Landy Peek (00:00)
Welcome to the Landy Peak podcast. I'm your host and friend, Landy Peak, and I am thrilled to have you join me. In each episode, we will explore what makes life truly fulfilling, happiness, deep connections, and self-discovery. Together we'll uncover that happiness is not a destination, but a way of living. Now let's dive into today's episode.
Landy Peek (00:31)
Hello and welcome back to the Landy Peak podcast. This is your friend and host, Landy Peak, and I wanna say hello to the beautiful souls listening today. I'm really grateful that you are here today because this is a conversation that I think is one that we all need.
I wanna talk about communication, but not in the typical, say this, not that way. Today's episode is about the deeper layer, the one underneath the words, the one where so much misunderstanding and disconnection can live, or where healing and truth can begin, because here's something I've been sitting with.
We're not just talking to people. We're talking to everything that they've carried up until this moment. And there's a quote that's been echoing in my heart since I heard it. And it's from Jefferson Fisher. In his book, The Next Conversation, if you haven't read it, I highly recommend it. He said, you're not talking to the person in front of you.
You're talking to their stress. You're talking to their past experiences. You're talking to their anxiety. You're talking to their pain. You're talking to what they're going through right now.
Just let that land for a minute.
This was like the, my gosh, realization when I heard this quote.
Because the last few weeks, I have felt like I've had a lot of miscommunications where simple things like trying to figure out things with my husband, like last night, I volunteered a horse rescue on Thursday nights and I was out there and one of the horses was in pain and
It wasn't something I felt I could just leave. So what should have been a somewhat quick in and out where we knew the time frame and I was supposed to be home by six and it was 6 15 and I had no idea when I was going to get out.
I was on the phone with my husband, letting him know what was happening. And I was distracted. I was focused on the horse. I had my own things that were going on. And he did too, because all of the sudden, where he thought I was gonna be home for dinner and be able to help with all of the nighttime routine, I wasn't there. And so he's trying to just communicate and figure out what's...
what's what and what needs to be done. And he was doing it in a way that was more of a storytelling. We weren't getting to the point. We were miscommunicating, right? And I was getting frustrated and it felt like we were arguing. And I was like, I don't want to argue right now. I don't have time to argue right now. I need to focus here. And he didn't see it as arguing at all. He didn't feel like we were arguing. And it's those miscommunications because he's talking to someone.
that has a lot on her plate and I'm talking to somebody who also has a lot on his plate and we're not talking to the people that we're actually talking to. We're talking to the stress.
We're never just talking to the surface. We're speaking to their entire story. So today I want to talk about bringing more compassion, more presence, more understanding and more real connection into our conversations because every single one of us is carrying something that we can't see. Maybe it's a lot of stress because they're afraid they're going to lose their job.
Maybe it's grief because they just lost somebody incredible in their life. Maybe it's anxiety because of everything that's going on in the world. Maybe it was a conversation from earlier that left them feeling unseen, undervalued.
I think about a couple of weeks ago, I was picking up my contacts and I had a really awful engagement with the person behind the counter. And I had felt like she was so incredibly rude to me. And in that moment, I am somebody who typically gives people a lot of grace,
Right, we're not meeting somebody at the surface level that maybe she's having a bad day. But in that moment, I was also somebody that was having a bad day and had stress and all of that on my own. And her rudeness was something that I just didn't let go. And so I commented on it. And in my mind, I was standing up for myself.
Something that I've not been really good at doing in my life. I've been really passive in a lot of parts of my life. And here's this new found courage and this new energy. And I'm not gonna let people treat me in ways that I don't feel like I should be treated. So here's the thing. We were communicating with the people who were not actually standing in front of us, both the person behind the desk and me. And
There are so many better ways that I could have communicated. So many different ways that I could have addressed what I felt like was rude behavior in a way that wasn't feeling triggered. Taking a breath before I spoke instead of just being, you can't talk to me like that. You don't need to yell at me. I can hear just fine.
wasn't super helpful because when I said, don't need to yell at me, I can hear just fine. It set her off even more. So here we go into the spiral versus taking a step back, taking a breath. And when I heard this quote, it really helped me take that step back and let go of some of the anger and the grumpiness around that interaction where I don't know.
what she was bringing into the interaction. Maybe the customer before me had been super rude to her. And so she's feeling off and so she's already snappy and we've all been there, right? You're snapping at family members, cause that's the most common scenario. You're snapping at family members because you had a hard day at work, because you're stressed, because you're overwhelmed. And maybe she was, maybe the person before her was super snappy.
Maybe she's stressed or grieving or has anxiety. I don't know her story, but I dealt with the person I was seeing and not the person behind.
Maybe the person that we're dealing with has years of feeling misunderstood or judged or not enough. Maybe there's a silent heartbreak that they haven't even told anyone about. I had a therapist who once said that we each are carrying an invisible backpack full of rocks. And most people don't even realize that they're wearing it, but it's there.
and it weighs on their shoulders and shapes their tone and tightens their jaw and closes their heart. And when we're in a conversation, especially in the moments of tension or disconnection, we're not just reacting to the person standing in front of us. We're reacting to their backpack and everything they're carrying. And they're reacting to ours because we're bringing it into the conversation. When you really start to see that,
It changes so much. It creates space for compassion. You know, I do a lot of inner child work myself and with clients and one of the biggest things that comes up with that is defending parents, not wanting to blame parents. And when we can come to the space of they had their own invisible backpack that they're carrying full of their own rocks, full of their own stresses.
We don't have to blame anyone, right? We get to see our parents as humans who have their own stuff that they're carrying. We get to see the checkout person who is disconnected and snappy as a person who's carrying their own baggage of stuff. We get to see our partner when we're just having those misconnections and I feel like we're arguing, but we're not really arguing because we're not just
seeing them. We get to see that they're also carrying a load of unseen things. What if we could create a space for compassion, for slowing down, for curiosity instead of assumption? So often, miscommunication doesn't come from the words themselves. Have you ever thought about that? Where you get upset and it's not the words.
In this particular case with the person behind the counter, for me, her words were, okay. It was the tone. And did you know, so funny, I used to get in trouble all the time when I was younger for my tone. And I would be saying, I don't have a tone. There's no tone. I don't mean or intend to have a tone. But the tone would be there. And it's because.
We hear our own voice because it's vibrating with our bones. Have you ever heard your voice on a recording and go, my gosh, is that me? It's because the vibration in our own head is how we hear the sound. And that vibration in our own head is deeper than what a recording is. So we might not necessarily hear a tone where someone else could hear a tone. I've also talked about the tone on my,
now husband's voicemail when we were dating. And when we were dating at first, same voicemail, still has the same voicemail to this day, 20 years later. But when we first started dating, I used to love that sound of that voicemail. I would call it when he worked nights just to say good night, but to hear his voice. And then we broke up for a period and I'd have to call and I'd get his voicemail and he sounded such.
Like an asshole is the same recording. It's my interpretation. So our miscommunication, doesn't come from words. It comes from the meaning that we're attaching to them. It comes from the filters that we're hearing them through. It comes from our nervous system and our nervous system and our, our concerns and our stories are wrapping up into am I safe or am I not?
Am I being judged or am I not? Am I allowed to be honest? Am I okay? We have our past stories that we're wrapping into this.
with the interaction, could there have been a trigger where she said something that just queued in to something that I've experienced in the past that just tips me off to, have to defend myself, which is kind of where I went. Did I actually have to defend myself? Probably not. Probably would have been an okay interaction if I had just like said, she's grumpy and gone on. And without even knowing it, we are bringing our past into the present moment.
You might say, hey, can we talk about something really quick? I've done this to my husband, right? And hey, can we talk for him? And I had to be very careful when we first started dating. If I said, hey, can we talk for him? That meant it's going to be a bad conversation. We're gonna break up. That wasn't my intention at all. We're all bringing our own stories into each interaction. And so,
When I would say, can we talk about something or hey, can we talk, his mind goes into you're in trouble. This is going to be bad. We're going to break up.
And maybe that's because growing up that phrase always meant conflict. Or maybe that's an experience that they've had with a past relationship. And then they pull away. And then I think, well, they don't care. But what's really happening? They're overwhelmed. They're scared. They're tired. They've never been taught how to stay open in hard moments, right? It's a learned skill. We assume people are showing up
fully available and regulated. But most of us are not at all available emotionally and regulated. We're trying to survive the day. And for me, it takes a lot of time with myself, a lot of work on myself to be in a space where I am available emotionally to talk about things.
where my nervous system is fully regulated. And it also takes the circumstance. I have an easier time when I'm sitting down with a client to be in an available, regulated space. Then I am at the end of the day when my husband's trying to talk to me about something. Because most of us are just trying to survive the day. So what do we do? How do we show up with more presence? How do we speak in a way that honors
the humanness in each one of us, not just the behaviors. We react to the behaviors really well. We see the behaviors for what we think they are. We see the behaviors for what we think they are.
just got off the phone with my bestie. And she's such an incredibly wise human being. I love her so much. And she said, it is easy to see people's needs when they are physically visible. It's easy to see when someone's in pain. It's easy to see when someone needs food. It's easy to see when someone needs new clothes. It's easy to see when somebody needs a bath.
But we too often project based on what we see, what we think they need.
Think about that one. How many times are we projecting what we think that someone else needs based on what we see?
But what if instead we got really curious and when we had somebody be snappy, when we have attitude coming at us, I know as having a preteen, sometimes that attitude gets really big. And most of the time that attitude has nothing to do with me, but everything to do with what she's carrying home from school. What if we got really curious in each of our interactions showing up with
love and openness as much as we are capable in that day, also knowing that we are carrying things. But really started asking, what's going on behind the scenes?
Can I take a breath before I react? Can I take a pause? Jefferson Fisher in his book says, your first word should be your breath. I love this. I use this because that moment where instead of spewing something, I take that moment to inhale and exhale. It calms my system. It gives me a moment to think. And then I'm not just reacting.
I can interact with who they are and what's being presented. So can you pause before you say something? Can I breathe before I assume? Can I remember that this moment, this one exchange might be hitting an old wound for them and they might not even realize it? Ugh! I look back at that interaction with the eye doctor, at the eye doctor, and I'm like, huh, I wonder if there's something there.
That I hit a wound or she hit a wound. But there was some wounds. And it wasn't intentional on either part.
in that moment where she responded sharply, I didn't take a breath. I didn't pause. I didn't think. I reacted with a gut reaction. And it was to get defensive. It was to stand up for myself.
But what if I had run that differently? What if instead I had gone to a personal level?
taken a step back. I love physically moving myself back. I noticed because I'm on video while I'm working with clients on Zoom that I do sit back, giving myself and them more space. But what if I took a step back? I took a breath and I said, how's your day going? I typically start a lot of conversations.
genuinely curious about how people's days are going and what they're doing and I have a lot of conversations with people. My daughter gets so frustrated with me because she's like everywhere we go you're talking to somebody. She's like it's easier to go with dad he just doesn't talk to people.
But what if I had taken that moment and say, how's your day going? What's happening for you right now? Having more gratitude, hey, thanks for helping me. It goes so far. I say thank you so many times a day. It's so funny because even when I ask Suri or Alexa for anything, I'm thanking them. And I love that Suri responds, you're welcome.
But it would have shifted everything because I would have seen her for what's behind the person actually standing in front of me with a sharp tone. Did she really have one? I don't know because it hurt. I heard it. Was it intentional? I don't know, but I heard it because it wasn't about me. Whether she had a sharp tone or not, it wasn't about me. I didn't do anything.
in the 30 seconds that I stood in front of her and said, I'm here to pick up my contacts.
It was everything about her stress, her pain, her own invisible backpack, and my invisible backpack reacting to what I thought I heard.
Sometimes the most loving thing that we can do is to not take it personally. I love Mel Robbins, let them. Just let them. I should have just let her be grumpy. Not allowed it to shift to me. Not picked up what she was putting down.
One of the greatest things that I heard was, just because somebody has invited you into an argument does not mean you need to accept the invitation. Just because there was snappiness and rudeness going out, I didn't have to pick it up. I chose to pick it up subconsciously, but I chose it. I could have let it just drop to the ground. Ignored the snappiness, kept on with my day.
Somebody being rude isn't a character flaw. Somebody being snappy or short isn't a character flaw. It's a cry for care. It's saying, I'm hurting right now. I'm having a hard time. I need more.
So I've been practicing to bring in more presence into my conversations.
And it's things that I have naturally learned to do in my therapy sessions, in my coaching sessions, in working with other humans. When I really brought it in to my life, when I was working with kiddos who were having major tantrums, and as they got big and loud, I would ground and soften. That doesn't mean I shrunk. It doesn't mean that I'm taking up less space.
It means that I am a space that's safe.
And I can use this with my kids when I am in a good space. And I lose it when I'm cranky and tired and hungry and all that kind of stuff, like humans do. if you can allow yourself to pause and ground, to take a breath, to have your first word be your breath, as Jefferson Fisher says, to soften your body, to come into the now and the present. I remember when my kiddos
were little and they'd be such big tantrums and I would sit quietly next to them with an open hand posture like I'm open to a hug.
And 99 if not 100 % of the time, the tantrum would calm and they would crawl in my lap.
So it's giving that safe space. It's allowing emotions to flow. Emotions are regulation. We say that they're not okay. The big tantrum, that's just expelling a lot of energy. But we have the tie to it's not okay, but it is. Emotions are helping us regulate. And when we don't allow ourselves to have emotions, then we're not regulating. We're stuffing it in. We're creating more tension and stress.
So allowing yourself to pause and ground allows so much more connection.
Landy Peek (23:51)
Here are few things that I've been practicing to bring in more presence, understanding, and empathy into my conversations. So the very first thing that has helped me immensely is to pause and ground, just to take a breath, allowing my body to soften, allowing me just a moment to think before I react.
And especially with kiddos who have a lot of emotions, this has been a game changer because I'm really giving myself space and them space in that moment. And I've noticed on both sides, behaviors have changed. I'm coming into the now. So as Jefferson Fisher says in his book, your first word should be your breath.
And so I'm consciously taking that breath. I'm consciously taking that breath before I even think if I'm in that space of arguing in my head. Because as I take that breath, as I am arguing an argument by myself in my head, it allows me that pause to say, hold on, is this really a good use of my time?
The next big thing that I have really brought into my life is asking instead of rushing. Instead of assuming that the other person is ready for the conversation, asking is now a good time to chat or can we schedule a time to chat?
It's allowing space to come in. It's not hitting my husband as he walks through the door with whatever is bothering me, with whatever we have to deal with, whatever we have to decide as we're currently trying to plot and plan summer vacations. I'm spending time during our work days, plotting and planning. And then even though this is a fun thing,
Vacations are stressful because of all of the planning and all the to-dos and we're seeing family and blah, blah. And it really comes down to, I might be really excited, but he might've had a rough drive home. So allowing him to walk in, allowing him to have space, and then figuring out a time to have a conversation, it doesn't have to be about negative things, right? This doesn't have to be, we have to really solve our relationship problems. It can be,
I really want to figure out our vacation time and giving space around that.
One of the biggest things asking my kids, especially my kids, is what do need from me right now? Coming to, do you need a hug? Do you need me to hear you, to just sit and listen? Or do you need me to help you? I have found that asking those three questions, do you need a hug? Do you need me to hear you? Or do you need me to help you? Have been real game changers.
because I am as a mom really good at sweeping in. I'm a really big hugger and my kids don't always want to be hugged and I'll solve problems, but that doesn't necessarily meet their needs. So it's allowing the space, allowing them to guide me in what they need and our interactions have been so much better.
because sometimes we just need to hold space without fixing. And this is so hard as a therapist because like I went to school to help people solve a problem. I spent a lot of time, energy and money to help people solve problems.
But a lot of times people don't want their problems solved. They want to be heard. They want to just process. They want to be able to talk through and just be able to have that sounding board and often the empathy. I hear you. I see you. That's really hard. That must be really hard. That must be so difficult for you.
Right? A lot of times we just want someone to say, yeah, this sucks in life right now.
One's my favorite is bringing curiosity in. I'm so good at this in my sessions with my clients, but as we sit with those that we love, bringing in that curiosity is key. When we're coming in and not seeing each other as against each other, right? If I'm having an argument with my kiddos or my husband, this isn't him against me.
most often we're reacting because of something else.
You know, what is going on for them? I'm curious. Like, this was big the other day. I picked up my kids from school and I had said something to my daughter in the car and got a really big response that didn't fit what I had said. So instead of me getting reactive, I took a breath and I got curious and I thought, huh.
I wonder what's gone on for her in her day. And it ended up being something pretty big and emotional for her. And so we don't always find those things out right away, right? It took getting home from school, having dinner, finally at bedtime, when things get calm and things get quiet. That's when she talks to me about, hey, this happened to me today. And she'd held it in all day because that's what we do.
We hold in our stress. hold in our upset. We don't want other people to see it. And then it just kind of eats away.
the first thing that I asked was, does she need a hug? Does she need me to hear her or does she need me to help her? And she said, I need you to help me. And so we really sat together and talked about responses. If this situation comes up again, what are responses that she can have ready, that we can rehearse, that we can practice, right? Communication is a skill.
We take it for granted that we just are able to communicate, but we're not able to communicate well most of the time, right? It's a skill. It's something that we learn. And as we see it as a skill, as we see it as something that we can learn, as something that we can rehearse, and we don't want to rehearse things in our head over and over to be like having an argument, you know, ready to throw out the zinger, but more in having the...
confidence to be assertive, having the confidence to be direct, having the confidence to stand up for yourself. That rehearsal, that practice of the words is really not to plan out how to win an argument.
but instead how to feel confident with your voice. And so when in doubt, if we're able to step back, take a breath.
and get curious.
put out there that they're doing the best they can with what they know, what they're carrying, what they have with the situation.
I really understand that.
really be in a space where it's like, okay, they are doing the best that they can. And you know what? You are doing the best that you can and I am definitely doing the best that I can. And in those moments when I lose it, in those moments when I really snap at my family, in those moments where I just can't do it anymore and I have to pull away, or I just don't respond to the email because
It's just too much for me in that moment. It's recognizing my nervous system isn't in the space. It's recognizing that I am feeling a little overwhelmed or down or unhappy or whatever it is. And then that snappy response was probably the best that I could do. And I also am learning new skills and tools that can help me so I don't have those regrettable
interactions as often. I'm never going to be perfect. I'm never going to not snap at people. Unfortunately, it's going to happen because I am going to be tired and hungry and stressed. And there is going to be that thing that just pushes me over the edge. And I own it. I own that it is not that other person that pushed me over the edge. It is just one more thing that my nervous system just couldn't handle. And that was it. So it's not beating myself up after.
But sometimes that rehearsal when we're rehearsing our communication is going back and replaying it in a way that really felt better to us. Instead of snapping, seeing myself take a breath. I've been doing this
As I listen to Jefferson Fisher's book, I over the last year have had some tense communication with different people and communication that I wished had gone differently. That I wish I had responded in a different way. That as I listened to his book, I can see that if I had responded, if I had taken a breath, if I had not taken it as a personal attack,
If I had just stepped back and been in my own grounded self, I would have reacted in a very, very different way, which could have, not saying it would have, but could have led to a different outcome. Because we all have that space. We've all had those times where we've lost it.
And we can learn from those communications. We can give ourselves more tools, more resources to be able to react in different ways in the future.
And honestly, that breath is huge. So today I invite you to really see that the person in front of you is not really the person you're speaking to. That the person in front of you is more than just their words and their tone and their interactions.
Allow yourself to get curious about their story. Allow yourselves to feel their humanity, that they are human.
And they are probably doing the best that they can. And we don't know what they're carrying. And we don't know the interactions that happened before us.
let that curiosity really guide you in how you show up. Because if we come to the space of we are not enemies, because most of our interactions, we're really not enemies, especially with those that we love, we actually are rooting for the same thing.
Because when we allow ourselves to soften, when we stay curious, when we choose to be in the present moment over our ego, over being right,
Over having the last word, because when we have the last word, that's often where we've just one up the nastiness. We don't just change our interactions. We don't change the conversations that we're having. We change how we're relating to other people, which in turn changes our relationships with other people.
We can create that safe space for people to share, for people to land. We can create healing within ourselves and within the communication and interactions with others and within the other people. As we are shifting and changing how we see them, this doesn't mean getting it perfect, but it can mean seeing them in a different light.
seeing that that nasty comment about you probably had nothing to do with you.
Seeing that when your kiddo snaps at you after school, not punishing them because they were rude, but understanding that there's probably something more going on.
And just with this curiosity, with this pause, with a breath, maybe you can give someone the gift of being seen, really seen, really heard for the first time in probably a really long time.
because that's what we all want. Deep down, we all wanna be seen and heard and valued. None of us want to have a fight. None of us want to have those tense interactions that we end up with and then we're in that awkward place of we haven't quite made up, but you know, how do we deal?
we can see that other humans don't always have the best communication skills.
and that when somebody is avoiding you, it's probably because they don't know what to say. Or they have had their feelings hurt or they feel threatened in some way by something that you said that you might not even realize is a trigger for them because you don't know the story.
So today, I invite you to take a breath as your first word.
I invite you to live in curiosity and to see someone in front of you who is being a difficult person as a person who is having a difficult time. I want to thank you so much for joining me in this conversation. If this episode stirred something in you, I'd love to hear from you. I'm also going to ask you to do a favor.
I would love to grow this podcast.
If you would share it, leave a review, and help someone else, it would mean the world to me. Because if every listener shared it with just one person, left a review so someone else can hear how much this conversation has helped you.
you can change someone's life that you don't even know. And isn't that incredibly powerful? Just to think that each conversation we have has the possibility of changing someone's life that you will never meet. Each time you leave a review for me or someone else, you are leaving the possibility that you will change someone's life that you will never meet.
you share this podcast, you are changing somebody's life that you have met and you do care about. And if you receive this podcast as a share from someone else, that is so awesome because it means that they care about you. It means that they want a better, deeper, stronger relationship with you because they want to have better communication with you.
Allow yourself to be the change.
and allow yourself to have fun. And because I think it is so important for every human to hear, you are smart and brave and creative and talented and worthy and deserving of everything that your heart could desire. I am so grateful that you are here and you are in my life. I love you and I like you.
And I wish you all the happiness that today can bring. We'll talk to you on the next podcast.
Landy Peek (41:12)
Hey, before you go, just a little bit of legal. This podcast is designed for educational purposes only. It is not to replace any expert advice from your doctors, therapists, coaches, or any other professional that you would work with. It's just a chat with a friend, me, where we get curious about ideas, thoughts, and things that are going on in our lives. And as we're talking about friends, if you know someone who would benefit from the conversation today, please share.
Because I think the more that we open up these conversations, the more benefit we all get. So until next time, give yourself a big hug from me and stay curious because that's the fun in this world.
