Landy Peek (00:34)
Welcome, welcome, this is Landy. And today, I have a very, very special episode.
In the last episode, I shared my journey or aspects of it in creating magnetic her.
And part of that journey was it took me back to therapy. as I explored the parts of me that were resistant to growing, resistant to being seen, resistant to putting myself out there in a big way, this wasn't about going back and looking at all my childhood shit, all the things that typical therapy.
have us sit with. I literally went to the therapist and said, I don't want to do any of that. I just want to focus on this one aspect of me that is creating resistance. That as I sat there and we first opened up our session and my therapist asked, what parts are here with you?
And one of the biggest parts that stepped up was this logical part that was so familiar to me. She's the manager. She's the one that keeps everything together, that keeps me on track, that makes sure everything happens in the way that I need to. And she was the biggest part as she was speaking and saying, I don't get why we're here. I don't get why this is an issue. You've done all of this before.
You've done Instagram lives. You've done Facebook lives. You've made posts with you in the videos. You've gone and done public speaking. Why is this a big deal?
She was really in the masculine mode of let's get it done, Shut up and let's keep moving. And there was another part of me that has been so resistant that just couldn't. And so I'm sharing this today because I truly believe some of our...
deepest, darkest, private secrets are really the most common things we're all struggling with. Because I'm guessing there's been a time in your life where you felt that manager part come out and say, let's just do this. Shut down the emotions, keep moving, do this. You know how to do this. And I'm guessing there's parts of you that have felt resistance. And I'm also guessing there's
some of you or a part of you that wants something more in your life, wants something different in your life, that has big aspirations and dreams, and you're just not reaching them. So this work was not meant to be shared publicly. It was as I healed that I realized these words were mine to begin with, but maybe they're more.
Maybe there's part of them or parts of you that really do need to hear these words. So I decided to share. And so after each therapy session, and I talked through with the parts, with the support of my therapist, I would go right after my therapy session and I would sit and I would write a letter, a love letter to the parts that presented themselves.
during that session.
And I'm going to share something deeply personal with you.
This didn't come from a polished space, but these letters that I'm going to read to you came from a lived experience, from my own raw healing and the conversations I had with my most vulnerable parts.
So you probably have already heard, I hit a wall a few years ago and not a, need a nap kind of tired, but the bone deep emotional exhaustion. I don't even know if it was burnout, but it's this deep level of, ⁓ Now part of it was paramanopause because as I started hormone replacement therapy, yes, my energy came back, but the sense of self wasn't there. The love for life wasn't there.
I'd spent so long holding it all together for everyone else while I shoved my own needs back. It looked good on the outside. I hit all the check boxes, but I still wasn't feeling me. And that manager part, she was really good at doing her job.
So I hit the wall and I had to stop. I pulled back. I let go of the hustle. I let go of the noise, the pressure. And for a year, I focused on my healing. Not just surviving, not just looking good on the outside, but really learning to love the life that I was creating.
A life where my nervous system felt safe and I hadn't realized how much I was living in fight or flight until I allowed my nervous system to really exhale, regulate. I realized like how much I was snapping at my kids because I was overwhelmed.
how much I was gritting my teeth and then numbing myself at the end of the night because my nervous system was just too overloaded.
A life with joy began to emerge. With play, with freedom, with adventures that made me feel like me. And for the first time in a long time, I felt really, really good. Like, I felt like me.
And I loved my life. And then I felt that pull, that desire to grow again, to serve more deeply. I had spent so much of this time really looking at what service felt good and aligned. And I picked up so many different aspects of volunteering where I volunteer with rescue horses.
and I'm a foster mom for kiddies. Things that had nothing to do with people and emotional problems and struggles, but really filled my bucket. I brought back horseback riding and dance into my life. We played music and danced in the kitchen a lot. Went for lot of hikes and bike rides and things that felt fun and good. And I jumped on the trampoline with my kids and we played a ton of board games.
And I really became the mom that I wanted to be. I became the human I wanted to be. I became the partner I wanted to be. And I still wanted more because a part of me is the part that helps humans, that serves, that expands, that's an entrepreneur. And she started calling to me again. She'd been lying dormant for over a year and she was calling to me again.
to serve more deeply, to expand my business, and to share my voice.
and the podcast had really emerged as a way to share my voice.
And I thought, okay, let's do this. And I started to take the steps, bringing back in the structure of business, thinking about strategy. And as I really leaned into business and started to put offers back out, I could feel my whole system shouting, nope, not gonna happen.
I only knew how to do business in a masculine way.
That no, wasn't panic. It was wisdom. It was my system saying instead of pushing, there's something different. And so I got curious and I hired a coach who really supported me in aligning to who I am, how I needed to do business and how I could lean in in a feminine way. And I talked about that in the last podcast episode.
I also went back to therapy. And I glazed over this in the last podcast episode, and I wanna dive in in a deeper way.
And so these letters that I'm sharing today, they were to the parts that were scared to be seen. The ones that whispered, it's safer to stay small. These love letters, each one was written to a part of me that surfaced throughout the process of trying to grow while staying true to my nervous system, my soul, and my truth.
Instead of ignoring these voices, I allowed them to say what they needed to say. I allowed them space and I wrote to them.
It all started with the part that didn't want to be seen, the part that hesitated every time I went to share, the part that didn't want to grow a business if it meant abandoning herself again.
And I'm guessing you felt that part as well. The part who feels like she has to abandon her to do something else that she wants to do. And one by one, these parts made themselves known. And one by one, I wrote to them with compassion and curiosity and tenderness.
At first, I, what? I mean, they literally were not going anywhere. And then I felt the call to share them with a client. And something beautiful happened. She resonated so deeply. These letters put words to things she didn't even know how to say. And so I shared them again. And the same thing happened. So I decided to share them.
in an email series, and now I'm sharing them here.
If you've ever felt the pull between your purpose and your protection, if you've ever wanted more but felt resistance rise up in your chest or your throat, if you've ever struggled to show up as fully as you, these letters are for you.
May they meet you in places that still feel tender. May they remind you you are not alone. And may they open a door to the most important relationship of all, the one that you have with every part of you.
The very first letter that I sat down to write, after that logic part of me stepped aside, and I really acknowledged that there was a part of me that was afraid to be seen, and I'd sat with her.
but when I sat down to write a letter to her.
and the intention to talk to the logic, there was another part that really emerged.
this part.
was the one that felt too big and too much.
She's the one who most of the time was quiet, but she's a big protector. And she'd come out too forcefully where I felt like it was too much. And so I wrote to her.
And here's her letter, a love letter to the fiery one within.
Hi, love. I see there's a part of you who feels too big, too much. She's powerful, fierce, and fiery.
And for a long time, other parts of you have been trying to keep her quiet. Maybe out of fear that if she fully showed up, she'd ruin everything. Maybe because someone somewhere once told you she was too much. But I wanna speak directly to her. Hi there, protector. I see you. I know you weren't born to destroy.
You rage because you care so deeply. You burn things down because you've been ignored, exiled, and told to shrink. And fire is how you've made sure you were never completely erased. You're not bad. You're just tired of not being felt. You've been trying to protect the whole system by forcing space open. You've wanted someone to say,
I see your power. I see your truth. You're allowed to take up space without having to explode to do it.
What would happen if we didn't shut you down, but didn't hand you the steering wheel either? What if instead of burning down everything, you got to help build something sacred? You don't have to fight to be heard anymore. We're listening now and you belong. I know you're tired.
Tired of being ignored until you explode. Tired of being seen only in your fire, never in your fullness. Tired of having to force your way in just to get a seat at the table. But you don't have to protect us like that anymore. You don't have to hold the rage alone. You don't have to burn it all down to be felt. You are not too much. You are power unchanneled.
You are truth unwelcomed. You are life force compressed and it's time to let you expand safely. What if we could hold space for your brightness without making it dangerous? You don't have to fix it. You don't have to lead. You don't have to yell to be heard anymore. You just get to be held, felt, seen.
You are not the problem. You are the one who carried the pain no one else knew how to hold. You protected us. But now you get to rest. We've got you. With love, me.
as she was really seen, really allowed to be seen.
to be heard, be understood.
to be valued.
That part that was too big too much, I could feel her soften in such a deep way.
The next part that surfaced was shame. And she came in quiet after the fire, after the eruption.
She's the part who doesn't rage, but recoils. The one who hides when she's been too loud. When I've been too loud, too emotional, too exposed, too much. She's the one that whispers in the back of my mind, maybe we went too far. Maybe they won't see us the same. So I wrote to her too.
Because healing isn't just about the fire, it's about what rises from the ashes. And this part, the one who wants to disappear, deserves just as much love. A letter to the part that feels shame. Hi, love. I feel you pulling back, shrinking, hiding, wishing you could disappear. I know that when the fiery part explodes,
when the one who feels too much takes over. You're the one who shows up afterward, holding the weight of the aftermath. You feel the heat of regret, the sting of being seen in a moment you wish you could undo. And you brace for rejection. You assume you've gone too far. You believe the story, this is why they leave. But here's what I want you to know.
You're not wrong. You are not broken. And you are not shameful. You are the tender one. The one who learned that safety meant silence. That love was earned through being easy, agreeable, and contained. And when something big breaks through, when truth comes out as fire, you feel responsible for the cleanup.
For smoothing it over. For disappearing again. But love, you don't have to do that anymore. You don't need to carry the shame. You don't need to shrink to make others comfortable. You're not here to be perfect. You're here to be whole. That fire wasn't a failure. She was just a protector, speaking for the parts that never got to. And now you get to be held to.
You're allowed to be seen in your tenderness, in your vulnerability, in the rawness of what it feels like to be human. You don't have to hide. I won't abandon you. You belong, especially now. You're not alone anymore. With so much love, me.
This shame was so incredibly familiar.
She's the one that really, still to this day, comes out and I talk to her. When I hold my boundaries and someone doesn't like it. When I say my truth and someone doesn't agree. There's still that shame that whispers, maybe we should back down. Maybe you shouldn't have done that.
And there's a part of me that now says, no, we were right and it's okay. And thank you for trying to keep us safe.
The goal of this is not meant or designed to silence these parts or get rid of these parts. It's what I so love about internal family systems where the parts comes from is because we're welcoming all of the parts to the table. Come into the circle or stand outside of the circle.
sit in the dark, but share if you want to share. But the goal is not to say shame never come again, but to understand her. And so after the fire, after the shame, there was someone else waiting quietly in the background. She was the little girl inside, the one who first learned to shrink, to be good, to make it easier for everyone else.
She'd been here the whole time. She was watching, she was waiting, hoping someone would come back to her.
When I first met her, she was sitting alone in the dark, in the visuals of my mind. She didn't want to be seen. She was okay if we talked to her through the wall.
And so I came back for her. I wrote her a letter, a letter to the little girl inside. Hi, sweetheart. I see you. You've been holding so much for so long, trying to be good, trying to be small.
Trying not to upset anyone, even when your heart was aching for more.
She's such a tender part of me.
and there is so much empathy for her.
So as the emotion comes up right now, I'm just honoring it and really honoring how much I see her.
You learned how to read the room before you even knew how to read. You figured out how to shrink your feelings to keep the peace.
You carried responsibility that was never yours. I think this.
is so resonant with so many oldest kiddos, especially oldest girls. And somewhere along the line, you decided that your softness wasn't safe. That your bigness was too much. That your needs were a burden. But I want you to know something little one.
You were never too much. You were never a problem. You were always worthy of love, protection, and presence. This is where I really felt her come out of the dark, where she wanted to come climb in my lap, this little girl inside, as I got to write to her. You don't have to be the strong one anymore. You don't have to be quiet to stay safe. You don't have to earn belonging.
You already belong. I'm here now and I'm not going anywhere. You don't have to figure it all out. You just get to be messy, playful, tender, brave, loud, honest, soft. I've got you and I love you exactly as you are. Let's go slow. Let's go gently.
Let's go together with all my love, me, your grown up self.
This little girl, she really exhaled just like I did now.
She went from being in the dark where I could feel her presence, but I couldn't see her to as I wrote this letter, as I really spoke to her, to coming out into the light, climbing in my lap, ready to play.
When we speak to our parts, when we get curious about them, when we really acknowledge them, it's allowing us to see that whatever's coming up for us is not a whole. It's not that all of me is anxious or all of me is scared or all of me is mad, right? I mean, if you think about it, your big toe's probably not mad, but it's allowing you to really understand the different
and beliefs that are inside of you. It's like having a conversation with a friend or your child.
There's a reason that we go gently in this space of healing because real healing, it doesn't happen through force. It happens in safety. It happens when the nervous system says, okay, maybe it's safe enough to now feel this. When we begin this kind of deep inner work, and this doesn't mean it's hard work. When one part starts to share,
Other parts often start stirring too.
the fiery one came out. The perfectionist, which is my logic. The grieving one, because there is grief. And that little girl. And then there's a part that whispers, it's too much. I can't do this. I want to go back. And this part came out big for me where I'd sat and written my letters and I'd done some therapy and she came out.
And she's like, maybe this isn't a good idea. And that part isn't resisting, she's protecting and she's overwhelmed. She's trying to hold all of it together in silence until she simply can't.
And I think this is the part that gets labeled as self-sabotage, where she's not sabotaging you. She's not keeping you from what you want. What she's doing is trying to protect you in the only way she knows how. And so when we give her voice, we can see why she's reacting the way she is and really honor her.
And that's why we move slow. It's why this process took me six months.
It's why I sat on programs and sent out emails barely to people and hid.
This part of me taught me so much and it's why we pause. And it's why in my own personal life and in the work I do with other humans, we build safety first, not just in your mind, but in the body. This is why as I sat with Magnetic Her, my new experience, it had to be a year long.
because this part of me reminded we can't rush our nervous system. This part of me reminded this is why I did great when I had coaches that pushed me, but as soon as the coaching contract ended, I started sliding back. This is why I bought courses that I never finished because she came in.
She needs more space, more softness, more time to feel safe enough to come forward. So when the part of you who wants to disappear shows up, when the part of you that feels like self-sabotage comes into play, I want you to know she's not wrong and she's not weak. This is nothing about pushing harder. And that's what a lot of coaches and family and friends say to do.
And this is what I did. My logical part, she's really good at this. She overrides. Shut down the emotions, keep moving. But the parts that's creating the resistance, she's just been caring too much, too quietly, for too long. The letter that follows is for her, because even the parts that want to hide deserve a place to land.
This is the part that I first sat down and said, let's do this. The part that I was gonna write to, but all of the other parts came first. It's cause she wasn't ready. So a letter to the one who wants to hide. Hi love, I feel you pulling back, wanting to disappear, whispering, this is too much. It's always too much. And you're not wrong. Sometimes it really is too much.
Sometimes all the noise inside feels like more than one heart should have to hold. When the fire comes, when the grief rises, the perfectionist spins, you're the one quietly hoping everyone would just hold it together.
because you don't have the capacity to hold one more thing.
You've been the one holding the invisible overwhelm, the internal shutdown, the quiet plea for space, not because you don't care, but because you're trying to survive the emotional storm with no shelter. So let me say this clearly. You don't have to disappear. You don't have to pretend. You don't have to be the container for all the chaos anymore. You're allowed to step back without abandoning yourself.
You're allowed to ask for space without vanishing completely. You're allowed to say, this is too much for me right now and still be deeply loved. You're not the problem. You're the one who's asking for pause. And I hear you. Let's go slow. Let's find your rhythm. Let's build something sustainable together. You're not alone in this anymore. I'm right here.
and I'll hold what you can't until you're ready to come out from hiding. With love and protection, me, your grounded, spacious, unshakable self.
This is the part that I didn't even realize was there. I didn't realize the job she was doing for me. That it took space and time for her to actually speak.
She was the one that really wanted to pull back and hide, was the huge resistance. But she wasn't alone because before we grow, we often contract. And that's what happened to me. Just when I thought I was ready to expand, to be seen, to lead, to let it be big, I even had a program ready to go.
I loved it. I was so in love with it. Another part of me pulled back hard.
So I slowed down again. I gave her space. I listened. And beneath the fear, hands beneath the fear of being too much, beneath the overwhelm of doing it right, was this, a part that I had learned. It's never been safe to speak your truth. Not for you.
and not for the women who came before you.
what I hadn't realized and in a lot of our healing and a lot of our journeys, we are carrying ancestral trauma. We are carrying what has happened to our mothers and our grandmothers before us. And one of the really interesting things that came to me, it's one of those funny serendipitous moments, right? There was a study that I discovered.
And in this study, it was a study on rats or mice. I can't remember which. And they had pumped in the scent of cherry blossoms. And as they pumped in the scent of cherry blossoms, they shocked the rat. I'm pretty sure it was a rat. They shocked the rat.
And then because rats multiply rather quickly, they waited two generations.
And they then, with the grandchildren of that first rat, they pumped in the scent of cherry blossoms. And do know what happened? Those grandchildren had a physiological reaction to the scent waiting for the shock. Their bodies had remembered the shock. The really incredible thing is, if you think about it,
you were inside your grandmother, your maternal grandmother. As your mother...
at four months gestation. Female fetuses have all of their eggs, four months. And so what happened to your grandmother during her pregnancy with your mother is instilled in your genes.
And so genetically, you are receiving information in your own body right now from what happened to what your grandmother experienced in her life. And then of course, what experiences your mom had because your eggs were inside of her. And it was just like this, yes, this makes so much sense because some of this fear.
struggle, anxiety, it isn't mine. And so it was really honoring that there was a part of me that had learned it's never safe to speak my truth. And it wasn't just for me, it was for the women who came before me. That standing strong means standing alone. That it's better to stay small than risk being cast out. So this letter is for her.
For the one who carries the fear of rejection, inherited and lived. For the one who tries to protect me by keeping me hidden, maybe you have a part like that too. If so, let this love letter land wherever it needs to. You're not alone in this, rebuilding safety one truth at a time.
This letter is for the one who fears rejection. Hi love, I feel you holding your breath again, wanting so badly to share your truth and equally terrified of what might happen if you do. I know this isn't just your fear, it's in your bones, it's in your lineage, it's in the way you learn to stay safe by staying small, agreeable, and quiet.
You've seen what happens when women rise, speak, shine too brightly. You've seen them silenced, mocked, pushed out. You felt it too. The cold edge of disproval when you dared to want more. So now when growth starts to stir, when expansion calls your name, you brace for the fallout. And I get it. Because standing tall in your truth has felt like a risk.
It's felt like losing love, losing safety, losing connection to the people you needed most. But what I want you to know is you are not too much. Your power is not a problem. Your truth does not make you unlovable. You don't have to disappear to be accepted. You don't have to water yourself down to belong. I see you, brave one. Not because you're fearless, but because you keep showing up
even with the fear. I will not rush you. I will not shame you.
I will stay right here while you breathe through the ache of being seen.
And when you're ready, we'll rise together, not in defiance, but in truth, in power, in deep rooted safety. Because your truth is sacred and you're no longer alone. With so much love, me, you're grounded, unwavering, fully seeing self.
This part is still tender as she shares, as she still feels that little sense of, ⁓ this is big and this is going out and this is sharing a lot. Am I going to be rejected?
And as I wanted to share this letter, it was because I know a lot of us, and perhaps you too, have felt the fear of rejection.
have felt that as you share your truth, as you share your beliefs, as you share you, you will be rejected. And perhaps because you have been, there has definitely been moments in my life where this is real, where I have stepped into sharing my truth or standing and holding a boundary, and I have been rejected. This is in my lifetime.
I also know that my ancestors have had that experience as well. So part of this is on truth, on experience, and part of this is on worry and anxiety of what could happen.
This was the last letter that I'm sharing right now. Not the last letter I wrote, but this space, this last fear of rejection, she was the one that needed to be seen and heard and valued before I could share. And what I hadn't even realized until my coach messaged me and she's like, my gosh, I love seeing your face on the videos again.
I had quietly started, through this process, making Instagram videos. And one of the things my coach had shared is treat Instagram like a scrapbook. Just share parts of your life. And it turned out to be really fun.
I started taking videos of the horses, of hikes, of things in my life. And I do voiceovers. So I wasn't seen, but I was starting to be heard and they were fun. And then without even realizing it, I created a video that my daughter took and my husband took. just gave him my camera. I just had given my daughter and my husband, my phone saying, I want to get more videos. So just take videos of us doing things.
And I shared a video that had me in it. And my coach was the one that noticed the shift that after I had written a letter
to the part that was afraid to be seen, to the part that was afraid to be rejected, those letters helped me be seen. Those letters helped me really feel okay being visible. So if something stirred in you while hearing these letters, if a part of you softened, felt seen, and quietly exhaled for the first time in a long while, I want you to know that these words
They are your own truth rising to the surface.
These love letters weren't written from a strategy. They came from the quiet, from the spaces inside me where shame once lived, deep and unspoken. And she's still there, but feeling a lot more supported.
parts of me that thought they had to stay small to be safe. The ones who were told they were too much, too loud, too sensitive, or just too everything. The ones that carried shame like a second skin, believing something was wrong with them for feeling so deeply.
Because here's the truth I've come to know. Shame doesn't mean you're broken. It means there's a part of you that needed love and never got it. A part that learned to hide because it didn't feel like it belonged. These letters were how I began to offer those parts something new. Not a fix, but a home. And that's really where Magnetic Her was created from.
And that's what it is. It's not a program. It's a sacred homecoming.
As I sat with my coach around like, what is magnetic her? As this experience came pouring forth as I sat in nature and sat with my horses and.
really let this incredible experience pour out of me.
She's like, what is it? And I said, I don't know. I don't even know what to call it. Experience is the closest I think I can come. It's a becoming. It's a homecoming.
It's a space where your nervous system can finally exhale, where shame no longer silences your power. It softens in the light of your truth, where you don't have to fight your fear to expand because even your fear is welcome here.
This isn't about pushing forward or forcing growth. It's about a space to anchor in, creating a life and a way of being that includes all parts of you. Even the parts that still flinch, even the parts that carry shame, even the ones that don't feel ready, because just like me, you were never too much and you never needed to carry it all alone.
And I wanted a space where you don't have to.
And I know I created one in Magnetic Her.
So I invite you to trust the timing. You didn't find this by accident.
if your heart is whispering, I'd be honored to walk this next chapter with you.
If you're interested in learning more about Magnetic Her, I would love to have you join me in it. There's a link below in the show notes for a sales page that's written in a Google Doc that I wrote more as a love letter where the first time I released it to my email list, I sent it to my coach after. And she's like, you don't even have what's in it. And the cool thing is what...
Somebody had already signed up and I was like, ⁓ I'd written about the emotional experience, but I actually hadn't included what was in it. And it had resonated so deeply, somebody had already signed up and it was like, ⁓ this is what people need. So there is an updated, it's still on a Google Doc. It doesn't need fancy, you don't need fancy. If this is for you, you already know. This isn't about selling or tricking you or anything. This is about...
If this is for you, you already know.
but the updated version does have what is included and how it's run and all of those details. So if you're interested, it's in the link in the show notes. If you would like a copy of these letters for you so that you can read them, there's also a link in the show notes because we all learn differently. We all resonate differently. And while some of us may really connect by hearing other
connect by reading. And I want both to be accessible to you.
Thank you for being on this journey with me. This podcast is really being an evolution of me and my story. And I really appreciate you for being witness. And I hope that what has been said resonates with parts of you and really gives them the support that they need, especially to know that you're not alone. And as always.
Because we don't hear it. And research has proved that hearing a you statement is more powerful than an I statement. So I want you to hear you are smart. I believe in you. You are creative and talented and fun and energetic and amazing. And the world needs you in your truth, in yourself, in your wholeness, in your messiness, in
The exhaustedness in wherever you are right now is exactly where it's okay to be. And I love you and I like you. And I wish you all the happiness that today can bring. And I'll talk to you on the next episode.
Landy Peek (48:09)
Hey, before you go, just a little bit of legal. This podcast is designed for educational purposes only. It is not to replace any expert advice from your doctors, therapists, coaches, or any other professional that you would work with. It's just a chat with a friend, me, where we get curious about ideas, thoughts, and things that are going on in our lives. And as we're talking about friends, if you know someone who would benefit from the conversation today, please share.
Because I think the more that we open up these conversations, the more benefit we all get. So until next time, give yourself a big hug from me and stay curious because that's the fun in this world.
