Landy Peek (00:35)
Welcome back to the Landy Peak podcast. This is your friend and host Landy and I am so excited for this episode. This was such a fun and incredible conversation. If you've ever felt like you're living the same story on repeat, always being cast as the strong one or the black sheep of the family, always the one that perhaps is holding it together or
The one who always is messing things up. This conversation is your pattern interrupt. on today's podcast, I'm joined by storyteller, filmmaker and author, Carrie West. Carrie had this breakthrough moment in film school
where she really realized that our lives are a story, we're living as characters, we have foils and plot twists, and more importantly, the chance to rewrite it. We're talking about the stories that keep us stuck and the tiny micro moments that actually change everything.
and how to shift from carrying everyone else's expectations to finally authoring your own life. This is not about doing more. It's about choosing differently, writing the script and finally giving yourself permission to belong without performing in any way, shape or form. So take a breath. this episode will remind you, you don't have to keep playing the role.
that's been handed to you, you get to choose the life that you want to.
Speaker 2 (02:17)
I am thrilled that we have Carrie West here on the Landy Peak Podcast. Carrie, welcome. Can you share a little bit about yourself?
Speaker 1 (02:25)
It'll be tough for you to keep it to a little bit. tend, I love stories and so I tend to have a lot of stories. So you may have to tell me to cut it in like one of those that'll work. ⁓ I'm a storyteller. I'm a storyteller. And as part of my journey of personal growth, I was in a lot of ⁓ mental and emotional pain, psychological pain and was
going to therapy, was going to personal growth workshops. And then I went to film school to get my master's in storytelling. And it occurred to me that my life was a story. And from that moment on, that's what I've been focusing on, the story of my life and changing it.
Speaker 2 (03:19)
Yeah, I love that. Our life is a story. I had done a podcast early on, because I tapped into something similar around our hero's journey and stepping out of your life as, yes, we're living it, but we can see it differently when we think about it in that story setting. So what was the big shift that helped you? I mean, you were in film school, but
that really helped you start seeing your life as the story. And cause we get drawn into other people's lives. We love hearing, but we disregard our own.
Speaker 1 (03:51)
Absolutely.
Yes. Well, the actual moment is we were working on one of our ⁓ thesis films and you had to do three, three, three. No, wait, the thesis film was one. This was in in the pre preliminary year. And we're sitting around as the group talking about who are the characters? What's the thing? What's the journey we're taking our hero on? What do we want them to have at the end of the story? And as I was listening to this, they, especially the character part,
Who's the antagonist? Who's the protagonist? That's the foil. That's the foil. The foil is gonna come in and act too, blah, blah, blah. And I went, my sister was my foil. She sabotaged everything. And it started to, I just started to see all these story elements in my life. The theme of survival, the theme of love conquers all, the theme of I'm happy, you know, all of those themes.
Speaker 2 (04:44)
Hmm?
Speaker 1 (04:53)
make up our story. so one of the favorite things they say in the industry is how many rewrites did you have to do before you got this script? Because they're constantly rewriting, even when you're in production, even when you're on the soundstage, even when you're off at a location, they are constantly rewriting scenes, constantly rewriting. Yes, yes. An actor will say, I don't know if that's the right line. You know, my motivations and what I'm
Why would I say that line if I'm motivated to do this? So when you observe all this, I was like, my gosh.
We do that in our lives. We are rewriting everything. And I think about at the same time I had a two year old niece and I think about how she kept rewriting the story when she'd make, when she'd do something wrong. And her mom would say, Kelly, what did you do? And she'd say, ⁓ they did it. They did it. then my sister would say, Kelly, really?
Well, then then this happened and that's why that happened. The dog ran through and knocked it all over. So she was constantly retelling the story to go with her mother. So what it really occurred to me when I started really looking at it for our own lives was when we're born, we are blank slates. We are naked, scared.
completely thrown into this spotlight after being tucked away in this warm cozy place for nine months. We're brought out into this bold light and we don't know where we are.
Speaker 2 (06:38)
Mm-hmm.
Speaker 1 (06:39)
but we walk into a play that's already well underway. Our parents have a story that they're living. The rest of the family members have a story that they're living. Extended family members have a story that they're living and we just land there. Think about if you go into a movie, have you ever been late to a movie? And you get in the audience and you're like looking around and what happened so far? Where are we in this movie? That's what you're like when you're born.
Speaker 2 (07:00)
huh, I have.
That makes so much sense.
Speaker 1 (07:11)
What happened
so far? Do mom and dad love each other? Why did they bring me here? And you're not verbal, so you can't say that. So our brains are designed to absorb all of this because the brain is designed to keep us organized and keep us functioning. So it's observing the environment to say, okay, where are we? What are we doing? it's, so all this...
Is how we start our lives is observing everything and trying to figure out what's the story Do mom and dad love each other? Do they like each other? My dad yells a lot. My mom cries a lot My mom seems to be happy all the time. My older sister hates me. That was my story You know, what is what is going on in in that family setting when you're born? What's the backstory? So it's when I just saw all of this together. It made so much sense
Speaker 2 (08:05)
It does. And you think about that as an infant, we drop into an existing story and we kind of think about it as like, ⁓ the story started with me. But as you reframe it, it's like, no, we dropped into this existing story that's already going on with everybody having their own stories. And we're starting to just watch and pick up and figure out how we are in this story.
Speaker 1 (08:31)
Yes. And if you think you can take it even further, if you're born in the United States, in a city to people that live in a, in a condo apartment or something, that's a different story than somebody who's born into the rural area and the, they're getting up at four in the morning to work in the farm or do something else. So all of this, you don't know when you first take your first breath outside of the womb. So
All of this the setting that you're born into what if you're born into a company a country that's at war what if you're born into A country that that is doing something different than us Right, and the first thing you do is you start picking up the language because language is how we know we will we belong
Even at work, even at work, you can always tell when you're talking with a group of lawyers because they have this whole language I never understand, all the hair to forth with and not with standings. You know, they have this special language. Same with doctors. They have a special language. Careers have a language. Well, our lives have a language too.
Speaker 2 (09:41)
Absolutely. And each country that we live in has a different language. Someone who has lived in multiple parts of our country, just having, I grew up in Montana and I remember very vividly, I was working in New York and I said, I was a pediatric therapist, so working with kids. And in Montana, the candy on a stick is called a sucker. But when I said that in the school district I was working at, the lady I worked with looked at me, she's like,
Speaker 1 (09:46)
Yes!
Speaker 2 (10:11)
You can't say that. We call them lollipops here. I was like, okay.
Speaker 1 (10:16)
Lollipop! Yes. Yes.
Speaker 2 (10:18)
You know, sneakers, tennis. There's so many different little words. And unless I had moved somewhere different, I never would have realized there's a different people communicate.
Speaker 1 (10:23)
Yes, yes.
That's right.
That's right. And where I grew up, we didn't call it soda. We called it pop. And when I went to college, some of my roommates were from a different part of the state and they made fun of me. It's soda. Pop. Pop. It's soda. And so I was like, my God, I did something wrong. They may it's, it's so interesting.
Speaker 2 (10:37)
Same.
Speaker 1 (10:58)
And by the way, when they did that, felt like, my God, I'll never belong here. So it just ruins your sense of belonging, which is a whole nother issue. But this contributes to the story.
It contributes to the story. also contributes to the generational stories. You know, like, like my, my parents were immigrants. Mom family was from Eastern Europe. Dad's family was from Italy. So their story was the females, their daughters path is clear. You're getting married. You're grabbing babies. The sooner the better.
Speaker 2 (11:37)
Okay.
Speaker 1 (11:38)
When I said I was going to college, they were like, uh-uh.
Yeah, you have to get married and start having babies. We can't support you the rest of your life. And I said, and I said, well, you haven't supported me this far. So I'm assuming I'm paying my own way to college anyway. So I'm just telling you that I'm moving out and I'm going to go to college. They just, they, they were so beside themselves. They, called me the black, I, they always labeled me the black sheep of the family, which for a long time held shame for me now.
It was one of the things that made me so strong in this journey. It was realizing this really important aspect of myself. So, so when you start looking at things as a story, I started to see things that I took as horrible and wrong and defining me as a terrible human being and saw that as wait a minute. I don't want to take on their stories. I'm sorry. I don't want to get married and have kids when I'm 18 years old.
Really don't.
Speaker 2 (12:39)
Right.
Speaker 1 (12:40)
But but again, because of their their stories of getting married and having kids, which was given to them, they passed it on to us. My older sister did it. I didn't and neither did my younger sister. But that's how these stories keep translating along. And then when my sister had daughters, they're all married and had kids when they were in their 20s.
Speaker 2 (13:04)
⁓ We have that generational pattern that goes on and in like
Speaker 1 (13:09)
Exactly,
exactly. And it's not bad. It's not bad. It's not bad. And everything I say here, I'm not judging it. I'm just making it awareness.
Speaker 2 (13:21)
Because it's a difference when we're aware of the story and we choose it. Then we have our blinders on and we just follow in line because that's all we can see.
Speaker 1 (13:31)
Yes. Yes. It's so my mission is let's understand the root of the decisions we've made and do we want to make a different one? You don't have to. You don't have to. There's a bunch of things I still do that my parents gave down to me and you know, that's, that's fine. You know, but they're the ones I decided to hang on to.
Speaker 2 (13:58)
And that's the key. Yes. Conscious awareness and that.
Speaker 1 (14:02)
That's it. That's it. You know, my sister is an amazing cook. My mom was an amazing cook and my sister took all of her recipes and she's an amazing cook. I can't stand cooking. Can't do it. That's OK. She loves it. Whenever she was just here for a couple of days, I just took her to the airport and it's like, what can you make while you're here? Some of mom's great pasta or some of mom's great bread. Can you make some of that? Doesn't mean.
Speaker 2 (14:24)
Right?
Speaker 1 (14:32)
You know, you have to do everything their way, but you can you can spin it into your story. See, I like to think of a story as a tapestry. And I'm going to take this thread and weave it in this way, and I'm going to take that thread. But it has to be my tapestry. It has to be my my story. My and a tapestry to me is a visual story. That's that's what. I work with people and remind them.
that you get to pick the story.
Speaker 2 (15:05)
love the visual of the tapestry because as I have thought and just kind of the awareness as it's dawning really had seen my story as linear as along this line, this happened, then this happened, then this happened, and this happened. But as you bring in the tapestry and you're talking about weaving in a thread, it's like the step back of, whoa, it isn't just this line that I've lived. There's so many different threads that I get to choose.
how it comes in.
Speaker 1 (15:37)
Yep, yep, yep. It's also a map. You know, there's all these roads and side trips and different things that come into it. You can really map out your life. And it's so much fun then. I find that personal growth then doesn't become this chore that I have to do. If I want to be happy, then I got to go to therapy for 20 years and I've got to...
do something that I have to journal every day. No you don't. No you don't.
Speaker 2 (16:13)
No, you don't.
I love how you brought up that to be happy, you don't have to do certain things. You don't have to journal every day. You don't have to go to therapy. That you get to weave in your own tapestry to create what you want in the way that you want.
Speaker 1 (16:32)
I want to empower people to take charge of their life, to become the author of their life, to become the craftsman of their life. Whatever, whatever fits for you. If you want to build the house of your life, if you want to build the, if, if crafting is your thing, become the crafter of your, the craftsman graphs person, I guess is the right word of your life.
Become the artist of your life. Become the author of your life.
Speaker 2 (17:04)
that. All of the different creative methods that it's not even just writing your own story. The tapestry, it's painting a picture, it's creating, it's crafting powerful visual that we have the power to create in the way that aligns with us, not just in the written word.
Speaker 1 (17:04)
Any.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yep. And here's another reason why it's so important to look at this tapestry analogy again.
When you because belonging is one of those very core needs we all have. We need a sense of community. We need a sense of belonging. That's lizard brain stuff because in our, in our very early evolution of beings, we needed people, we needed to be a part of a core group so we could survive. So belonging is there. It's in our DNA. It's, it's, it's a part of us. We need to belong.
But we've taken it to this extreme that we think the only way we can belong really is to become them. I used to try to be a chameleon because I thought the only way I'd be liked and accepted is if I liked what you liked, if I dressed the way you liked, if I spoke the way you like, if I, you know, I tend to cuss at times and if you didn't like that, I would try not to cuss.
I have to eat the same foods you like. I have to go to the same places you like. I have to like the same music you like. And I, you know, for a long time, that was the way I felt safe with a sense of belonging. So I had no idea any of those things about me, because I was constantly trying to be like the people that I was around. So I would feel safe and wouldn't be rejected, because rejection was my big thing.
Speaker 2 (18:57)
Yeah. The problem. huh.
Speaker 1 (19:00)
Yeah, the problem with that, the problem with that is if you have this tapestry and everybody is the same color thread.
What's that image?
All white, all blue, all red. There's no depth. There's no interest in it. Apostries are interesting when there's differences, when there's uniqueness, when there's shadows. If you've taken an art class, what's one of the things they teach you when you're painting, where are your shadows? Otherwise it's a flat thing. Now you can get into Dadaism and Cubism and all that. That's fine. But if you're, if you're painting portraits and in fact,
Speaker 2 (19:23)
Right.
Speaker 1 (19:44)
Your face is difficult, but they always say work with your shadows of the face. That gives you depth. That gives you interest. It's the same in our communities. I think our communities are much more interesting when we have a variety of things, variety of people, variety of interests, a variety of activities that we can do. And that contributes to the greater story of your community.
Speaker 2 (19:49)
Right.
It does.
Speaker 1 (20:15)
So it just to me, this whole analogy of stories in our lives, just make, to me it just fits. It fits everything.
Speaker 2 (20:24)
It really does. As you talk about the depth in our tapestry and the shadows, when we're bringing in that it's not just us, that we're in a story with other people and they have stories and you see how it really impacts how we view ourselves and the stories that we grew up with, how our different experiences are openings up to seeing different possibilities, different stories, different things that can happen in our lives.
but also how other people's stories are impacting us. All that overlays in the story that we're living.
Speaker 1 (20:55)
Yes.
Yes. Yes. And there are some people and we all have this friend or a couple of friends that live the same story over and over and over. Yeah. And they will, they spend a lot of time on that story, whether it be their significant other, whether it be their kid, whether it be their job. And it becomes this story of
My boss doesn't like me. Why can't I get my husband to? Why can't I get my girlfriend to? Why? Why do I have to be the breadwinner? Why? Why can't she get it? I mean, these are all stories. And the question is, when how do you want to change that story?
Speaker 2 (21:53)
That's such a big thing. I think a lot of the women that I work with, they are the strong one and they identify with being the one and the story has become part of their identity in the one that handles it all. I'm the one, know, everybody comes to and there's some anger behind that story as well.
Speaker 1 (21:54)
Yeah.
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (22:13)
I'm the one that always gets it done. No matter what, know, people don't show up. I'm the one that shows up. I get it done. I do all the household stuff. I do all the kids. I run the show. I am that strong one. And with that story has become their identity. And behind that identity, we're then having all of the different emotions that are coming in there. That I'm stuck in this space that I can't see my way out.
Speaker 1 (22:24)
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (22:40)
This has become who I am and I don't know how to shift it even though I desperately want to. So from story perspective, when we're so stuck, what can we do to shift that story?
Speaker 1 (22:45)
Yes.
This is one of my favorite things and it's almost too easy When you when you feel you're at the precipice of that stuck story and it's usually You know, honestly, I'm tired of people telling me I'm the strong one. Yeah, you'll do it. She's she's the strong one. She's the capable one. She'll do it
Speaker 2 (23:14)
Right?
Speaker 1 (23:17)
And this is right at that moment where you feel that.
That's when you have to stop and say, how do I want to respond?
Speaker 2 (23:27)
⁓
Speaker 1 (23:29)
And it's tricky because we're so used to just responding either with, okay, I'll do it. But in the meantime, we're thinking, no, I'm not doing it anymore. Either one of those answers is not the right answer. You got to stop. And when you stop, it's, I call it trigger interrupt us. Cause that comment is a trigger and it's
Speaker 2 (23:52)
Yes it is.
Speaker 1 (23:55)
means you're going to do a response that you've always done. Triggers always elicit the same responses. So I call it a micro moment of change. You have an opportunity for a micro moment of change. And when you, when you feel that before you react, if you can, sometimes you can't, but if you can step back and say, this is the moment where I can do something differently.
And maybe that moment, and hopefully if you get it in an email, that's even better, because then you don't have to say it. You don't have to respond to the email right away. I don't know if you're like me, but there was a time where if somebody sent me an email, I responded within 30 seconds.
Speaker 2 (24:38)
Yes, I do. Yeah. That was like, I am a professional and people will think bad about me if I don't respond in the 30 seconds that it came. Yeah. I'm sitting at my desk or not. For hours later, it's fine. Yes. No, that.
Speaker 1 (24:48)
Yes. Yes.
I know, but that's if you get that email, this is when you can say.
And I've even said, get up and walk away. Just interrupt it.
in a micro moment of change, you're going down a path, right? You're going down a path. You're going down a path. You're going down a path. So in a micro moment of change, it's a little teeny thing, right? It's no big deal. It's a little teeny change. It's a little teeny change. It's a little teeny change. Little teeny change. But over time, that one little
micro moment of change goes, you know, it starts off like it's this way, but then it might look like it's only a one degree, but that one degree expands further down the pike. So, so whenever you can just stop and respond differently, you've changed. See, we think change happens in big chunks. It doesn't. It doesn't. most profound.
Speaker 2 (25:42)
Right.
Yes.
Speaker 1 (25:57)
profound, long lasting changes happen with those tiny decisions we make. And so if, if, if you get that email and I know I can rely on you, you always get it done so much better than me and yours is instead of writing off your RRR, take a breath, walk away. Don't even answer till the next day, whatever, but do something different. And then in your response, say, I appreciate all the great words you have for me.
but I'm not available, I don't have the time, I'm busy, I'm this or that. Have you thought about contacting somebody else to get that done? And I'll tell you what, the first response, when somebody does that, the first time I did it, they called me, you know, the email, called me right away. And this was somebody who would take days to answer my emails and would frustrate the heck out of me, yet I responded all the time. So I took a break, I didn't respond right away, and when I...
came back and I responded, I don't, I think it was the next day and just said, I'm sorry, Judy or whoever. I, I can't do it. I'm, tied up. I've got a project. I'm on a, you know, I'm busy phone ring immediately. What are you talking about? I always rely on you. What do you, why are you not, why are you doing this to me? You're leaving me in the lurch. You're leaving me in a problem. What's wrong? Why are you doing that? It's like,
And when I saw that it was her calling, that was the voicemail. I didn't answer because I didn't want to have to say, OK, OK, OK. I listened to her voicemail. And then when I was in a place to respond, then I responded. But see, when we're triggered, see what happened, my turning her down triggered her. So she was going to come back to me on that trigger. And I.
Speaker 2 (27:47)
Absolutely.
Speaker 1 (27:52)
Listen to her voicemail and I said, how can I respond to her that's non-triggering for me and let it be okay if she's triggered?
Speaker 2 (28:00)
And I think that's such a key. Let it be okay that the other person is triggered. And it just makes sense as humans. We expect a response. And when we don't get that response, it rattles us.
Speaker 1 (28:02)
Yes.
Yes, yes, yes.
Speaker 2 (28:16)
when we say no to kiddos that there might be a little bit of backlash and we're going to have, know, but I always in the dramatics, have 10 and a lot of dramatics, but we don't always expect it with adults. Yes. Back when we have the same human response that's coming in and it's, didn't get what I wanted and now I'm upset. So I'm calling to get my way. We don't expect that. And that's when we cave. To rehearse.
Speaker 1 (28:24)
Yes.
Speaker 2 (28:43)
and have my little list of things that I could say when I'm like, I'm no longer available for this. I needed my script when I started to set those boundaries because I didn't want to cave in the moment. I my things that I relied on, but it was moments that I was choosing. I love Jefferson Fisher's, a Breath. Your breath should be your first word. I don't know if you've read his book, but I love that because
Speaker 1 (28:56)
Yes!
Speaker 2 (29:12)
that talk about the little moments, the micro changes, having my breath be my first word, completely changed everything. Actually, in those hot ticket situations with kiddos or upset humans, because it's like, I get to organize, I get to pause, I'm not just reacting from the trigger. And I love you can have that space, like an email, text message.
Speaker 1 (29:22)
Everything.
Speaker 2 (29:41)
voicemail that we can really reintegrate. But even if you take breath and it's like, let me check my schedule. I'll get back to you. And that's like, but you can just check it out. Well, I've got to check things and then come back to you. Maybe you can that pause in that space and you do get some flack the first time you do it. And that's human and that's okay.
Speaker 1 (29:44)
That's right.
Yes!
Yes.
Yes, it's okay. So they gave you flack. All right.
Speaker 2 (30:10)
Right?
Speaker 1 (30:12)
The sun's still shining. don't see any any, you know, everything's still out there. My computer didn't shut down. Yeah, they're unhappy. And somebody said to me one time, well, I don't I don't know if they're going to like me anymore. said, do you really think they like you now? All they're doing is using you because you always say, yes, I hate I don't. And you got to I'm kinder than that. But think about
Speaker 2 (30:20)
world an end?
Speaker 1 (30:42)
Think about the way these people that are our friends are treating us. And let's think of ⁓ a better story for what your friendship means. Value your friendship. Who are you as a friend? Cause you have, you have the mom story, the wife story, the partner story, the business story, the, the friend story. So let's look at your friend's story.
Speaker 2 (30:47)
Hmm?
Speaker 1 (31:09)
What do you expect of your friends and what do you expect to be as a friend? What do you consider a good friend?
Speaker 2 (31:15)
Ooh. ⁓ For me personally, it's that person that you can be open, honest, authentic with. the one that's gonna know the dirt that's going on. And there's no expectation. It's looking at, do I have capacity to ⁓ really filter? Am I a sounding board or can I really filter what's going on in her life? Can she do the same? It's that.
expectation that we are going to make mistakes and we're going to make choices that we don't agree with and we have. and there are choices that both of us have gone like, that would be the one I'd make. But we can still come back and love that person without it being into the friendship.
Speaker 1 (31:56)
Yes.
That's right.
Speaker 2 (32:00)
through things. And so there is that honesty and that respect and there's that forgiveness because life made mistakes in our relationship that have probably hurt her and I regret those, but it's part of being human and we can come back.
Speaker 1 (32:14)
Yes, yes, yes, we have to accept our own humanity. Yeah.
Speaker 2 (32:19)
Yes. I some time.
Speaker 1 (32:22)
It is. It is because we've been trained. We've been given the story of don't disappoint them. Don't don't let people down, especially women. Don't disappoint them. Don't let them down. You you should do that.
Speaker 2 (32:39)
Right, the expectation of how we need to up in the world.
Speaker 1 (32:43)
Yes, and I and I always say the minute I hear should a story is about to happen.
Speaker 2 (32:49)
I love that. Tell me more.
Speaker 1 (32:53)
When we have a should, well I should ⁓ wear those clothes. Where did you get that story from? What do you mean? Well who told you you should wear those clothes? Well my mom always said I dressed like a slut. Okay, did you dress like a slut? Well I didn't think so but she said my skirts were too high. I said okay, what was the length of them? Well they came to my knee. Okay, well.
Speaker 2 (33:01)
Hmm?
Speaker 1 (33:23)
In today's standards, do you think that's a slutty outfit? Well, I don't think she liked me wearing dresses anyway. I think she would have preferred I wore, you blah, blah, blah. And it's like, so when so that should was your mom, friend, grandmother, somebody setting, telling you what a lady the how a lady dresses. So so
This is the Edith Head story. Edith Head was one of the most prolific costume designers in the Hollywood industry. So I call that the Edith Head story. How should you be dressing? What does this character wear in this movie?
Speaker 2 (34:09)
Ooh, I love that reframe. Love that it's a story and that can start in the like, we've got to have this like little light bulb going off in our head. We said, who else's story? Cause it sounds like it is someone else's. And the reframe of what is that character where?
Speaker 1 (34:12)
Yeah. ⁓
Yeah. Now, and it's funny because I was just, I don't think I have style. mean, I, never trust the clothes that I wear. mean, do I look good in them? Do I? I don't know. I'm not a style maven. I stick with dark blues and dark colors and usually tops and slacks. And my, my sister, again, she was here and she said, let's liven up your outfits. And I said, well, I kind of like to.
but I have no idea what looks good on me. You know, I love this one color of yellow and every time I wear it, makes me look like a big giant banana. I look terrible in it, but I love the color. And so I don't get that. I don't get that because I can't see what I look like to other people, you know, or and and and I also say I want to dress for me and what I want to wear. I don't want to really worry about how other people see me or what they think about me.
but I didn't want to look like a banana that I knew. So I need to I get to explore now and determine what my outfit story is. How do I want to use clothes as an expression of me?
Speaker 2 (35:44)
love that. And we do that. mean, essentially what we pick out what we wear, it is an expression of us. The of the shoulds that we have bought into. But I love when we're taking as more of that character. How are we using the clothes in our story?
Speaker 1 (35:49)
Yes.
That's right. That's right. And, and, you know it, you know, in any, in any movie television show, they have ⁓ a style, a brand, like you have a branding sheet when you're business, they have a style sheet for each of the characters and they have a wardrobe for each of the characters. so, so and so will only wear this. They won't wear that, you know, it's fascinating to see how
Speaker 2 (36:17)
Uh-huh.
Speaker 1 (36:29)
We do it in our own stories. And my, this is my costume.
Speaker 2 (36:36)
Yes. ⁓ and what happens if we change our costumes? If we go off that little sheet of what we're supposed to wear.
Speaker 1 (36:46)
Honestly, a lot of people freak out.
Speaker 2 (36:49)
Isn't that fascinating?
Speaker 1 (36:51)
⁓ it's crazy. About a hundred years ago, I went to work at AT &T. It was one of the only times I worked for somebody else. And this was this was a bit of time ago. And they sent us this was I was right out of college. It was in the mid 80s. They sent us to dress for success school that girls went to dress for success school. And we had to wear nylons and we had to get navy blue suits and the hem.
needed to be at the knee and the heels could only be that high. And you had to have a blouse with a bow tie on, you know, a little bow. Brooks Brothers. I don't know if they have Brooks Brothers anymore. So you either had, so you had a navy blue suit and a gray suit. That was the AT &T way. Oh, wow. Well, I went and bought this gorgeous beige suit that was just stunning and it fit me beautifully. And then I got a bright purple blouse under it.
And I loved it and it looked so good together. was one of the times I had a good sense of style and fashion. I loved it. So the day they say one day I walked in the office and they were planning on this big sales meeting. And here I am in this beige suit with the purple thing and everybody was wearing navy blue. I stood out like a sore thumb. And it was so funny because I thought, ⁓ what am I going to do?
This is what I wore today.
Speaker 2 (38:21)
We can't go home and change it. This is disgusting.
Speaker 1 (38:24)
called the meeting this is what I'm wearing
Speaker 2 (38:28)
That's awesome. I can visualize that.
Speaker 1 (38:31)
I know it was it was it was back to that black sheep moment. It was one of these things where I didn't follow the rules. I had my own sense of style and I loved it. At the time, I think I was like, oh, am I going to get in trouble? But when I look back at it, I, you know, I often do meditations where I'll go and see these past versions of myself. And I applauded her as she walked in. Oh, you go, girl, you go, girl.
Speaker 2 (38:56)
love that!
Speaker 1 (39:00)
And I embraced it because that made me embrace this black sheep style of me, this self-determination, this willingness to be my own person.
Speaker 2 (39:12)
Right. I love the visual and the idea of going back into meditation and really applaud it. Cause I think a lot of us go back in our minds around all the things that we did. Like if you showed up in a suit and you could just berate yourself, my gosh, there's so much shame. And how could I do that? And how could I fit it in? Go back and see that scenario and applaud yourself. Yes. Yes. In how are rewriting that story.
Speaker 1 (39:31)
Yep.
Yep.
Yes, yes. And it does impact who you are in this moment. It does. It does. Because like you said, there's shame. There's like, did I do? You know, people are looking at me, but not for the right reasons. They're looking at me because they not anymore. Now it's like I think back to that time and it's like, dang, I was so proud of myself.
Speaker 2 (39:46)
does.
That is incredible. Thank you. I am so using that as I go back through stories. If I catch myself going back to something, looking at how I can support myself in that instead of just a little run around around, I should have done this. I should have done that. How come this didn't happen?
Speaker 1 (40:06)
Yeah!
Okay.
I should
have. should have. should have. That's the story. That's the story. Yes. Instead say, what could I do?
Speaker 2 (40:25)
Yes!
I love that. What could I do? Even in the moment? Like, as I'm standing there in the moment, what could I do? As I'm looking at reframing, what could I do?
Speaker 1 (40:41)
Yeah.
Yeah. How could I respond? How could I handle this differently? How could I? What do I really want to do right now? Hmm.
Speaker 2 (40:53)
That's
big question. What do I really want to do right now?
Speaker 1 (40:58)
Yep. Yep. And honestly, there's times you don't mind helping out. Sure, I'll help you out, but not every time. That's excessive. That's excessive.
Speaker 2 (41:08)
Mm-hmm.
It's when it's become the pattern. When we're choosing to help because it feels aligned, because it feels good, that's one thing. The pattern of they ask, we always say yes, and it drains us, and we don't want to, and we're angry behind, and there's resentment. That's when we need to be shifting the story.
Speaker 1 (41:12)
Yes.
Yeah.
Yes, yes. Yes,
yes, that's when the story needs to go away. That's when you should get rid of that story. ⁓
Speaker 2 (41:36)
That story is somebody else's, yes!
Speaker 1 (41:40)
you gotta have fun too. You have to be able to laugh at it.
Speaker 2 (41:44)
And I think a lot of that is being able to laugh at the situation, at seeing the humor, at seeing how fabulous it was, even if it didn't feel fabulous in the moment That you showed up in a suit that really had you stand out. That was a fabulous moment. But we have to go back and see it as the fabulous moment.
Speaker 1 (42:04)
It
was, it was, it was. ⁓ it's one of my proudest moments actually. I know at the exact time I was like, uh-oh, but I love that. I celebrate that moment. To me, that was really talking about my willingness to be me. I don't care about dress for six.
Speaker 2 (42:26)
Yes.
I'm looking at how you've embraced that and that you got to stand out as you and how that shifts how the rest of your story plays out. That could have been a moment where you shut down and then didn't allow yourself to stand out in any way, or form again, because that was scary.
Speaker 1 (42:43)
Yes.
See this is this is what's happened for a long time. I didn't let myself stand out I didn't want to say my truth I didn't want to and there was a lot of anger and resentment around that it wasn't until it was a couple years later it was a couple years after that event that I went to film school and really saw how this all played out and That's when I started going back to these times in my life, that's when I realized that this
black sheep moniker that was given to me was really your uniqueness and your individuality. My stepson was here a couple of years ago. was visiting and he was really frustrated with me. And I said, what's going on? Let's talk. Let's go. What's going on? And he said, there's no one like you. just, you just pick the life you want to lead and you go for it. Nobody does that. I said,
In all the years I've known you, this is like the best thing you've ever said to me. See, that! You don't even think what I said was bad. You think it's so great. I said, yeah.
Speaker 2 (44:00)
I I think it's fabulous. Because I want is to be able to just let all the shits and the stories that aren't mine, flow away and be able to do what I want and be who I want without any second thought.
Speaker 1 (44:19)
But you will get there. But let me, let me tell you the afterthought that he came back to me with. If everybody lived their lives the way they wanted to, we'd be, we'd be in a world of chaos and craziness in the world. And my first reaction was, well, aren't we already? There's a lot of chaos and craziness anyway. Maybe if we all felt we were living our truest lives.
Some of that underlying pain and anger that's creating these issues would go away.
Speaker 2 (44:53)
Yes, what about the magic that comes from being ourselves?
Speaker 1 (44:57)
Because and not only that, but when we feel like we're being ourselves and we're seen and accepted for who we are, we're truly accepted. somebody likes you because you wear the right clothes, say the right things, do the right thing. Little part of us that doesn't trust belonging. Because you have a secret and that secret is.
Speaker 2 (45:05)
That's it. Yes.
you
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (45:26)
This is who I really am.
Speaker 2 (45:28)
Right. And then that secret perpetuates in that relationship for a long time. Like dated people where, you know, they didn't like pie. So I didn't like pie. Where I like pie. I like pie. the longer the relationship goes, like I can't have pie because they don't like pie. But it was in that chameleon where you're folding in.
Speaker 1 (45:50)
Yeah. And then, and then you have a pie in your closet and you're sitting there eating all this pie and they open the door and they say, what? You're a secret pie eater.
Speaker 2 (46:00)
me in the relationship. But it's coming back. There's so many times where we are these little dishonesties because we want to fit in, because we want to match the other person. Yes. But then it builds so much that we don't even know who we are anymore.
Speaker 1 (46:17)
Yes, exactly. Exactly. We're just a bunch of chameleons, you know, molding ourselves to be, to meet the situation. And if we could get to that level of self-acceptance, I think so many other things would sort themselves out. I really do. I do too.
Speaker 2 (46:34)
I don't know.
The stories behind, the emotions behind the stories that we're holding coming back to the show. If we are authentically who we are and we step into that story and we're saying yes because we're expected to say yes, there goes the resentment, there goes the anger. And all of sudden stepping into a
Speaker 1 (46:52)
Yes, yes.
Yes,
yes.
Speaker 2 (46:58)
A person who feels light and who feels whole and who is showing up without all of these negative emotions that we know tie to health issues. my gosh, we have.
Speaker 1 (47:06)
Yes. Health
issues diminish. Depression stops.
Speaker 2 (47:13)
Absolutely anxiety goes out the door.
Speaker 1 (47:15)
Yes, anxiety. Gosh, the amount of anxiety we carry because we're so afraid we'll be found out.
Speaker 2 (47:21)
Yes.
Speaker 1 (47:24)
And then I won't be liked or I'll lose my job or I'll lose my relationship or I'll lose my friends. Sometimes you will lose your relationship, your jobs and your friends. They really serving who you really are.
Speaker 2 (47:29)
Mm-hmm.
Absolutely.
Now, if you show up as you and they go away, it's probably a good thing.
Speaker 1 (47:44)
They weren't your real friend, person, job anyway.
Speaker 2 (47:47)
Mm-mm. Nope, those who are, stick.
Speaker 1 (47:52)
That's right. That's right. What was what's that phrase?
Speaker 2 (47:53)
Yes,
Speaker 1 (47:58)
Those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.
Speaker 2 (48:02)
Yes.
Speaker 1 (48:03)
Did I say that right? you ever heard that before? I don't know if I'm saying it exactly right, but it's if they mind, they don't matter. If they matter, they don't mind.
Speaker 2 (48:06)
huh.
And that's exactly it.
Speaker 1 (48:15)
Yeah. Yeah.
Speaker 2 (48:17)
really whole loving relationships, they might get mad at you, but it's not going to disrupt the entire relationship.
Speaker 1 (48:25)
And honestly, sometimes they get upset because they're like, OK, you're different. What does that mean about me?
Speaker 2 (48:31)
⁓ yes. That's a huge thing. And as we have to recalibrate, I mean, my husband tells me often, you're not the woman I married. And I'm not at all. But we've been together for years and we have both evolved in transitions and he's not the guy I married, which is we have grown together. But is that shift? And if you look back at that person that, you know, got married, I don't want to be her.
She hid a lot more. She wasn't as open. She wasn't as fun. And so there is that shift when we can be ourselves more.
Speaker 1 (49:09)
Yes, yes. And kudos that he went along with you. Kudos for that. Kudos. That's awesome.
Speaker 2 (49:17)
It's been a wild ride, but it is awesome.
Speaker 1 (49:21)
And I, and I do that in my relationship too. I, we've been together for many years now too. And I, I just realized neither one of us are the same person. ⁓ And, and he has often said to me, you've never asked me to change. said, I never understood that. Why, if I didn't like you enough to, I want, I didn't want to be with you. Why would I try to change you? Why am in the relationship if I'm trying to change you so much?
Speaker 2 (49:52)
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (49:53)
And so as a result, he's changed.
Speaker 2 (49:57)
And it's just that evolution of, as we've grown, as I do something that impacts something in his story, and shifts because his story has changed and shifted and life events, having kids, different careers, moving places, all of that has changed our story, but it's also changed how we see ourselves, how we show up in the world, how we engage together.
Speaker 1 (50:03)
Yes. Yes.
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Smart. So you see how story really can be applied in just about anything, anything that we do.
Speaker 2 (50:31)
It's incredible. This has been an incredible conversation. my goodness, Carrie, thank you so much.
Speaker 1 (50:37)
I love talking with you. You're a lot of fun.
Speaker 2 (50:41)
you! As we're coming to a close, are there any parting words that you would like to share with our listeners?
Speaker 1 (50:49)
⁓
Life is supposed to be more fun. It's not supposed to be all this hard work. So start to see it as a story. Make it a comedy, a drama, whatever, but see it as a story and have fun with it. Laugh more, love more. It's all within you.
Speaker 2 (51:13)
incredibly powerful words. Thank you so much. There are listeners that are just eating up what you are saying. And I'm sure there are people that want to continue the conversation with you. How can people connect with you?
Speaker 1 (51:17)
You're welcome.
Ha
Go to my website, carrykcwest.com. It's C-A-R-R-I-E-K-C-W-E-S-T.com. And you can schedule a time with me. I believe my phone number is even there, even though they say you're not supposed to do that. Give me a call. Send me an email. You know, again, something else that I don't care what I should do. mean, if people...
I get, I get more spam calls anyway. So what would be somebody calling me? It's okay. but I also wanted to say my next book, my book, life rewritten is out and available. And it talks about my journey and how I wrote rewrote my life. My next book, money rewritten. And, it talks about our relationship with money and how we can change that story. And I have a webinar on money rewritten.
where I work especially with women to help them change their relationship with money. And women have very unique stories with money. It's fascinating. And so that's my next big undertaking as I work with helping people change every story in their life.
Speaker 2 (52:44)
my goodness. I love that. And I will have all of that down in the show notes. Carrie, so thank you so much. is fabulous. And I've had so much fun talking to you.
Speaker 1 (52:53)
And you, Landy.
Landy Peek (52:54)
That conversation was such an incredible conversation and I had so much fun talking with Carrie. As Carrie reminded us, your life isn't fixed. It's a story And stories can be rewritten. Sometimes it's as simple as one micro choice, one breath, one know that shifts the whole plot. If you know a friend who's tired of
being the strong one like Carrie and I, but doesn't know how to step out of that role. Send this episode to her. It might just be that micro choice that.
aha moment, the invitation that she's been waiting for. I want to thank you for being here with me. And I so appreciate your listening. I would love an honest review on on Apple podcast or Spotify, wherever you listen to the podcast, your words.
can help someone else make a micro choice that can literally change their life.
You're not just living a story. You are the author. And you have power that I'm guessing you haven't fully tapped into. There is wild in you that you can create whatever you want. And I have confidence that you can because I believe you are not only strong and capable, but you are creative and loving and fun and funny.
And you change the world by just being in it because you are deserving and worthy of everything that you could want in life.
I invite you, if you are feeling lost in your story, to take that pause, to look at one micro-choice that could change things. One breath that just gives you enough pause and thought that you could make a different choice. And knowing that we can make choices that literally will change our life at any moment in our day.
I truly wish you all the happiness that today can bring. We'll talk to you on the next episode.
Landy Peek (55:21)
Hey, before you go, just a little bit of legal. This podcast is designed for educational purposes only. It is not to replace
any expert advice from your doctors, therapists, coaches, or any other professional that you would work with. It's just a chat with a friend, me, where we get curious about ideas, thoughts, and things that are going on in our lives. And as we're talking about friends, if you know someone who would benefit from the conversation today, please share because I think the more that we open up these conversations, the more benefit we all get. So until next time, give yourself a big hug from me and stay curious.
Because that's the fun in this world.
