kind of began because starting that relationship with myself or sort of reconnecting with that relationship with myself.
really was the catalyst and it was full of compassion and love and acceptance for myself that I changed everything around me.
Speaker 2 (09:30)
I love that, that it's the compassion and acceptance for myself that changed everything. Because I think that's something that we miss so often. didn't look at the things that we could, should do. You know, how can we go into all of our, our healing journey and our limiting beliefs and what we can, we, you know, change about ourselves and heal around the trauma and all of these things that then become big to do's that we have to cross off the list to then become the person that we want.
When instead it's really coming back to that compassion and acceptance that makes the big changes. And that, while it is hard sometimes, it's really simple in the idea that we don't have to do anything. We just need to come in and love on ourselves and accept where we are and who we are in this moment.
Speaker 1 (10:25)
Right? lot of that resistance is what creates our struggle and our pain. And so if we can lovingly, compassionately put down the resistance to what is, mean, as Byron Katie would say, arguing with reality is a pretty futile waste of time. And that's, know that's like doubling up, but I'm trying to make a point here. Right? So it's doubly futile, ⁓ to waste your energy complaining about or resisting against or shooting over circumstances that are already
in place, right? Instead, our power lies in what can I do to respond, right? And this actually ties a lot to boundaries too. And was having a conversation on Facebook, ⁓ via someone's post recently about boundaries. This is a big part of the work that I do. And so of course, her post, of course, that landed in front of me of the algorithm knows me, and her post was about boundaries. And I think that we were approaching it from a slightly different angle. And so I'm just going to share my thoughts on boundaries in case that might resonate with anyone listening.
Boundaries are not about telling someone else what they can and cannot do. Boundaries are not about dictating what the circumstances should or shouldn't be. And I think a lot of people really get wrapped into this idea that boundaries are like protective to stop the things that you don't want. And yes, while there is a little component of that usually built in, that is not the intention around boundaries, right? Boundaries are about how you will respond.
should something or someone or a circumstance happen to play out the way that you are not wanting. So it's not about trying to control the, you know, the other person or the circumstance. It's about what will you do in response to it? So, you know, for example, a lot of people might say like, I'm to set a boundary with my, my in-law that they, they can't drop by. Okay. And that's valid. Okay. I'm not saying you shouldn't.
create some sort of expectations with your family members.
Speaker 2 (12:25)
Can I pause you right there? Because I want to highlight that. I love the shift between boundary and expectation because do talk about we're setting up boundary with our in-laws that you can't just drop by willy-nilly anytime you want. But you're right. It's not a boundary. We're setting the expectation of how we're going to do this relationship. And the expectation is that you call ahead and let us know that you're coming.
Speaker 1 (12:54)
And
we
Speaker 2 (12:55)
And then we have the boundary within us of like, ⁓ this is not an okay thing to cross that expectation.
Speaker 1 (13:02)
Yeah, and so the boundary then is what are you going to do if and when they show up unannounced next time? That's the boundary, right? And maybe that's not answering the door. Assuming that you have communicated this expectation with them in advance, that would be a pretty fair response. And what you would do would be to let them know the next time that you show up at our home unannounced, we will not come to the door. That is your boundary.
Now you can have expectations all day long and usually boundaries are created for people who like to push the limits, right? So chances are you might actually have to enforce this and chances are they're not going to like it. Okay. So I know that boundaries are can be, you know, are, they're actually pivotal. They changed my life and it's not easy, right? Because
We do often fear and people pleasers, especially because we're empathetic, we're caring, we're loving, we're giving. We want to be kind and generous and helpful to people around us. And those are incredible traits. Let's actually back up just a second and talk about what pushes this wonderful giving attitude into people pleasing territory, because it's a fine line. We wanna give because we wanna give back to other people. wanna help people.
It becomes people pleasing when it comes at a cost to you. Right?
Speaker 2 (14:30)
really love that boundary or that line and I use the word boundary, but is that defining line because as you described kind of that people pleaser, we tend to look at or get that the negative parts of people pleasing kind of put on us. Oh, you're a people pleaser and that's a bad thing. it's not. I'm only highlighting that that people pleaser
is really this caring, supportive person who wants to help us. But then there's this line between this is a really good, healthy thing and we step into the... Yes.
Speaker 1 (15:08)
Overgiving,
exhaustion, burnout, which of course leads to resentment and frustration. And of course, most of the time when we're doing this, we actually have an expectation of a result. Okay. And don't come at me until I finished talking about this. You can come at me later. Okay. People pleasing. And I don't mean you, Lendi. I don't think you're going to come after me for this one, but it might ruffle someone's feathers out there. So hopefully they'll bear with us until the end of this little piece. Thanks.
People pleasing is a form of emotional manipulation. Okay. Now where people get upset is that they think the word manipulation is negative inherently. So let's make sure that we're talking about manipulating, trying to create an outcome. Think about manipulating a physical thing or trying to create something. I'm not talking about you're doing this to be an asshole. Right? I'm talking about this. You actually genuinely want an outcome for that person.
Speaker 2 (16:07)
Mm-hmm.
Speaker 1 (16:08)
but that's not up to you, right? And so we can really get stuck in this sort of this place where we're trying so hard to get someone to like us or maybe to manage their emotions, to avoid conflict, to keep the peace, all of these sort of things to get a desired outcome. Maybe someone will buy a product from us or
you know, give us a gift or you know, it can be for so many things or even just as simple as seeing you and recognizing you and being a lot of it subconsciously is an attempt to create your desired outcome. This is humans. Okay, so don't take any of that manipulation as something negative. It is just you trying to create safety, you know, and certainty in the outcome that you are hoping for. Right? So that's tricky.
Speaker 2 (17:06)
Yes, I love how you redefine the definition of manipulation because I think a lot of us have heard, they're being so manipulative and that is in a negative tone. We don't want that. But really when you're looking at manipulation and yes, people are doing it in ways that are harmful, but there are a lot of people who are manipulating, but they're doing it just like you said to create that outcome. And I have somebody in my life that is very manipulative.
not in a mean way, but in the way that you're describing where there's a lot of anxiety. And there's a lot of trying to shift and change things to predict what's going to happen so that there is that safety. And as you're describing, it's like, ⁓ that is like, because I have been struggling with how do I define this? Because when I say it's manipulative, everybody's like, ⁓ then it's so bad. It's like, well, no.
It's not out to hurt anyone else, but it is a lot of orchestrating to see and have things go their way. And so with that redefining of manipulation, it is so powerful for people to hear because it's really coming into, ⁓ okay, so we're doing this subconsciously for a lot of people because we're trying to be able to predict the outcome and our brains love predictability.
That's safety, we know what's coming. That's why change is so hard. That's why we feel like we try to change and then we take 37 steps back because it was too big and too much. When we're looking at manipulation differently, we're really looking, okay, ⁓ we're just looking to orchestrate things that feel good and safe.
Speaker 1 (18:52)
who doesn't, right? I mean, this is actually the foundation of addiction too, right? It's wanting to feel good and safe. And for some people, people who struggle with addiction, that is their means of feeling okay. And who can even blame someone for just wanting to feel okay for a period of time? I think we all want that, right? And there is a way to have that without the harmful pieces, right?
And so this is an invitation ultimately to consider where maybe your expectations are causing you some trouble. For myself, I of course have my own business. I'm an author and a podcaster and all these things. And I often find myself like any other human overwhelmed with all the things that I need to do.
And simultaneously when I catch myself, because sometimes it goes on for a bit where I'm just freaking out about it, you know, inside my head, inside my body, I'm feeling this like anxious overwhelm, just kind of like you said there, we can get really anxious when things don't go our way or, know, when we don't feel like we are good enough or can't, can't make it happen. But you know, this feeling inside of us, it can power us or it can stop us and
You're right. know, humans really like what's familiar because it feels safe because it feels certain. Now this does not mean that's the best for you. Right. Oftentimes it can be very harmful for you to stay in that. For example, perhaps you're finding yourself in an unhealthy relationship, whether it be, you know, really toxic or just a little toxic. Maybe you're finding yourself in that situation. I mean, if it's really toxic,
I beg of you to see your worth as greater than that and to work on the one thing that you can shift, which is you. Now this is something that I sort of went through in my second marriage where I got really kind of stuck in the finger pointing and the blaming because there were unhealthy patterns. And of course I don't want to be responsible for those who does. So it was his fault.
And I mean, of course it can be his fault too, right? But, but fault finding and blaming and pointing fingers is actually not going to serve you in the way that you think it does. It actually, here's something else that might upset someone because it might call them out on something they've done. And I do this with so much love because I did it too. The more time you spend focused on other people and finding other things to blame or complain about or point away from yourself, the further you are getting.
from finding what you're truly looking for because you're really looking in a place that doesn't have the answers. And the more that you tolerate because it's comfortable, it's familiar. And I don't know what it's gonna look like to be a single mom of three boys, right? Approaching 40, okay, that was me seven, years ago. And like, my gosh, like, I don't know how I'm gonna navigate this.
Speaker 2 (21:51)
Right. Yeah.
Speaker 1 (22:09)
Honestly, it was one of the scariest things that I've ever done in my whole life to decide this is not it for me. And I, kind of came in around that same moment, right? Like, Holy shit, it's me. I'm the common denominator. But there was another piece of this, this puzzle in my relationship that sort of had me thinking, how did I get here? What did I tolerate? Right. And what have I allowed?
Speaker 2 (22:39)
Yes.
Speaker 1 (22:40)
that
had kind of escalated to that point where I'm asking like, my gosh, how did I get here? I can sneak up because we can spend all this time blaming, complaining, pointing fingers, making sure it's all the other person or the circumstances fault, anything but our own, which gives us this false sense of like, it's not me, right? But then you're not doing anything. You're literally not doing anything to change anything. And I know because I've been there and it's things like,
You know, piling on the guilt, it makes you feel like you're doing something because you're feeling all kinds of things. You're feeling terrible. You're feeling like there's so much going on, but you're not actually doing anything besides feeling shitty. And so my invitation for you is to step out of that. Right. If you have trouble saying no. Listen, every no makes space for a hell yes. And you deserve all the hell yeses that you could possibly imagine in your life.
And you know, finding freedom does not come from trying to control everything around you. And I know that from personal experience again, that the more you try to control the things around you, the stronger that feeling of lack of control actually is. So it works in the opposite way that we think. And yet our brain always tells us this is the best course of action. And so if you're listening and you're like,
shit, yeah, I've done that a few times. I've gone through that cycle, repeated that loop. Here's your invitation to use some hindsight to look back at that, observe the pattern that you've been doing and intentionally choose a different response for next time. And you might have to continue to choose a different response time after time after time for a while because you might be in a rut, right? All that resentment and frustration can get your neural pathways really driven into this rut of like feeling shitty.
and trying to do the things that you've been doing even though they're not working.
Speaker 2 (24:39)
I love.
Speaker 1 (24:41)
We gotta just try something different on purpose.
Speaker 2 (24:44)
Yes, I love that. How you're really highlighting, just make a different choice. Where it doesn't have to be the best choice that is going to change everything, but a different choice is going to change the energy. Really coming in and saying, okay, I'm going to try something different. I'm going to let my in-laws know ahead of time. I need them to call or text that they're on their way. Might not even be the like,
Can you give me 24 hours notice? It might just be, can you send a text so I can put clothes on? Like, something simple that allows that different choice that allows you to stand more in your energy. And I love how you brought in every no opens the door for a hell yes. Because so many people pleasers, so many women are in this space where we're saying yes to everything.
We're saying yes to volunteering. We're saying yes to, you know, bringing, you know, whatever baked treats to your kids class. You're saying yes to, you know, all of the different projects at work. You're saying yes to things in the community. And it's great because a lot of those start because we, we feel good about doing it. And then it flips to, we feel that we are obligated to it. And that's the difference when we're saying yes, because it feels good.
we're really lighting ourselves up when we're saying yes, because we feel obligated, then it's a sticky situation, right? We do that in our relationships too. I think you were the one that had the radical responsibility where bringing in that everything is, it comes down to us. And I hadn't used that term before, but I had definitely gone through that in my own life years ago, where it's like, I was complaining about
Speaker 1 (26:21)
Yep.
Speaker 2 (26:37)
everything. And I started a complaint journal with my clients because you start to write down every time you could complain about something, you write it in a journal and then you can go back and see where are the things that I'm complaining about? What are the things that I'm complaining about the most? And then be able to start making different choices around those. And I really realized, okay, so I'm complaining. I'm doing kind of that it's all their fault. It's not my responsibility at all. I can't do
And I looked at it and I was like, Oh wait, I'm making choices here. I'm making the choice that feels the best, but that doesn't mean that I don't have a choice. So, you know, for
Speaker 1 (27:16)
familiar right
doing something different is in itself a choice, right? Even though it doesn't feel like it, I know sometimes we're like, you know, buried in the muck. It doesn't feel like we have a choice. That's your brain keeping you safe. Okay. You always have a choice, even if it's really small, even if it's really restricted by circumstances or, or whatnot, you have a choice in how you respond. And I want to share here too, also just that
Speaker 2 (27:49)
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (27:53)
You know, there's a few, the saying yes, when you say no, it's kind of, wanted to share this. Sorry, if I said that right. Saying yes, when you really mean no is actually a form of self abandonment. And so you're looking for love and acceptance and feeling seen and heard, but you're betraying yourself. This is part of the puzzle, right? And figuring out where am I shooting on myself and creating these expectations. Like I had touched on before this overwhelm that we can feel.
If I stop and pause, can realize, well, wait a minute. I'm the one that's shoulding on myself. Like I'm the one who's deciding, I need to do this, this, and this, and this. Like I don't have a, I'm not going to go to my boss. There is no boss. I'm literally the one deciding what I need to or should or have to do. And when I shift that into things that I get to do, the things that I want to do that feels so much better. And so the shoulding can be a real problem. The saying yes, when you mean no is a real drain and
can be a form of self betrayal or self abandonment, it leads to self trust issues. It leads to more mask wearing, right? Because now you've got to keep up this facade. You know, when you're living that way, you're not living in a way that is aligned or authentic. And I don't mean that you're being disingenuous by being inauthentic.
Speaker 2 (28:59)
Okay.
Speaker 1 (29:19)
I don't think that most of us do this on purpose. We do this because when we're children, and I have a whole workshop about this, good girl conditioning and people pleasing and stuff. So maybe I'll give you the link for that too. And you can pop it on there for people if they want to kind of explore the roots of this, cause we don't have time to go into all of that in this conversation, but the roots are safety and often related to childhood trauma and anyone who's, know, probably suffering from perimenopause or menopause right now.
remembers that when we were children, thank you, patriarchy. And by that, I mean, fuck you, patriarchy for creating not just problems for women. There are issues with men too. We have a loneliness epidemic and there's good reason for that, but that's for another conversation. It created this structure for women to be nice and pleasing and agreeable and soft and gentle and all these things that we're supposed to be a whole bunch of shoulding.
Right. All these expectations that women are to be the nurturers and men are to be the warriors basically is the gist of it. And so many of us women, even now we're grown ass women, which I don't know if anybody else gets to like about 40 and was like, I'm at a fuck's to give. Um, this is a great time to work on your people pleasing because when you're in this stage of letting go of the things that no longer serve you, it's a great time to free yourself from that. That's what my people pleaser reset pack is really all about.
So I definitely invite you to check that out. But we deserve freedom. We deserve to have the life experience that we want. And this does not come from being a good girl. And there's nothing wrong with being good.
on mine.
Can you hear me now? ⁓ you're froze. So maybe you?
Speaker 2 (31:14)
Okay, you're back.
Speaker 1 (31:16)
Okay. Now, what was I saying though?
Speaker 2 (31:18)
I heard you.
Speaker 1 (31:21)
⁓ my gosh, I totally lost my train of thought there. ⁓ being nice and being the good girl. Yes. Hopefully you can patch this together. So we have been conditioned since childhood to be nice, to be pleasing, to be agreeable, to do what others expect us to do. Right. And so this shows up in adulthood. We're still trying to do this because as a child, this is what we learned we need to do in order to feel and receive love.
Okay. It may not have been required, right? But the overarching message was that if you're not nice, and I don't know, like very many parents who didn't tell their kids to be good or nice ⁓ a lot, probably. First of all, nice means like pleasing and agreeable. So that's not a vibe, right? We're in our forties and fifties and whatnot now. We're like, no, we're not going to just do shit to be agreeable to someone else. We will be kind.
Right? Which is being loving to both others and ourself. Right? This is what takes us from people pleasing and why did you all these amazing, beautiful, generous, helpful things? difference is knowing where that limit is for us and building up our own abundance in the meantime, so that we can give from that abundance rather than trying to give from a lack basically, right? And giving from an empty cup or
You know, put your own oxygen mask on first. Start this relationship journey with yourself. Uncover those patterns from childhood, from teenager hood, from past relationships or other traumas that you've experienced. You don't have to do this alone, by the way. We're not meant to. It is your journey, but you're not meant to do it by yourself. That's, know, a big part of what's also missing in today. today's climate is it's very us versus them and very individualistic.
huh. I could point the blame at capitalism for that one. Definitely the system is working as intended and of course it is keeping us in that cycle. So invitation to break free. How do we break free? Well, you're to be you, right? And I always say you don't have a relationship problem. You have an identity problem. You have forgotten how freaking magical and awesome you are. And maybe other people have told you that you're not and you believe them.
lies, by the way, you are amazing and wonderful and perfectly imperfect as you are. You are like a divine being having this. like to call it messy fucking beautiful journey or experience, right? Because it's both of those things. And the more that we can actually, you know, create and hold space for conflicting ideas like that.
the more we can experience of the life that is available for us. It just opens up like such a grander spectrum. And so instead of giving just to give and to try and claw some appreciation or love or validation back, we're do that for yourself, right? From the inside out. And then you can give with no strings attached, which takes you out of people pleasing, right?
Speaker 2 (34:33)
Hmm?
Speaker 1 (34:44)
and into giving freely, which feels fucking amazing, of course.
Speaker 2 (34:49)
Yeah. And you really know it when you're giving freely and without that attachment, like no matter how they receive the gift, you're okay. But when you're giving with attachment, that's when like, know, didn't light the gift or they didn't, they weren't, you didn't thank me. They weren't appreciative enough, like all of that energy. And that tanks you, but giving them that free energy is just like, I'm giving this because I want to. And you can take it or leave it. Right. And that's such a huge energy.
Speaker 1 (35:19)
change
how I feel about myself. And that is a big piece of this, right? I think a lot of people talk about self love and they conflate it with self care. Self love is how you feel about yourself, regardless of what's going on outside. Okay. This is you validating love and accepting yourself despite any appearance of
Speaker 2 (35:28)
Hmm?
Speaker 1 (35:42)
success or non-success or struggle or non-struggle or relationship or no relationship, anything outside of yourself should not affect that relationship that you have with yourself. And I know that's easier said than done. But that's what I'm here to help you with. To love yourself back to life because this is how you change your experience of all of those things that are happening around you. Right? That's you in your power. That's you reclaiming the magic that you are. And I'm, I'm
I'm not a guru or some like magic thing. I'm not like gonna fix you. I don't think you need fixing anyways. I see healing a little different than many people. Cause I don't think, I think too much of the healing and self-improvement arenas, if you will, all of the coaching and mentoring, et cetera, included in there are keeping you on the hamster wheel. Right?
The next thing to heal, the next thing to fix, the next thing to get better and better and better and better. And that's exhausting, right? And if your people, please, are listening to this, you're probably already so tired that you don't even want to keep doing all the things. But maybe you don't know how to step off the hamster wheel. So permission. Yes. To breathe, first of all, right? To step back, to reflect, and to try on this slightly different take on healing and self-improvement.
If you will try it on, if it fits, cool. Wear it around. If it doesn't, you can leave it. Right. But what if you are already whole? What if just try the idea on, right? What if you're already whole and that there's nothing that needs fixing. Cause there's nothing that's broken. There's nothing missing from you. You have everything. There's nothing that you need. That's from outside of yourself. You are whole.
And maybe you have to imagine this and that's okay too. You can just ponder and play with the idea because if you're already whole, you don't have to strive to fix anything. You don't have to chase that next healing breakthrough. You don't have to keep trying to do something better and better and better. You can just be you. And in the same way that the overgiving leads us to that burnout because we're giving from lack.
The more you just be you, the easier things are, right? The more things flow. This is you living authentically, right? Things that feel true to you, things that feel good to you and not harmful to anyone else, not harmful to you. This is the win-win. And so instead of this endless hamster wheel, you get to just grow because of course humans are going to evolve. We're going to respond to ongoing situations and we're gonna do so.
with the understanding and the resources that we have at the time. And so give yourself grace, give yourself compassion, and just allow yourself to be because you can't help but grow, right? Putting all that pressure on it actually just makes it like a never ending sort of battle and creates more resistance and keeps you trapped. You don't want that, right? I know if you're, okay, unless you're some kind of person who really different than everyone else I've ever talked to.
Speaker 2 (38:51)
Hmm?
Speaker 1 (39:02)
You want freedom, you want peace, you want connection. You want to feel seen, so seen. You want to feel heard and like your words matter. These things that you want cannot happen if you're wearing masks and you're pretending to be someone else. And if you're over giving in an attempt to not negatively, but still manipulate a certain outcome, then there's going to be a part of you that's wondering like, but what if I didn't do this?
Like maybe they would stop liking me. Maybe things would stop being okay. And so we get sucked in, right? It's like, you know, an impossible thing to break out of once we're in it because then we're so worried that we're going to lose the person. But the truth is, the more you, you are, the more the right people for you will find their way into your life. And the more free you can be because you don't have to try so hard, right? You can just show up.
Speaker 2 (39:42)
Hmm?
Speaker 1 (39:58)
You can speak freely with the right people. And I'm not suggesting that you speak freely with everyone in your life. OK, like not everyone deserves a seat at your your close inner table. But having like that discernment and having a safe space at least one or two people. And like and I would love to be that person for you if you do not have that, like let's connect because everyone deserves to have that person where they can just be themselves 100 percent, where they know that they're not going to be.
judged or criticized or put down or any of the things that we often fear. We deserve to be seen, to be heard, to be unconditionally loved and accepted. And I believe that every single person listening to this and everyone that they know, because everyone deserves that unconditional love and acceptance because you're worthy of it just for being you. I agree.
Speaker 2 (40:53)
Absolutely. And it is so huge because as we turn into, and it is scary because it is not what we learned growing up, but there is this point in your forties where it becomes, I don't give a fuck anymore. And it really shifts everything. And you start reevaluating, but it's coming to the more that you can be you, the more that you are comfortable showing up and loving you and knowing that you are okay. No matter what's going on, you're still you and you're okay. And you love you.
the freedom baby. is freedom because you can go out in environments that are judgy and it just rolls off your back. It just doesn't matter. One of my biggest things as my daughter's a preteen that we're having conversations around is really that when someone says something about you, you learn more about them because you already know you. It's like when you're at a book club and you are reading the book
Speaker 1 (41:41)
you
Speaker 2 (41:48)
And somebody to your right is like, oh my gosh, this is the best book ever changed my life. And somebody else is like, this is the one. Like I didn't finish it. You didn't learn anything about the book. Both were judgments, but you learned about the people. And so when you have those judgments coming at you, if you were loving you, if you're in this safe space of you, you learned a lot about them and how they react to things, but we already know you. And that is such a powerful place to be.
Speaker 1 (41:54)
book ever.
See ya.
Bye now.
Speaker 2 (42:18)
percent agree we need those spaces where we are free and feel free and don't have to have things roll off our back because you just know you're fully accepted and that gives you more confidence to be you in those spaces and places that aren't as comfortable and I love that you highlighted that we really need them.
Speaker 1 (42:37)
And I want to touch on kind of what you said, because I talk about this often is that this self discovery has so many benefits because when you discover and this is I kind of phrase it. So hopefully this lands and makes sense for people where you end. Okay. What, what is part of you versus what is not you, what is not yours to carry? What is not your problems to solve? What is not your things to control?
Self-discovery helps you to differentiate and discern. This is my feeling versus the empath, right? We'll feel other people's feelings and feel it like it's their problem. And so people pleasers are often empaths, right? So this is particularly relevant there. And knowing yourself and where you end and where someone else begins gives you this sort of freedom to assess like, is this even mine? First of all,
That saves us from a whole lot of unnecessary baggage and emotional distraughtness. Let's make enough words now, but get the gist. And that's also how you start to discover what boundaries you might need with people because they're crossing into that space, right? and you know, there's exactly what you said. What they're saying is actually nothing to do with you.
It's actually a reflection of how they feel about themselves when they judge and compare themselves to you. So, and, so and, ⁓ the most incredible thing that I think that we can take on board when it comes to letting things slide off us that have nothing to do with us is that happy people see literally no reason to be critical.
Speaker 2 (44:10)
Hmm?
Speaker 1 (44:30)
hurtful or bring someone else down. They just don't successful people who have their dreams coming true, who have relationships that they like, who have, you know, meaningful aligned lives in which they can express themselves as they are. They don't judge other people. It's all judgment to self judgment. That's that's the long and the short of that. If you start judging yourself, other people might judge you, but that's not to do with you.
That's a reflection of themselves. And if they're being unkind, just think, like, just think like, man, not that I tolerate it. It's unacceptable. I don't deserve that, but it's not about me. It's about them. Right? Right. If they were happy, they would just be like right on. Right. Or if they were even neutral, they'd just scroll past. But someone who has or not say something and if they're in person, but it's really a reflection of what's going on within them.
And also this is a light to you too because what you're putting out into the world is a reflection of what's inside of you. So stepping back into that power mode, being really intentional and conscious about what you're putting out into the world, i.e. complaining and blaming again, actually just gets us more of that in our experience. Whereas if we set intentions of what it is we want to create,
Speaker 2 (45:33)
Uh-huh.
Speaker 1 (45:54)
And one of the most important early tools that I do with women when I'm working with them is to figure out what it is that you really want. Because when we don't know ourselves, ⁓ we feel a little bit lost and out of touch with our dreams, maybe. We sometimes just know what we don't want. We don't want more of this, whatever it is, you know, maybe fighting or conflict or suffering or pain or whatever it is. We know we don't want that. But the more that we think about that, the more that we experience that.
And I know it takes almost like a little bit of level of delulu to shift that away from I'm not going to think about that anymore. I'm going to visualize and focus on creating what I want. Showing up, not having to like become someone else, but being that person. Now, if I want a healthy relationship, I have to show up as the one who has a healthy relationship. Right. I have to be that person now so that I can
interact with the people who are going to click with that. We're going to align with that. We're going to be the perfect people to say, my God, like the way you are weird and everything. Strange quirks. Yeah, that's, I love it. I love it all. Like don't ever stop being you. Those are the people that you really need in your life. And so that like authentic beingness, not becoming, but just being. Yeah. your magic. Like that's, that's your magic.
Speaker 2 (47:03)
Thank
Speaker 1 (47:21)
And I use this, I have my own system called the create method. This is designed to help you tap into your magic. And it's not six steps. It's an acronym, but it's not six steps because well, life doesn't go in a neat six step pattern. So it's more of like a six pieces to the puzzle. Help you to fall back in love with yourself. It's mindset work, it's body work, it's visioning work. It's all of the pieces so that you can take
Speaker 2 (47:40)
But how?
Speaker 1 (47:51)
things that you know, you know, what's possible for you, what you've seen other other people doing that piece, that freedom, that joy, that happiness, you can take that and you can create that for yourself with intention. And that's how you create freedom. Right. And knowledge is cute. OK, knowledge is like a super cute. You can read a lot of books. You can read all the Gottman books about relationship and marriage. If you don't do anything.
I say this again with no blame or shame because that's not helpful. But if you don't implement what you've done, you just have knowledge. It's not much use. Embodiment acting as if being that person now that is where you're going to see the actual change. And I know people are like, well, I don't get the clarity. I'm not really sure about like my motivation until you don't get clarity and motivation sitting on the couch just hoping to wish it.
Clarity comes when you take the first next step. It could be very small. could be, you know, checking out this people, please your pack just to start that self assessment. Yes. If you don't, you will continue to experience more of the same. That's a natural. It's autopilot, right? It's the human way. But, you know, this is really about changing your life. Then you need to do some things a little bit differently. And I'll tell you what, the motivation does not come before you do the things it comes when you
Speaker 2 (48:57)
Thank
Speaker 1 (49:16)
keep doing the things because that's when you see the results. Like, of course you can't keep motivated if you're not seeing results, but we got to shift the motivation because it's not about the results. The motivation should be that you are being that person now, that person who has what they want. That's the motivation. And you don't have that until you start, right? You got to being you.
Speaker 2 (49:36)
Exactly. It's that motion, that action that you take that creates the momentum that then keeps you going. And you need that first action because we are really good learners and a lot of us have done well in life by learning, but actually taking the action and changing how you embody it, taking it into who you are at that identity level. That's where the magic starts happening and the momentum really starts building.
Speaker 1 (50:05)
If you want to feel different, you need to feel different, right? ⁓ I mean, it's mind blowing because it's so simple. But if you want to feel and experience things differently, you just intentionally feel and experience things differently. It's not about bypassing. It's about acknowledging. Yes, OK, that thing is disappointing. OK, yes, I'm frustrated. man, the resentment part is really present right now. And that's not who you are. That's the part.
Speaker 2 (50:10)
Let's.
Speaker 1 (50:34)
That's a small part of you who's feeling a certain way, right? But you're whole, of course. So you don't have to let that part drive the bus. You can acknowledge it. A part of me is feeling resentful or part of me is feeling sad. Part of me is feeling anxious. And this is how I'm going to choose to respond. Right. It's actually very much like boundaries. We feel like I'm saying some of the same things, but it makes sense on both levels, right? The more you just act as yourself.
Speaker 2 (51:03)
Uh-huh.
Speaker 1 (51:03)
the more joy and peace and happiness you're going to experience in your life. You just be that, right? You just intentionally cultivate things that make you feel grateful and peaceful and free and feel that as much as you can. And guess what? That will shift the lens through which you're experiencing the things around you. What'll have you seeing, because you're looking, this is how it works. When you look for something, usually you can find it. Am I right? Conspiracy theorists on the internet, you know, you can find an argument or a...
research paper to back up either side. Okay? If you look for something, you will find it. Yep. Let's have you looking in the right place. It's not out there. It's in here. And it's at that whole version of you, right? That is going to give you those feelings that you desire.
Speaker 2 (51:51)
goodness and that is such an amazing place to bring us to a close. Kristi, you are incredible.
I know there are people that want to connect with you. How can people further the conversation
Speaker 1 (52:01)
Yeah, I have resources, of course, for people pleasers. So depending where you're at in your journey and what kind of answers you're looking for, I have several resources available, including a free masterclass, including an amazing interactive chat bot for people pleasers, including the reset pack and including my signature course, Authenticity Unleashed, which just takes that boundary setting, that authentic expression to a deeper level, helping you to really create
intimate bonds through that and heal your relationships moving forward. And all of those can be found on my website at coach Christy Holt dot com or probably you can Google the happiness has see because I think that's that one lens near the top of Google. I also hang out on Facebook and of course you can find my social links and my podcast and my books and all of the things all on the website. So yeah, that's that's the one place for you to find them all.
Speaker 2 (52:58)
my gosh. Well, thank you so much for having this conversation. And I really appreciate you and you being inside the village and being back on the podcast again. It's great to talk to you.
Speaker 1 (53:09)
Thank you so much for having me. ⁓ I hope that if you got a nugget, maybe you'll let us know. Did you get a nugget out of today's conversation? One tiny thing. That's all that you need to start changing your life. So love to hear what you took away today ⁓ if something resonated.
Speaker 2 (53:25)
I love that.
Landy Peek (53:27)
If you recognized yourself in this conversation, always the one who steps up, smooths things over, says yes, because it feels easier than dealing with the fallout. I invite you to hear this. You're not broken. You're not dramatic. You're not asking for too much. You've just been trained to put yourself last. It's a learned behavior pattern. What Christy named so beautifully today is that people pleasing isn't about being too nice.
It's about over giving at your expense, hoping it will buy you love, safety or approval that you already deserve without doing a single extra thing. Your next step doesn't have to be a big dramatic move. It can be simple as saying, let me get back to you instead of the automatic yes. Setting one clear expectation with a family member
or just noticing where you feel resentful and using that as a clue that something needs to change.
And if someone came to mind while you were listening, the friend who is always fine, the one who never asked for help, but clearly needs it, please share this episode with her. A single honest conversation can be the moment she stops treating her needs like an afterthought. I wanna share how grateful I am that you are here, that you're in this community and that you are changing the world just by showing up by being you.
I love you and I like you and I wish you all the happiness that today can bring. This is Landy Peak and I'll talk to you on the next episode.
Speaker 2 (55:12)
Hey, before you go, just a little bit of legal. This podcast is designed for educational purposes only. It is not to replace any expert advice from your doctors, therapists, coaches, or any other professional that you would work with. It's just a chat with a friend, me, where we get curious about ideas, thoughts, and things that are going on in our lives.
As we're talking about friends, if you know someone who would benefit from a conversation today, please share because I think the more that we open up these conversations, the more benefit we all get. So until next time, give yourself a big hug from me and stay curious because that's the fun in this world.
