Landy Peek (00:35)
Welcome back to the Landy Peak podcast. I'm so excited that you're here today. my gosh, today's conversation, it's gonna blow your mind and change your life. I'm Landy and I'm your friend and host. And today I have a guest that will literally stop you in your tracks. Amanda Graham is a comedy writer and author who spent 11 years in what she calls the wilderness, a season where nothing made sense.
Silence was deafening and survival literally was the only goal. But here's the twist. The wilderness became the foundation for the life that she's building now. Her story is raw, funny, and the reminder you need that your before, your wilderness isn't the end, it's the setup.
And eventually you'll be able to connect the dots.
Speaker 1 (01:32)
I'm so thrilled to have Amanda Graham here with us. Amanda, thank you for being on the Landy Peak podcast. Can you share just a little bit about yourself?
Speaker 2 (01:41)
Sure, Landy. First of all, I am very excited to be here. Thank you so much for having me on. I think what you're doing and your mission is amazing. And it's so nice to be a little part of it. yeah. So my name is Amanda Graham. I am a comedy writer and a public speaker and a very irreverent and stubborn author as well. I've just been going through a period.
which I call the wilderness for the last 11 years. I'm just coming out the other side. so I'm basically I've got this mission to kind of help other people who are going through periods in their life where things don't make any sense. They might feel a little bit of isolation, things like that. I know how it feels. I'm coming out the other end and I'm hoping that there are some things that I've learned, some insight I've gained that could help other people.
Speaker 1 (02:32)
Yes, I'm so excited. So I want to start with that space and phase of nothing makes sense. Life is just not going the way you called it the wilderness. So can you speak to that and kind of clue us in about what you mean and what you've experienced?
Speaker 2 (02:50)
Okay, well mean the wilderness really is ⁓ kind of a biblical term and you know I was in a very strict fundamentalist cult when I was younger so I know a lot about the Bible and ⁓ the wilderness is kind of that period where ⁓ prophets and people you know people who are important to the mission go through a period purification essentially everything is like clear to side they usually it's completely against their will
And it can go for a very long time, like Moses was there for 40 years, think. Jesus, 30 days and 30 nights, or 40 days and Anyways, the point is this. It's been 11 years for me, and it was without a doubt the most difficult and cleansing period of my life. And what was important to me was figuring out the meaning of it.
And that's really difficult when you're going through the middle of it. I remember, so this has been going on for 11 years. And I remember about eight years ago, things just, that was it. I was done. You know what I mean? I had been trying for years, trying everything that I knew I was supposed to be doing, but nothing was working. I was getting more and more isolated. It was getting harder and harder to find work. All of the things that I was taught growing up, nothing was working or making any sense. So.
I remember it was December. It was just after my birthday and I was laying upstairs and in my freezing cold flat and I was I was praying. I didn't even know who I was praying to. I was just like, I don't know if anyone is listening, but I need some direction. I cannot go on like this for another day. So I prayed. was just like, just something, something to help me. ⁓ I can't deal with this anymore. So
When I came downstairs the next morning, I put on YouTube, just in the background while I was trying to find work again. ⁓ And one of those motivational videos came on. Now I didn't have a history of watching motivational videos, but when I say motivational videos, mean, they're like athletes and people being very dramatic. And there was like a man with a deep voice talking very dramatically about things. And he's always quoting.
motivational speakers or whatever else. Anyways, so then they started playing other people though. And, and then I recognize Steve Jobs' voice. And I was like, okay. And he, he starts right away and he says, right, so ⁓ I'm here to tell you about times in your life where nothing makes any sense. And I was like, no way. No, I looked up for my laptop. I was like, no way. And, and he went, you know, there will be these periods where, you know,
you're alone and ⁓ everything you try isn't working. And I was like, my God, yes, Steve Jobs. This is the answer I've been praying for. my God. So well, praying for, for 18 hours or whatever else. Anyway, he goes, so I have one thing to tell you. And that is this, that it's only when you get to the other side of the crisis that you'll be able to look back and connect the dots. And I was just like, that's it? Dots?
That's your solution to my crisis, to everything being wrong in my life, that one day I'll be able to look back and connect them. That doesn't help me now. And you know what, Landi, I was so mad. I was so mad. I was just like, that's not the kind of help I need. So ⁓ I kind of banged that, you know, in my mind. And then I saw some other videos and stuff on meditation and gratitude. So
Anyways, I started meditating, which was a struggle. My brain never shuts off. And then there was a shelf, those bookshelves over there. I created a little shelf with my son and we put all these little things on, things we were grateful for and pictures of people who we loved and lots of little things. And we would light candles every night and we would sit there and go three things that we're really grateful for. And it was really hard at first. I was like, what do I have to be grateful for? I can't find a job, I have no money.
You know, I'm single, but all this kind of stuff. So it was really hard at first. was like, I'm glad I have, I'm alive. All right. I'm glad I, you know, at least have some food in my fridge and I have water. It was like that kind of stuff. Then after a few weeks, I realized, wait, actually I'm starting to see that things are okay. I might not know where I am right now or where I'm going, but.
There was a shift and I can't remember where exactly it was. I think it was around week three or four where I started realizing that first good things could happen, but second that good things could happen for me.
Speaker 1 (07:50)
that seems important.
Speaker 2 (07:53)
Yeah. And I think that was the thing that started the turn, started the shift. Yeah. You know, and I can talk about dots whenever you want, but at first I was, I was, I was rebellious. I was rebellious against that idea. I was really mad.
Speaker 1 (08:13)
Yeah, I totally get it. I think I would be too. It's like, I please, I just need something. And here are these dots that I'm going to figure out after my crisis is over. And it's like, well, that's not helping right now. I've been in that same situation where it's just like, you're not helping now. I need now. Not great. look back on my life and figure it out. And I have. I totally understand the dots theory, but I want it now. So what do we do when we're
really asking for help and not getting it.
Speaker 2 (08:48)
You know, it's really odd because ⁓ there, I don't think there's just one answer because, you know, even up to, I would say about a month ago, I still have my moments where I am like screaming at the ceiling or at the sky and just going, what the hell, right? And, and so, and I, and I wanted to make sure that you and your audience knew this, you know, like,
It's so odd because when we go through periods of healing, we're almost lulled into a false sense of security, like that everything's going to be fine now, but that's not the way it works at all. We get pulled in back in, you know what I mean? Over and over again. So these periods where God or the universe or whatever is really silent can be so destabilizing and they can really do a number on our nervous system. You know, and so what's...
Speaker 1 (09:29)
Right.
Speaker 2 (09:47)
I think what's really important is that to accept number one, that things could get worse before they get better, right? So I remember when I thought I was coming out of the wilderness period about two years ago, things got so much worse. Like, I'm not gonna say who in my family, but somebody very close to me had their second heart attack. Another person in my family had two strokes. I lost.
three jobs in a row to AI. The sale of my flat fell through eight times. I lost my hair. My Nana died. My friend Martin died. And then in February, my best friend in the world died. The person who had gotten me through the whole wilderness. And so it really like, it's so odd. It's almost like when you feel really alone, the world, the universe, God, whoever goes out of their way to make sure you know you're alone.
And I think the reason why is because when you don't have the distractions, ⁓ it is your time to figure out what your patterns are, what is still left, know, the scar tissue that's still impacted. And there's something about the silence. There's something about
realization of who you are in the silence because we've got no one else or anything else to distract us in the way that we have when everything is very loud and noisy around us. Yeah. then, you know, and then in terms of the human things day to day, ⁓ you know, you can do things like, of course you look for the dots and everything, but I think figure out.
what you've learned so far and learn how to contribute that to the people around you. I like to do things like I play this game called the Post-it Game, ⁓ is where I write, I take a big, a good, I love Post-its. I love them. But like the real strong ones, you know what I mean? The proper ones, not the knockoff ones. You got to spend the extra money and get the proper ones. And then I put down little things. I put down little...
things of encouragement or wisdom or things that I wish I knew. And then I go into the city and I put them in different places. ⁓ And ⁓ it's really cool because I remember the first time I did, I just had the idea to do it. The first time I did it, I put ⁓ one that said something like, you know that thing you're supposed to be doing, you know, the thing that is going to be hard and it's going to feel impossible. Well, I'm doing it right now. You can do it too. I promise you. And I put it on a bench.
And I remember I put I went around the block and put them in different places. And then I came back and I just was spying on the bench. And there was a boy who must have been about 18 or 19 years old and he was in gray sweats. He must have been jib. And he had a bag next to him. And he looked over and he saw it and he picked it up. And he just went like this. ⁓ you know what I mean? And I think I think when we're alone.
and we're really going through it and everything is silent and we're screaming for someone to hear us and someone to listen and help us. There is something about getting what it is that you've learned from that period into a way where other people can hear you. And that posted thing is my way of doing that. Do you know what I mean? So I think there's different ways that we can get that wisdom out, even if it feels like no one else is around us and no one else is listening to us.
Speaker 1 (13:26)
Absolutely. That's how this podcast was born. It was my like, my gosh, I'm going through my wilderness and I have a bunch of things to share. And it started as a passion project, not existing it to be connected to my business or do anything other than share. And for a long time it was me monologuing. And then it was just really fun. And I started getting
you know, emails and DMs and things from people saying, my gosh, that episode really hit me. It's like, ⁓ wow, people are listening. That's cool. And it's helping people. And so, yes, this has become that's my post-it. But I love the post-its because what a simple way to really create an impact in somebody's life, because the right person is going to read that and they're going to be drawn in and connect.
and just the image that you had of the young man and then his head goes down and just really tapping into, okay, whoa.
Speaker 2 (14:26)
So you understand this, right? Because when your audience starts getting in touch with you, I mean, like you said, you can be just talking into the ether for what seems like so long. And then the moment that you realize that somebody was there at the right place in the right time to listen to what you had to say, Linda, you know, like, to get the insight that you've gotten from your own experiences. It's it's magic.
Speaker 1 (14:49)
It is magic. It's incredible. I think we learn as humans so much more from others' experiences and we resonate at a deep cellular level versus research and hearing and reading and the cognitive learning. When we hear it through the story, that's when it's like, ⁓ yes. And the way that you wrote that post-it was the story. I mean, it had everything on one little post-it. That's incredible.
Speaker 2 (15:19)
You know what I love and you'll feel the exactly the same way about your audience as well. But I if you think about all of the cogs of different sizes and everything that had to turn for me to not only come to the place to write the post-its, but to get the insight that he needed right and put it. mean, what are the odds of him me going to that bench that day and him sitting down there and nobody else picking that up him picking that up as well.
This is what I mean about realizing that good stuff can happen for us, you know what I mean? All of those cogs that have to be turning at the same time to get us to a specific place, you know, a moment to be given such a gift of somebody else's insight. It's just, it's magnificent, I think.
Speaker 1 (16:10)
It is, it's incredible. And how the universe is working through us to have those dots that are. It's so humbling when we think about, cause we get very focused on us and focused on our story and our struggles and how when we take a step back and we are just one of the cogs that helps somebody else in the story.
Speaker 2 (16:17)
Yes.
That's it, cooperative components. And I think I really am a big believer that like sometimes when we are having like a bit of a tough time, it is okay to go, okay, maybe right now it's my time to be a cooperative component, just like other people have been one for me. So what can I do? Even like half an hour on threads. you just go through and you go, yay, to people who've had something amazing happen, or you give a little bit of encouragement.
you will feel so much better by doing that and it's a gift to be able to do something like that. So ⁓ yes, I think you're absolutely right. Sometimes it's our time to be the cog.
Speaker 1 (17:13)
Sometimes it is. And I love community component of just like you said, going on threads and just celebrating somebody else's successes because we do isolate ourselves. And it's, mean, I work from home. It's really easy to isolate myself. have to consciously get out into my community. So I'm not just a little Island here and taking that extra step to really
create connections with other humans, we're seeing how big of impact that can make. You know, making the point that, you know, when I'm picking up my groceries, that I'm actually looking that person in the eye, asking them how their day's going, getting curious, remembering stories if it's the same repeated person that you interact with. human connection is so powerful.
Speaker 2 (17:44)
you
Yeah, and we forget how powerful we are, because I think a lot of things in the world are designed to make us feel powerless, you know what I mean? And isolate us and separate us and whatever else. I am, yes, I am one of those people. I love complimenting people on the street. my God. I don't mean in a false way. mean, like, but I will be like, I love your hair. Look at you. my God. You're amazing. Bah, bah, bah. And it's always just like, but like, look at that.
How, like, just five words to change somebody's day, hour, week, whatever else. What a, why wouldn't I do that? That, that feels crazy. That feels crazy to not do something like that.
Speaker 1 (18:52)
And it's so, I mean, I think you and I are both tapping into the authenticity of sharing that comment. And it's not that we're going through and saying, my gosh, great, great, great. But it's something that really inspires us, something that's like, my goodness, that I truly love this, that or the other. It does make a difference. And it does help build people up. And you never know what they're going through. And you never know how crappy of day that they are having.
one moment could have changed their entire outlook for the rest of the day and it's free and easy as we start changing the world.
Speaker 2 (19:31)
This is it. And people just want to be seen. And you know, most of the time, because we're around people who are also busy with their own stuff and whatever else, we take each other for granted and we do our thing and you know, we're getting ready for work and we're doing what it is we're doing. And we forget that ⁓ there are people who are just going through really shitty times, you know, or they feel nobody's listening to them or whatever else. I went to London the other day.
And I stopped and got a coffee. And I just went up to him and I always say, you know, to the person who's helping. How are you? First of all, how are you doing today? And the looks of the guy was like, Oh my God, I'm fine. Thank you so much for asking. And he didn't charge me for my coffee. And what I mean is, don't do that because you get free coffee. What I mean is, how much did he need that connection?
Speaker 1 (20:13)
shock. Right?
You
Speaker 2 (20:30)
that he was like, that's what I'm going to do. so and it takes no effort on our behalf at all.
Speaker 1 (20:37)
And it changes, it changes that person's day and it absolutely changes the world because then we have that ripple effect. And then that was the other way too, right? You cranky and negative towards somebody which then shifts the cranky and negative and kind of continues on down the line. But that positive, then that person, I mean, I'm sure the next person in line, that person that stood there is gonna get a better, no, I don't wanna say better, is going to get a,
happier, more safe, more confident, loving person as it's going to go down. And then that young man is going to be, you know, to the next customer is going to be more open and happy. And how are you today? And it's going to ripple through and you never know how it's going to impact or how far it's going to go.
Speaker 2 (21:13)
Yeah.
I mean, like person number seven could be making one of the most important decisions in somebody else's life later that day. And you know, they might, they're, if they're even just 5 % happier, they might give somebody a break and give them a mortgage or they might, you know, hire someone that and take a chance on someone who they met, they normally wouldn't or whatever we, you know, or say something good with to their kid. We just don't know what that is, but we forget how powerful we are.
Speaker 1 (21:59)
And I'm so grateful that you really brought that up is because we do have power. We have a lot of power in our day-to-day interactions that we don't recognize. And that goes for our own lives too. We have power in our own lives that we don't recognize.
Speaker 2 (22:15)
100%. Couldn't agree with you, Morland.
Speaker 1 (22:20)
So I would love to kind of shift into how do we ask for help? Feed help. If we're in that space where life is feeling down and we're really craving that person who's going to come compliment us, you know, on our hair or shoes or our handbag. And that would change our day. But we don't know how to get there.
Speaker 2 (22:27)
If a ball
Okay. What I learned during the wilderness is that I was asking for help wrong, right? So I kind of had, so even though I would have periods of growth or really good things would happen, it would be like, boom, then I hit a new brick wall and then I would be hit, I would be back almost further than I was after I, you know, did the new step or whatever. So, and that was really throwing me off. Anyways, what I had a breakthrough probably,
January of this year. And it was basically this, when I was asking for help, I was asking for help the wrong way. Right? So what I mean by that is when we ask for help, ⁓ what we tend to do is be very vague. So ⁓ if we're broke, and we haven't had a job in a while, and we're really struggling, what we'll tend to do is go, I haven't had a job for like, six months on social media or whatever else, you know, we might send something in the family WhatsApp or whatever else.
but we're not specific. So, and obviously everybody is dealing with their own stuff as well, but people don't know what to do if you don't give them examples of what to do. So what I mean is this. So I use the example of Doritos, okay? So here's what I mean by ⁓ abstract and concrete, right? So people see our problems in an abstract way. What I mean by that is,
If they don't know specifics about the problems or specifics about what they can do, they only see it as a kind of concept. what I mean is, Landy, if you've never had Doritos in your life, and I am all over the Doritos, I've got them everywhere, and I can tell you about what they taste like, and I can tell you about the crunch, and I can tell you that some of them have much more flavoring on than others, and I can tell you about the cheese that stays on your fingers afterwards and whatever else. But for you,
It will only be an abstract idea until you see the Doritos for yourself. Okay. So what we have to do when we ask for help is instead of going, uh, you guys, haven't had a job in like seven months is we need to like tackle specific people and go, okay, I haven't had a job in seven months and I am 200. have $200 in my account.
Speaker 1 (24:47)
right.
Speaker 2 (25:07)
and I don't know how I'm going to make rent next month. Could you please sit with me for an hour or two hours and look through my resume or help me find connections, you know, to find jobs or whatever. So what I mean is specific things. If you haven't dated anyone in a while and you keep messing up your relationships, if you know somebody who has is better with relationships or has more insight instead of going, I can't find anyone, everyone sucks.
go, can you look through my texts? What am I doing wrong? Right? So we need specific things. Now we can't blame ourselves for that. You know, one of the things I learned about asking for help is for a lot of us, especially a lot of us who had really tough childhoods is we were around people who either wouldn't help us or couldn't help us. Okay. So when we got older,
When we became the family you choose and whatever else, and we were around people who can help us, we don't have the practice of how to do that.
Speaker 1 (26:11)
Yeah, you're absolutely right. A lot of us never learned the skill. Because we are, and I mean, I am, and my husband teases me that I will like try to carry in all of the groceries by myself instead of just asking for help. But for a long time, it never occurred to me to ask because I
Speaker 2 (26:17)
We don't know how to do it.
Speaker 1 (26:39)
was the person that was strong enough to do it on her own. was easier to do it on my own. It was easier to just do it on my own than to think through the question of how I needed help because I didn't know how to ask or what I even needed. And so like, I'm just managing it on my own, struggling. And he's like, I'm standing here. I can help. There wasn't that thought process of, oh, can you help me carry in the groceries?
And I think a lot of us are in that space where, yes, I love that we need to be specific because we are very general, because it's safer to be general and wishy-washy around, oh, could you help me? Because then if you get rejection, as well, I didn't really mean it that way. And how do we get confident and really get our brains wrapped around the specifics of the question?
Speaker 2 (27:37)
think ⁓ the first thing is we need to be aware of what's called the bystander effect, right? So what that is is when the best way to explain it is when you see somebody getting mugged on the street or there's a fire or whatever else, everybody else assumes that someone's calling the police. So nobody calls the police, okay? And so when we're really vague on social media or with our family group or whatever about help,
Everybody assumes somebody else is going to help us. Okay. That's the first thing is that we need to be aware that that is a thing. It doesn't mean that everybody around you sucks. That they don't even know that like there's something that they can do right or that somebody else hasn't helped you in the first place. So we need to be aware of that first. The second thing is, is that we need to be aware. Yes, that sometimes
Speaker 1 (28:16)
Right
Speaker 2 (28:32)
Sometimes there will be times when we are very clear about the help we need and no one helps us. And that is brutal. And it isn't anything about us. I mean, we tend to blame ourselves when something like this happens. Like, I'm such a mess up. I picked the wrong people. What's wrong with me? I allowed myself to get into this situation or whatever else. We're so hard on ourselves.
Speaker 1 (28:41)
It is.
Speaker 2 (28:58)
And I think the only way to reframe that kind of situation is to go, okay, I've asked for help. No one's helped me. I've asked in the right way. I've been specific. Okay. So the thing that I can learn from this is, ⁓ number one, this is a very tough learning lesson. And maybe there is something about self-reliance that I can gain from this, or this is life telling me it's time to get some new friends.
Or it's time to find some people who will be there for you. And I think we've all been through periods like that, right? Where we've had to kind of go, okay, I don't think y'all can come with me on this next phase.
Speaker 1 (29:48)
as we up level, then we start reorganizing and relooking at who we're surrounding ourselves with.
Speaker 2 (29:54)
Yeah, but I think if we're being honest with ourselves and you tell me, Lenny, if you disagree, because that's cool. We all have our own experiences, but I tend to find that when we're in a pinch and we are specific and we ask people for specific help and they are like, nah, I can't or whatever else. I think most of the time those friends and family members, we already know that they weren't good for us in a way, and they really didn't have our best interests at heart.
I think on some level we really knew that. ⁓ I do, I do. I don't know. I don't know. You tell me. Yeah. ⁓
Speaker 1 (30:31)
I
think a lot of times in those moments, we look at the capacity of friendship and we can then choose that that person just doesn't have the capacity to be that deep level friend. I've always talked with my close knit friend group around, we want the person that when you get the phone call and they say, okay, we got to bury the body.
And they're like, okay, am I bringing the shovel or do you got one? Like we want those people that are just going to be there and bring what you need. But not every friend and not every person in our life has the capacity to be that deep, to be that let's go, to be that I've got your back no matter what. And there are times in your life that you get to say, okay, I want this person in my life knowing they can't support me in the level that I need, but I'm also going to put up that boundary and know
I'm not going to rely on them to a deep level because they're not going to be there.
Speaker 2 (31:32)
they're
not in that category yet.
Speaker 1 (31:35)
I can choose to still have them in my life, knowing the level of friend that they are or family that they are. And I know that I'm gonna have those few select people that are gonna be really close for me and are gonna have my back no matter what that you can call in the middle of the night that are going to be there. And there are times in your life where you're wading back through and sometimes people do filter in. We're like, ⁓ this person is gonna be the person that's gonna have my back.
And then you have that reach out and they're like, nope. And you feel that betrayal. And I think that's the hardest thing to feel is when you feel like somebody's got you and they don't. And then you're like, ⁓ And then for me personally, the guilt of like, what did I do wrong? How did I make this mistake again? How did I not see that this person wasn't genuine and really go through instead of seeing it as a them problem? Yep. I spent a lot of time in my life turning it as a me problem.
And it's been a long time to really realize, wait, this doesn't say anything about me. It says a lot about them. Yes. I already know me and I know what kind of person I am. And I just learned what kind of person they were.
Speaker 2 (32:45)
Yes, yes, absolutely. I love that point.
And it is a hard thing to kind of go through. And I think you're right about putting up that boundaries. And I think that we can't, know, not everybody, we can't expect everybody to carry us, you know, on their backs or whatever else. We have some friends that are there for movies and cocktails and that kind of stuff. And we have some people who are good at work, you know, who we work with and whatever else. And then we've got like, you know, the people who will, as you said, help us bury the bodies. So yeah.
Speaker 1 (33:17)
Don't know if I should have gone there, but that's where I went.
Speaker 2 (33:20)
That's exactly the phrase I use. That is exactly the phrase I use, so I think you're spot on.
Speaker 1 (33:26)
I literally was having conversation with some friends the other day and that's where we went. We're like, we want the friends that are like, do you have the shovel or do I have the shovel? So that's the level of dark that we go. But you're right in that we do have friends and we can't expect our partners and our friends to be the everything for us.
Speaker 2 (33:45)
100%. We can't be the bottomless pit of need as well. Yes. Where we just keep checking asking and we don't learn from our mistakes. And then it crosses into them. We're asking them to enable us as well. You know, we don't want to do that too.
Speaker 1 (34:01)
Right? Yes. And we do need to have that separation of, we do have those fun friends that go for drinks, that go for movies, but they might not be deeper level friends. You have those work friends that are really fun and we have those conversations and we all have that geek out where our brains just go in that same direction. But again, they're, they might not go for all the personal stuff that we want to talk about. And you know, talking to my bestie, we talk about a lot of stuff, but
she's also not the one that I'm necessarily going to geek out on with work stuff because that's not her lane. That's not her brain. And so it's allowing ourselves to have friendships in different spaces of our lives. And it doesn't have to be a catchall. think one of the biggest toxic things we can do to our romantic relationships is try to get that person to be our everything and not design. Yes.
Speaker 2 (34:54)
in the world.
You will doom your relationship that is so much pressure to put on someone else. The whole point is that you're not just supposed to be growing together, but you are we have a responsibility to each other to to to
stay fulfilled in every you know, in these different areas of our lives and not put so much pressure on our partner to be our one and only that's that's crazy. Nobody can do that. And that's, that is a tough responsibility to put on someone else and they will resent you for it over time. And you cut off your own growth, you cut off your own growth, and you're not the same person you were when you guys got together if you you end up being so dependent on someone.
Speaker 1 (35:41)
Completely agree. Yes. We are designed to, I love the grow together, but we're not enmeshed, right? We each have our journey. We each have our path. We bounce off of each other. Yup. But you know, my partner's healing journey is not my healing journey. Yeah. There are times where I'm like, my gosh, can you just see it? Like, come on, wait for it. He catches up eventually. But even though like I might be on one step, I can't expect him to be right with me the whole time. Yeah.
I can't expect him to come on my journey with me. He's got his own things that he has to learn. So do my kiddos. And that's really hard to take of like, can't just like make sure their life is perfect and nothing else. I can be here to help, you know.
Speaker 2 (36:27)
Yeah, that's the toughest thing.
Speaker 1 (36:29)
struggles,
it is hard.
I'm curious as you kind of highlighted the dots.
Speaker 2 (36:36)
Mm-hmm. Where was yours? Yeah, those dots.
Speaker 1 (36:38)
We started out with the dots. Let's bring it back to the dots. Where was your first dot?
Speaker 2 (36:45)
So the first dot was, let's see, three years after the Steve Jobs situation. So I had been going on the spiritual journey, meditating, doing all this stuff, and I had started healing. let me tell you something, healing is ugly. Healing is not pretty, and healing is not yoga by a waterfall. I am sorry.
Speaker 1 (36:54)
my
Speaker 2 (37:12)
healing is nasty and gross and diabolical. And it's like, just when you think you've got a layer sorted, then you do something happens and you discover you've got so much more under that and it just pulls so much crap. those three years, I was making progress, right? And figuring out who I was and my gifts and what I was supposed to do. But then something would happen and I just be like, are you kidding me? Do you know what I mean? And so I just
Speaker 1 (37:40)
I know exactly what you mean.
Speaker 2 (37:42)
girl. Do you know what you know what it's like when you're just like, no, this isn't real. This is not real. Anyways, so I was just like, so I was just like, you gotta be kidding. Then the pandemic happened. So it's gotten a job writing a feature in animation feature. It was across three because I'm a comedy writer. It was across three different countries. It was very exciting. And I don't know, like,
Speaker 1 (37:49)
Right?
Speaker 2 (38:13)
A month and a half in, ⁓ the pandemic starts ⁓ and the woman whose project it was, who was the major financier, her mom died in that very first wave. when, before it even came to the UK, when we started seeing trucks in Italy and France and I was looking at the news going, this ain't good. Her mom died and because she was in
Paris, think it was. ⁓ so the whole thing was gone and I was like, my God. So I was right back to having no money. And then we went into lockdown and my industry completely collapsed, the film and TV thing. There was no money. There was no production. There was nothing. So I'm here going, my God, what am I going to do with my son going, I have no way of making money.
And then the people who run the building, they were like, oh, we're going to get works done when the lockdown is up. So that's going to be 13 grand you all have to come up with. I was like, gotta be kidding. So anyways, I was like, okay, I need to come up with a way, sharpish to come up with like, I have to find money somehow fast, isolated in my flat with my industry collapsed. So anyways, I was like, okay, what can I do? What can I do? Oh my God, what can I do? So I thought about it for a while.
And ⁓ I was like, well, actually, ⁓ one of the things I'm doing, I was doing at the time was on Twitter, I was getting in touch with lots of screenwriters because nobody was doing anything. We were all just stuck in our houses. So it was amazing because you could talk to screenwriters in LA and all this. It was really cool. So I was doing, was running ⁓ with another guy I know who was a writer. We were running ⁓ a big Twitter conversation, like where all the writers would get together and I was like,
hang on a second, could I teach them something that they don't know that I know? And I was like, well, no, because they're all much better than me. But then I remembered actually, I'm really, I'm really crap at networking. So why don't I get that sorted? I'll figure that out now. And then maybe I'll teach them that I don't honestly, I don't know where this this idea even came from. I think this was ⁓ a bit of divine inspiration or something. But
So what I did was I had all the time in the world, I reverse engineered all my mistakes, right? I was like, okay, why did I mess up in all these emails? What did I do in networking events, for TV events and film events? Why was I having so much trouble? So anyways, I combined that with my experience in standup, because I used to do standup, and ⁓ my special interest, is communication and human psychology. And I made this two hour
networking, a how to network session. I don't even I thought this is going to suck, nobody's going to come. And I did my first one in like July or August. So you know, a couple months, maybe it was June, a couple months into lockdown. And honestly, I thought it was going to suck. And it actually ended up being the best thing ever. It exploded. Everybody was talking about it on social media. And then I started doing them all the time. And now I fly.
around the world doing these network sessions. Now that came from failure, desperation, lockdown, like things that were completely out of my control. And it's odd. So that was like the first thought. I will never ever forget that because I thought for sure, my God, like everyone's going to say this is the biggest waste of time.
Speaker 1 (41:38)
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (41:58)
you know, and whatever else. but no, it ended up being one of the biggest turning points in my life. And that was how many dots that that was failing over and over again at, you know, all of the networking I had done for the previous however many years. And I had only found out two months before I started the sessions, I was autistic. I didn't know I was diagnosed then.
So clearly I had had communication problems and didn't realize that. So there was the failure of networking. was my time ⁓ years ago as a standup, which ⁓ was awful. And that combined. ⁓ And then we have the lockdown. we have, I don't know, the years of reading all those books on communication. ⁓
and everything, so that was a dot. And then right after that, because of lockdown again, and I started getting a little bit braver, and I had written this comedy script, ⁓ my teenage hood in a cult, because I was in a cult church when I was younger. So I wrote this kind of, pardon my French, but in the industry we call this a fuck it script. And what I mean, we're not worried about getting it made because it's too weird or it's too expensive or it's too crazy or whatever else. And I was like, I'm just gonna write the script.
So I wrote the script and I had during lockdown, I had sent it to loads of people and everybody was like, this is, I don't know what to do with this or whatever else. I was like, I wasn't getting anywhere with it. So I was, ⁓ I don't know, watching some videos and somebody said, try something different. Don't do what everybody else does. Just going to get the results. Everybody else does. So anyways, ⁓ I went, I know what I'm going to do. I'm going to find the director instead of just sending this script to everybody else.
Speaker 1 (43:44)
Right.
Speaker 2 (43:54)
So I did, I picked my director and I told my agent, want Tristan Shapiro to direct this. And he's like, well, I want a million pounds, but.
Speaker 1 (44:03)
Yes.
Speaker 2 (44:04)
So
anyways, he was just like, no. And then like two days later, because of lockdown, the Cornwall Film Festival was online and he was the guest and I was like, no way. So I went, I was like, ⁓ and he was like, there was a question and answer and you know, Landi, like if we're being honest, when we're not even listening to what the person is saying, we've just got our hands on the keys because we're waiting to ask the questions. So I like, wait to ask my question anyways. So I got the first question and I was like,
I've already researched you, I want you to write this script, to direct my script. It's called How Others Survive the Apocalypse. What are you looking for in a new script? What makes you, you know, do that? Anyway, so he kind of smiled and he told me the answer. And so I waited a few weeks and then my brain went, email his agent right now. So I emailed the agent and I said, okay, he smirked when I said the title of the script. So I think you will find he is contraptionally obliged to do.
read the script at least. She's like, fine, send it. I didn't expect to hear back, but I did. Three days later, he called me from LA and he was like, who are you? ⁓ my God. ⁓ And ⁓ now we've been in a partnership for almost five years. We've got like a million projects together. He's directed everything from New Girl to Parks and Rec to Community to Superstore to
and then loads of British stuff that I love as well. He's my favorite director. Now that would not have happened, that dot would have not happened if the lockdown, but also I had been, I had missed, I was rejected for ⁓ a sketch show that I had worked on the year before. They were, once the lockdown eased the first time, they were taking advantage of it and shooting the next series. And they didn't ask me back.
And if I hadn't been rejected from that, I wouldn't have had the time to finish the script, to send it out to him and whatever else. that was the second dot. then he, ⁓ Tristram had worked with Olivia Coleman twice and I sent the script to her and she optioned it that weekend, asked me to write a part on it for her. And then I started a partnership with her and her company as well. So I've got a few projects with her too.
Speaker 1 (46:22)
That's incredible.
Speaker 2 (46:24)
That's all from God.
Speaker 1 (46:26)
your question and yeah and all your thoughts. my goodness. I love how you have been able to pull together the struggles.
and to see the dots and to allow us to see how such incredible things can come from really looking at your own struggles. Coming back, I love how you came back to, okay, I am desperate. I need money. I need this to happen. Let's look at my failures to create something big. And even not knowing if it's going to be big. To have the own, the own self-confidence or at least in that moment, bravery.
to push through and say, okay, I'm gonna be the first one to ask the question and I'm gonna put out my script and notice the smirk and follow up. Because I think a lot of the times we don't put ourselves out there because we're afraid of something. I think when we do put ourselves out there, we don't follow up. And you speak kind of as we're wrapping up to that last little bit of following through on you.
Speaker 2 (47:37)
Ooh.
think it really comes down to channeling the stubbornness that we have in us that makes us repeat the same stupid patterns that mess up our lives. This the stubbornness that we have that we have, you know, the self sabotage us, all of those that we are so stubborn. And when it comes to keeping us in the places that we are, if we would just channel a little bit of that.
Speaker 1 (48:03)
Yes.
Speaker 2 (48:10)
into no because look I would love to say, Landy, I you know that yay I made these amazing decisions look at me no what I was like I was just like no it can't be this way it cannot be this way I am not going down with this ship I haven't even had a chance to do well it's five percent of the things that I want to do so I am going to have to
figure it out. And I think the other thing is, ⁓ because really a lot of it comes down to the fear of rejection. And one of the advantages that I have is as a writer, we're rejected 50 million times a week. So I think if you really struggle with rejection, what I would do is gamify it, gamify it and like, because it the more you seek rejection,
Because it hurts at first I know it's painful and sometimes I am waiting to hear back about Saturday Night Live right now about the UK one, you know, there's loads of us that are waiting, we'll find out tomorrow. wow. I don't get that I've been wanting to write on that since the 80s. I will lose my mind but so I know right there are still rejections that hurt but I think if you gamify and go okay, I'm going to reward myself with this one thing if I get 30 rejections this month.
Then it takes away the sting of it, you know what I mean? But something it's a combination of channel your stubbornness. And and just go, No, I'm not accepting that this is it. I am not accepting that this is you know, that this has to be this way, I will figure it out. If I put an annoying, long, painful way, I am going to do that because this isn't it. I will figure out a way and then and then and then
get enough rejections behind you so that you realize when you get one that the sun will come up the next day, the earth will still turn and you will survive it.
Speaker 1 (50:15)
Absolutely. One of my mottos is if I put it out there, the worst they're going to say is no. And I'm right where I am right now. What's going to happen? They're going to say yes and my life changes. So it's putting it out and just being like, well, I'm still the same when they say no. it's okay. And I love that you bring up the sun will still rise. The earth is still going to turn. You're going to still be okay. It might sting.
Speaker 2 (50:27)
Exactly.
Speaker 1 (50:46)
but you're going to go on. And a lot of that can really build to have that stubbornness and be like, okay, well that one was a no, but why not? Why, you know, why can't that happen to me? Why can't I be that star? Why can't I have that podcast? Why can't I have that book? Why not? Why not me? And I love that shift in perspective of why not me? See what changes. And so a lot of it is having that
capacity that you can get turned down and you're going to be okay. And then just continually putting yourself out there and why not me?
Speaker 2 (51:23)
Yeah, this is it babe. Life is short, you know what I mean? don't go, don't go to your deathbed with regrets about not trying things. It's so important people don't realize it. So just keep trying, just keep doing it. And then just keep saying to yourself when you're going through the crap, this is the before story. This is my before story. That's what this is. And that's how you get through it.
Speaker 1 (51:50)
my gosh, Amanda, you're incredible. This has been so
Speaker 2 (51:53)
incredible.
I'm so excited to be talking to you. You're the one doing it, baby. I mean? You know, it's a dream. I love it.
Speaker 1 (52:02)
How are you? It's like so fun to hear all the things that you've done. I know that there are listeners that have resonated so deeply with your words. Will you share how people can continue a conversation with you?
Speaker 2 (52:18)
absolutely. I love to hear from people I get very excited, even though I'm super introverted, like I love to hear how people are doing and what they're up to and how I can help them. So if they want to come to my website, it's www.It'sAmandaGraham.com. So like, ITS Amanda Graham.com.
And I would say, I mean, you can find me on social media. I'm at minefieldness as in M-I-N-E-F-I-E-L-D-N-E-S-S on Instagram and threads. And I'm on LinkedIn as well. But let me tell you, I am not consistent. Look, I'm just going to own it. I am not consistent on social media. I use social media to look at videos of dogs and babies and like recipes. Neurodivergent memes, basically.
Speaker 1 (53:11)
you
Speaker 2 (53:12)
Yeah, so go to my website and there's like my email and everything is on there.
Speaker 1 (53:16)
Perfect. And I will have all of that listed in the show notes. So it's easy access. Amanda, thank you so much for this conversation. I so appreciate you.
Speaker 2 (53:24)
You're not landing. It's been an absolute pleasure and I'm just so excited to talk to you. I just love your episodes and I love what you're doing. It's very exciting.
Landy Peek (53:31)
⁓ Amanda, thank you. Amanda's story proves it. The struggle isn't wasted. It's the setup for what's next. If this hits home, please share it with a friend who needs hope right now. Like Amanda said, when she left sticky notes, we get to be a connector. We get to be that helper where we don't even realize what they need, but we're the perfect person at the perfect time.
to share. And that's what happens sometimes when you share that podcast or you share the book or you say something or you leave a sticky note. You literally change somebody's day. So if somebody crossed your mind while you were listening, go ahead and share it. They're going to appreciate it. And remember what feels like the wilderness today might just be part of your story. And eventually,
not like it helps right now, we'll be able to look back and connect the dots. If you're in the wilderness, my favorite thing to do is to first of all accept where I am. And I literally say, I am here. This is where I am. And because it's so easy to be, I am here and my gosh, nothing's working out. And this is the facts of life that are happening and it sucks.
Instead, I keep it simple. I am here and I have hope. And it's the hope that changes everything.
I have confidence in you to survive the wilderness. I have confidence that you can change your life. It might not be as fast as you want, but every little thing that you do is changing your life. You have the opportunity to do incredible things. Change the world if you want to by just being you.
Our world needs more humans, especially women, who are standing in their own light, in their own power, who are really raw, real, and themselves. And to do this, we have to be safe in our own bodies, safe in our own nervous system, and really allow ourselves to ride the waves, to be lost in the wilderness, and to be okay with I am here right now, and I have hope.
If this episode or any episode really sparks something in you, I would love if you would leave me a review because your words, just like the sticky note, will help someone else in their moment of need. And I really appreciate all that you do and having you in my life. You are making a difference just by showing up.
just by hit and play.
I really want you to know that I do believe in you. And I believe you are smart and you're creative and you are fun and funny and you are worthy and you are deserving. And I am so grateful. I love you and I like you.
Thank you for being here. If, if you're like, yeah, I am ready to take the next step. I'm ready to do something more. Not more as in another class or another book or more therapy, but to have a space that allows me to breathe, that allows me to set down the load to be seen, be held. I would love to invite you into Magnetic Her. The link, the link is down in the show notes.
I want to wish you all the happiness that today can bring. And you, you are the author of your own story. We'll talk to you on the next episode.
Landy Peek (57:47)
Hey, before you go, just a little bit of legal. This podcast is designed for educational purposes only. It is not to replace
any expert advice from your doctors, therapists, coaches, or any other professional that you would work with. It's just a chat with a friend, me, where we get curious about ideas, thoughts, and things that are going on in our lives. And as we're talking about friends, if you know someone who would benefit from the conversation today, please share because I think the more that we open up these conversations, the more benefit we all get. So until next time, give yourself a big hug from me and stay curious.
Because that's the fun in this world.
